Before I write this blog, I just want you all who have taken time to read my blogs (and especially those who have commented and made me feel a little better) to know things have been better lately. Those diary entries, though, are still about four blogs away. I'll kill two birds with one stone so the suspense doesn't kill you :P

10/14/07
12:03 P.M.

Happy fucking six months. He's mad at me. He thinks I'm crabby because he didn't get milk. Then, he gets crabby, storms off and gets milk. The silent treatment is then in action.

I don't even want milk, thank you very much.

I want water. Plain old no-cal non-fat, and all those other hyphonated words, water. I actually want food, but I owuld rather be skinny. I feel like puking because I want to weigh that much less. I hate feeling this shitty. I just woke up and I don't even have food to puke up. But a gram or two of bile will make me feel better? This is an all time low for me.

I think this is getting bad.

I wish I could afford liposuction. That would rock.
I guess no matter what angle you view it from, I am trying to find the easy way out. That's not like me.
I have worked very hard, I started school a year late and caught up in two. I could have dropped out and gotten my GED.
I play piano and started this grueling piece called moonlight sonata. It's sixteen pages and I am now working on memorizing the fourth page after almost a year of working on it. But I haven't given up and started an easy song that still sounds complicated.
I usually want things done right. Acheiving something that was hard to do makes me feel better, but for some reason that mentality doesn't go along with losing weight.
I just need to look at the kitchen as just another room in the house. Not a room stocked with food.



5:03 P.M.

So, not much success with eating. I ate cheese and peanut butter before going on a bike ride. Both have alot of protein and healthy fats. Then, me and Jeff went hiking, that was more exercise. Zahra worked hard on a family dinner so I had to be polite and eat. I ate four bites of ribarbecue ribs, half a peice of corn on the cob, and 5 spoonfuls of rice. I rejected the mixed vegetables that had been heated in butter.
I am disgusted with myself.
I want to puke so bad, but Jeff went into his room. He would have heard me. I hate myself. I have no self-control. I had to eat something. Everyone was there and thank God they didn't really pay too much attention to what I was eating.

I almost want someone to read you, diary.  To make me feel like I don't want to regurgitate my food.
I want someone to make me feel beautiful.

Brianna Perfection