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I'm sitting here at my computer with glop in my hair....  AND!! I'm typing with latex gloves on. Why am I behaving so oddly, you politely enquire, so as not to seem nosy? Well, I'm colouring my hair! Yup! Okay, I'll say it out loud - I'm not ready to be old and grey. Not yet anyway. Plenty of time for that!
My dad went grey very early in his life - early 30's if I remember it right. My mom, well, she never did quite get around to the whole grey thing. Could I have lucked out genetically and taken after her? Uh...not so much.
So here I sit with glop on my head, keeping a close eye on the clock. This whole do-it-yourself hair colouring gig is really quite scientific. First you have to open the box and take out all of the bits and pieces. Then, there's about eight pages of instructions and dire warnings. I've done this before so I gleefully chuck the paper work. Then comes the mad scientist part. You open bottle A and tube B. Insert tube B into bottle A and squeeze. There seems to be a couple of tube B's here, so what the hell, let's dump them all in. Next comes the fun part. Shaking it all up. I take this opportunity to dance while I'm shaking. It's my Happy Hair Dance - you'd have to see it....oh, maybe not...
Once you have done your Happy Hair Dance, you may begin to apply the splodge to your head. My hair is fairly long, so I tend to get a bit tangled up during this procedure. The idea is to squeeze the glop onto the roots of your hair. To get to the roots, I have to fight my way through the curly bits, which , as I said are quite long. Once I figure I've got all of the roots covered, I have to mop up the places I inadvertently glopped - my face, the counter, ears, etc. Now I'm ready to fart around for twenty minutes or so while the glop works its magic. This part is always a little frightening for my family (which is why I'm hiding here blogging). I have glop on the roots of my hair, but the rest of it, the curly part, is pretty much standing straight out. If you can recall what the Bride of Frankenstein looked like, you're getting the visual.
I have to leave the latex gloves until until after I've completed phase 2. If I take them off before then, I might tear them or mess them up somehow. I'm not sure if you've ever typed with latex gloves on, but it's ...um...well, weird, I guess is the best way to describe it.
Phase 2 is where you add the rest of the glop to the rest of your hair to even it all out. You have to time this carefully.....excuse me for a minute....I'm late for Phase 2!!!!
Okay now, where was I? Oh right - Phase 2. This step involves rounding up the rest of your hair and squishing the glop all through it. It has to stay in for ten minutes - no more, no less (yeah yeah - one of those "dire warnings" I just chucked in the garbage)! At the end of the ten minutes (give or take) you run like hell for the shower and rinse it all away. By "all," I mean ALL of it! If you screw this up, you'll be leaving a trail of hair dye on everything you touch thereafter! Trust me on this, I've been there!
Okay, so now you've rinsed out the splodge (the hypothetical you - I haven't actually done that bit yet), dried it and fluffed it, you're ready to make your debut with your new hair colour! Oh, you should probably get dressed for this part. You should also prepare yourself for the adoration of the masses as well. You will be stunning! (Or at least, that is my fervent wish!)
Rinse time - back in a few! (Save my seat!)
I'm done! I'm a goddess (hey, this is the internet - I can be a damn goddess if a want to!)!
So...why do I do this to myself? It's not that I'm in denial about getting older. I'm fine with that. And I don't wanna be one of those scary ole ladies with jet black hair and bright red lipstick hanging around at truck stops - eek! I guess it's that I'm just not ready to be grey. I don't feel grey. I look at hair colour sort of like nailpolish. It's just fun! I can change it whenever I want to any colour I want - even it's just a little something to horrify my neighbours (I haven't actually pursued that option yet, but it's on my list *insert sinister chuckle here*). Maybe I just enjoy doing chemistry experiments on my head...who knows?
Age is just a number - I keep reminding myself of this. Colouring your hair is sort of like cheating on your math test. Messing with the numbers. Even if it's only me I'm fooling. Oh, I'll be a grey-haired goddess someday.
Just not today. 
(translation for my American friends: colour = color)
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Posted by BootLady on 2008-05-23 13:24:02 | Rating: | Views: 232
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glop on the hair, ya i was gray at 20, i have to dy my locks couse its realy curly, the conditionor in the hair color crapp relaxes the mop head not like a brillo head hahaha we do what we gotta do peace
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Posted by bjm1
on 2008-05-23 13:52:19
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Awesome entry! I loved it from beginning to end. You seem like a fun person...and definitely very young. Your hair should reflect that!!!
Hope it turned out well.
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Posted by Cecy24
on 2008-05-23 14:10:08
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You actually made dying your hair sound fun! I go to a stylist for my highlights so no happy hair dance for me (I would look a bit psycho doing that in public, don't you think?) but I will live vicariously through you. I am sure your hair looks lovely! Have a wonderful weekend.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-05-23 16:00:51
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I was still laughing from your answer to my happy dog or miserable human survey (the chuckling started with the pee outside as a pro), but now you've put me over the edge with the hilarious visuals I got from reading this. And the word you've added to my vocabulary--SPLODGE--I love it! It's got much the same consistency as SLUDGE, but it's a little less nasty. You are one funny woman! Thank you BL...
Grampy
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Posted by GrammyandGrampy
on 2008-05-23 16:13:25
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bjm - amen to that! lol
Cecy - Aww! Thanks! Can I keep you? lol
Meri!! I think you should throw off your restraints and do the Happy Hair Dance at the salon! (I would :P)
Hiya Grampy! Stick with me, kiddo - I have a very extensive (original) vocabulary!! I call them BootLadyisms :P
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-05-23 17:23:52
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Great post. I have tried coloring myself, but never liked the results. Several months ago I said forget it, I'm 55 now and I'm going natural. After my last hair cut I looked in the mirror and to my horror there it was ... a huge patch of grey right in the front. I made an appointment immediately to have this taken care of. Seems I'm not ready for gray .... maybe when I turn 60. With allergies and super sensitive skin my scalp feels like crap for days. This time however I tried a new salon ... the color they use is from Italy and is yogurt based. No burning or watering eyes when applied and my scalp feels fine today ... if I had known about the Happy Hair Dance I would have boogied down right in the salon ... next time I will. For those sensitive types like myself the brand name of the color is Kemon.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-05-23 23:06:16
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For those of you who grey'd early...find out if you have Aquarius anywhere in your astrology(chart) or in your parents'. It may be the cause. Often the rising sign or sun sign.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-05-24 00:21:01
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Oh BL - you are a godess!!! :)
And good translation on the colour ... um er color word! would have made all the difference!
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-05-24 06:00:00
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Hmmm that could explain alot of things.
Great post.
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Posted by templar_knight
on 2008-05-24 09:35:46
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CD - I keep adding on to my let-it-grow-out deadline too! lol
Brainy! Oddly, my prematurely grey dad was an Aquarius! Hmmm....
Aww thanks, Easy! Takes one to know one!!
Uh oh, templar...that was mysterious! lol
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-05-24 18:14:54
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Yep, that was the intent.LOL LOL
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Posted by templar_knight
on 2008-05-24 22:49:54
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An Aquarius, Bootshower? Nah, BootLady is obviously a Capredrawn...
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Posted by GrammyandGrampy
on 2008-05-26 00:48:30
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Loved your post!!
I too dye my hair for those same greyish reasons, I figure there's enough time later to go grey gracefully!...... :)
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Posted by Kaybee
on 2008-05-26 02:53:17
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when I did it myself, I always like it the best after a few washings, thats abother story.... I remember whenever I did it, I had to be naked in my bathroom because I would get that imposssible goop to remove all over my clothes...the problem was finding the time to be nude in my bathroom without someone barging in...and it never failed, as soon as I was gooped and counting, one of the kids and their friends would be banging on the bathroom door wanting my assistance and asking questions about what mom was doing in there that they couldnt see...
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Posted by roe
on 2008-05-30 02:36:26
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lol you always leave me laughin....the hair full of slpodge is the very reason why I let the man who cuts my hair deal with it....see I too have long curly hair...probably the closest you can get to black peoples hair without actually being black...therefore I don't feeling like dealing with it....lol
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-04 13:42:23
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