| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| Riding the proverbial fence..... |
Lately, I have been seeing this really cool counselor. Like him alot. He's very blunt, which I appreciate.
See, I decided I would visit this guy because I honestly believe the entire world needs counseling. Yes, even you. No one has it together all the time, everyone can learn a little something by objectively examining their past, and it just makes you human, in my humble opinion, to be able to admit this. And it's helpful to get insight from a completely impartial person. My friends and family are required by law to love me, so it's nice to have someone who I actually pay a copay to tell me if I'm overlooking some area that needs work.
I made my first appointment after I hit the skids because of Country Boy and the Christmas episode. It's not worth going back over, so let's just say that my response to his truly crappy behavior was way too familiar for my liking. Let's see, he acted like a total ass clown, and still I managed to blame myself? I don't think it's so insane that I folded like a cheap-ass card table over the events.......the insane part would be if I didn't know in my heart that the problem was his. In any event, I decided it was time to visit a professional.
So, the professional has deduced the following about me: I am a fence rider. I am trying to balance in two separate and contradictory worlds. This leaves me feeling a bit off kilter, as I subconsciously realize that I don't exactly fit in either world. I can function in both universes, but the bouncing back-n-forth is what leaves me feeling "perpetually lacking" something.
The two worlds I dance between? Well, according to the good counselor, I am a professional, intelligent, driven woman who is always striving to better myself, grow emotionally and academically, and I will always need challenge to feel alive. There's world #1. The other is what he refers to as the Misfit State. I wear Ed Hardy Tshirts. I get tattoos at random. I think horribly offensive jokes are hysterical, just because they are so shocking you almost have to laugh at them. I care very little about issues that should concern me, but focus on things that don't mean shit in the grander scheme. There is alotta kid left in me that must be entertained or I get bored.
According to Don, the good counselor, the former world means I am more compatible with professional, intelligent, driven men who are interested in developing academically and emotionally, and will always need challenge to feel alive. However, the kid left in me needs almost the exact opposite. Now, the men that fit scenario #1 would not find the kid part of me very attractive or entertaining, but the men that fit world #2 would be bored by world #1. Since I know this intuitively, the good counselor thinks this is why I am hell-bent on blaming myself when things go to crap. Because somewhere inside me, I know that I should've come down more on one side or the other of that damned fence. Furthermore, he doesn't think I will ever be truly happy until I pick a side. His opinion is that I am going to have to decide if I want to fit into world #1, with professional, driven men who can challenge me, or accept world #2 were men are likely to have many piercings in weird places. As you can imagine, this was distressing to me. He's saying, in essense, if I insist on laughing at shocking things, wearing my skull/crossbones Tshirts, and just generally letting that inner kid shine, I will repel the very people with whom I would be most compatible. On the flip side, if I let the inner kid run wild and express myself the way I feel at any given time, I will forever miss the part of world #1 to which I repel.
My question was this: how come world #1 can't look beyond my skull/crossbones and see what's inside the person? Don says, yes, this is the way it SHOULD be, but we live in a relatively shallow and illogical world, so what should be isn't always what is. This much, I believe is probably more true than false. And after much deliberation, I think I am ready for the next appointment when I tell him what side of the fence on which I choose to reside. And I'm not budging from where I am.
I'm not abnormal. I simply have a wide variety of interests and tastes. I am not a skull/crossbones, but I do like the tshirts. I cannot be summed up as anything in particular because I like tattoos, researching serial killers, haunted stuff, and laughing like a loon at the OMG-expressions on people's faces when I say something unexpected. I dig this shit. If it turns you off, that's fine. You need what you need, and if it's not me, I'll live. I do not pick my nose, my ass, or any other orifi in public, I do not hike one leg and fart at the dinner table, and my manners are impeccable when they need to be. I will not embarass you at your company picnic, unless you force me to do so, and then it's game-on. I am competitive. But I am compassionate. I am opinionated, but I also try to be somewhat informed about the topics in which I form an opinion. What you need and what you want are sometimes diametrically opposed to one another, but that doesn't mean you have to pick a side. I think it just means you have to be willing to trade, compromise, and accept. Both with yourself and other people. Take the good and bad of both. And ride that fence until it chaps the skin off your ass.
So, it looks like the good counselor has his work cut out for him. His new assignment, should he choose to accept it, will be to help me come to grips with this once and for all. No going back now. Maybe the world works a certain way, but that doesn't mean I have to conform to it. What I DO have to do is accept it, be content with being a misfit, and stop apologizing to and for myself. Enjoy my own little world because I really have no desire to become part of someone else's, simply for sake of saying I belong somewhere. It seems really clear to me now, if not somewhat weird. But that's the story of my life, I suppose.
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| Views: 93
Email This to a Friend 