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| Unsure of what to do |
I quit school this semester. Or should I say "withdrew". I'm a sad excuse for a student. Semester after semester I either find an excuse to not go to school, or I register, go for a few weeks, and eventually drop out. Will I ever graduate? Probably not. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. My parents are both college dropouts, my brother is a college dropout, and my sister is a fucking high school dropout. My family is full of pathetic wastes of space. I don't want to become like them, working at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. I know I can do better. Way better. It's just that I always try to take too much on. This last time, I was working fifty hours a week and taking a full course load. I knew it wasn't going to workout, I knew I probably wasn't going to be able to handle it, but I did it anyway. Beginning of October, I withdrew from my classes. I wasn't sleeping, stressed out to the point of tears daily, not eating, and overall just a huge wreck. Once I withdrew from my classes, I of course started to feel better, though this is about when the sense of imminent failure squeezed it's way into everyday of my life.
I haven't told my roommates that I quit school. I don't know why. I can't face the disappointment I know they're going to feel. I am so disappointed with myself that I can't bear anyone else adding to it.
I hate lying more than anything else in the world. I hate lying to the people that I love day after day. I am currently sitting in my room, pretending to do homework, because I can't face them. I am the sorriest excuse for a decent person. I really am beginning to hate myself.
Though, I did sign up for classes next semester (read: January). I have a full course load, and I tried to be smart about my schedule. I made it stacked so that I have 2 to 3 hours three days a week between my classes, specifically for homework. I am the biggest procrastinator that I think ever existed, so this way, since I won't have anything else to do for this amount of time, I will essentially be forced to do my homework. It seems like a fool proof plan right?
Hopefully.
I should really get up and brush my teeth and such... you know... get ready for the day. Today is my best friend's 21st birthday, so I to put on a cheery face for her. Here's hoping that's not too hard!
Well... one can hope.
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