Thoughts.com Blogs - Paul McKenna

Last night I listened to Paul McKenna's Instant Confidence hypnosis CD before I went to sleep. I understand that I'm supposed to listen to it before my day so I can get up and feel better about myself, but I can't do that because I'd have to wake up half an hour earlier every morning. Actually I might, because of today.

See, I was really looking forward to feeling a little bit less like a fool all day today, but I didn't feel any less foolish :(
I don't know what I've done wrong other than listen before I went to sleep. I've done the CD before and it made me feel better and it was excellent, but today I had such a shitty day and I felt so sorry for myself all day. Everytime anyone has a conversation around me and I don't know what they're talking about or I'm not in the conversation I just start talking to myself in my head about how nobody could possibly want me to join their conversation because my opinions are always just stupid and wrong. What the hell is wrong with me. Actually just shut up going on about myself all the time.

I've been taking my pissy-ness out on people doing slight things and I've been thinking too much about how Sam most likely doesn't actually want anything to do with me. And it makes me feel so awful because I believe what I'm thinking even if I don't want to. Everytime I say anything it seems like everyone has a huge rush to jump in with everything that's wrong with the point I just made. And I have full on managed to convince myself that Sam and Lucy are in love. Where the hell did that come from? But it's a seed now isn't it so it's not going to go away and I'm just going to obsess about it for ages and everytime they ever talk to each other I will just realise how useless I am to them both when they could have each other. Because I just get in the way of everything with my meaningless opnions.

This is just what I've been doing to myself all day and I can't stand it. I CAN IMAGINE stepping into my great wonderful amazing confident self, but it's like.. I don't deserve to be there? I don't. I know I don't, because I haven't done anything to deserve ANYTHING. Which just so proves that I am a useless piece of.. rubber.

What can I do to just stop going on about how shitty I am? I can't go on about how shitty everyone else is. Nobody likes a person who just complains about everyone. Nobody likes a person who just complains about themselves. What AM I going to do???

And I even dislike myself for going around thinking that everyone must really dislike me. What makes me think that anyone has actually even given me a second thought? Apart from the fact that whenever I hear anyone complaining I assume it is about me, even if they don't know me? It's like everything irritating and pissy is revolved around me so if I left nobody would have those niggly irritations anymore.

Plus if anyone ever talks to people about this kind of thing, whoever they're talking to is going to start getting annoyed at the fact that all the person can talk about is how rubbish they are. So I can't tell anyone because if I do then it will be all I ever go on about. So main thing would be to get rid of it. But how. I don't have or deserve any amount of motivation to make myself feel better about myself. Because there is nothing to feel better about. Pretty much nobody likes me, and even the people who think I'm alright are already.. in love with the other people that think I'm alright.

Agg I'm just so pathetic, all I do is feel sorry for myself and go on and on about it even though nobody actually wants to know. What am I going to do? It's like this ridiculous circle. Everytime something goes wrong I'm going to break down and start crying about how rubbish I am.

Pathetic.