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To Sam or not to Sam.

My brain is confused so I need to write to sort it out. I have realised that I spend so much time being excited over going to college. I have also realised that actually this is about the first big-ish thing that is going to happen to me. I think about college a lot and how fabulous it will be to finally get out of my stupid school and feel like I am allowed to make friends. The only aspect of high school I am enjoying is the time I spend with Sam and the time I spend with Lucy, and the EXPERIENCE of my general high school day, because I know the experience is something I'd better remember so that I will be able to laugh at it in the future. So, I actually think about the future a fair amount.

But just now I have realised how much I have blocked any consideration of Sam from 'the future' because - I HAVE NO CLUE what is going to happen. I don't know what to do. I want to talk about it with him.
I can't work out how it's supposed to be. Am I in a 'relationship' or is that ridiculous? I mean, I am only fifteen, it is ridiculous surely to expect I will stay for Sam much longer than high school? But it has been two years and I am terribly confused as to whether I am supposed to just assume that we are in our first actual proper 'relationship', or whether it is just a high school experience-wise thing. I don't know what to think O.o

I really don't like the idea of going around being all 'yeah yeah blah de blah relationship love etc etc' because it is true: I AM ONLY FIFTEEN. But, I am in love O.o
What sort of idiot falls in love at fifteen? I am supposed to be going around snogging as many people as possible. If I am in love so soon, where the hell is all of my experience? But I can't HELP being in love :S
I just.. don't know what Sam's opinion is. I mean, I know he says he loves me and I think that he does, actually. But does he mean in a 'fabulous first "relationship" kind of sweet way' or does he mean in an ACTUAL way. I know it is an actual, amazing, wonderful way. That it is to me anyway. But of course it is. It is the first time I have been in love for deffo I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it??!

So he is coming round on Sunday and I want to find out his honest opinion. But I do actually need his honest opinion. Otherwise I will just give my un-sure opinions and he will just go 'yeah ok, I agree' and THAT WILL BE IT O_O
But that it can't be, because everything I say is not right. And is infact usually wrong. He's not my best friend. Well, he's MY best friend secretly, but I don't think I am his. We can't talk to each other about anything, because we are both still shy. I know it is stupid because surely after two years we have trust and we are comfortable and so on. But I guess that is where it stands out that we are still dead young because.. I worry a lot about what he will think of me. I want to stop. How exactly am I supposed to tell him that.

I'm not even sure what my opinions are. I will make lists. Not because I am going to compare the amount of points on each list and then make my decisions because I am a prat. I mean so I can organise my actual opinions because I'm not sure what they are.

I will have to introduce it as a Potentially Serious Discussion. Incase he doesn't want to have it. Because he doesn't 'do' serious conversations. And if I make him then he just won't decide anything. I wonder what he wants to do? It will have to be that unless both of us definitely want to carry on, then we can't. Because if one of us does but the other isn't sure, then we just can't. He has to have an opinion. He must do.

I need to have a shower now. I suppose I can think about it in Tech tomorrow. I wish I had someone to talk about it with. I asked John but I don't want to go on about it. And I can't ask Lucy. Well, I could actually. Maybe I will. I can ask Mummy as well but.. yeahh.
Okay I can ask Peter too. I have a fair amount of people I could ask for help. But what I really need is to ask Sam for help. And I'm not brilliant at that. But I will. Because I have to. I just have to make sure first if he will try and be on the same page as me with the conversation.
Oh, ho hum.