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| Hiding behind my sunglasses |
I want a bowl of Frosties. I've been craving it for the last hour but out of sheer laziness, I have yet to go downstairs and get it. But now, I truly want to go downstairs and yet, I'm stopping myself for such a stupid reason. I can hear people in my kitchen and I can imagine that my housemates are all there chatting and laughing away. I hate it when I walk into a room and people pause their conversations hoping that it's someone interesting and then I show up. I am not interesting to them because I neither smoke nor drink; something these people use as the glue to hold themselves together. If only my building had a proper common room then they would not need to take over my kitchen and unintentionally prevent me from having my cereal. I think I'll just have to make do with the biscuits in my cupboard or perhaps the apples I bought earlier in an attempt to make myself more healthy.
I walked to the store earlier to buy some phone credit. I was in the middle of my conversation when the line cut. I couldn't believe it had finished so quickly but I suppose I should be used to that for it seems hours turn into minutes when I talk to that person. He can engage, infuriate and frighten me in those short hours of conversation. I tell him I wish he could just be 'normal' with me and not make me so upset but I think I must secretly enjoy him muddling with my feelings because I always come back for more. Which was why I got out of my comfy position in my bed and walked out just wanting...just wanting his presence in whatever form.
My feet are still cold from being outside today. I actually did it, I tried to put myself out there. Of course I had to drag a friend with me to help me actually do it. It was a lovely, sunny day and the atmosphere of the lawn in front of me was so inviting. I just had to be a part of it. There were people playing volleyball while a DJ was playing happy music and the air smelt like burning meat because of the BBQ taking place. Unfortunately, I couldn't eat the meat as it wasn't halal but I cautiously looked around, through my sunglasses, for a familiar face. Thankfully, there was someone I knew there and when my friend abandoned me because of his fear of the dog someone had brought along, I joined him and his friends. So for a few hours I tried breaking through that glass window but seemed only to make a crack. I tried to tell myself it's okay being the quiet one, to just observe, to hide behind my sunglasses. In reality there's nothing okay about that as I have found in the past that my behaviour has usually led to me looking like a stuck up snob. Ah diary, baby steps I suppose. Now time to sleep, dream and maybe make myself believe I was on the other side of that glass today.
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Posted by Bubloo on 2009-04-22 17:54:26 | Rating: | Views: 44
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