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Still have lotsa work to do. The good news is, the new team lead responsibilities that have been tossed my way are starting to make sense to me. Hopefully, the official promotion will come sooner rather than later. But at least I'm getting the chance to perform in the official capacity now; might speed things along. Fingers crossed.
I have decided that I am one cynical, skeptical, and negative woman. At least for today. Maybe it's because it's supposed to be rainy and cloudy the whole freakin' holiday weekend, and I soooo wanted to lay in the pool until Monday. Or maybe it's because I'm still run down from the travel nightmares lately. Aunt Flo is long gone, so it can't be her fault. But today, I am one pissy chick. And as usual, when I'm pissy, I like to spread the joy. You all know the warning: read at your own risk.
Talked to country boy for a while last night. The more I talk to him, the more I become convinced that he is genuinely a nice guy. BUT, the more I talk to him, the more I want to NOT talk to him, if that makes any sense. Meri has warned me about my overanalytical nature, but so far, I am unable to stop analyzing and overanalyzing my analysis. Bitch-goddess OCD. I love her and I hate her, all at the same time, meaning the bitch-goddess, not Meri. Just wanted to clarify that statement.
Anyhoo, so last night, country boy made the following statement to me: "I love talking to you; I've never spoken with someone so easy to talk to, where the conversation is so effortless. Sometimes I feel badly, though, when the boys are saying, "Dad, get off the phone and play dodgeball with us." Geez, what the hell do I make of THAT one?
I mean, I get it. I do. And I honestly would think he was a prick if he ignored his boys just to talk to me. This is just such foreign territory.
Here's the kicker: big shout out to Scott for obviously convincing me that everything is harmful, nothing can possibly be what it appears to be, and that my novelty will soon wear off on anyone. Novelty. Geez, there seems to be a theme. Fun to talk to. Easy to talk to. Never met anyone like you. Then, a hasty and usually confusing retreat.
Needless to say, the whole Match.com episode, while relatively small, had a huge impact. He is still out there. He is still looking. In my opinion, he is looking for everything I offered and yet that can't be true, can it? So, that means one of two things is true: 1) He either really doesn't want what he thinks he wants, or 2) He wants all those things, he just didn't see them in me. Option #2 would mean that the whole thing was a sham from go. Option #2 is what plagues me right now.
After all the accolades, the superlatives, all the protests of undying love and loyalty, all the I-Can't-Live-Without-You bullshit......to think that Option #2 is, in fact, the reality of the situation is downright scary. I'm getting pissed about it all over again. And the reason is, no matter how gone he is, he is still in my head, effecting my decisions, coloring my perspective.......making me terrified of believing someone might be what they seem to be, making me, with his words on that damned profile, want to retreat, run away, hide, save myself from every going through what that son of a bitch put me through EVER AGAIN. His fucking profile can make me doubt myself more than anything. Because doesn't it just make sense, if he really wants all these things, and he's still looking for the "one", and if he ever meant a damn thing he said, he'd be coming back for me? Wouldn't you think, if he ever meant a word of it, if that ice brick of a heart could really be penetrated, that he would be realizing about right now that he had everything in the palm of his hand, and he threw it away? And, if all that's true, wouldn't it just make sense that the big dumbass would figure out that I'm less than a mile away, I'm not a glossy brochure, and he isn't likely to find another me? Doesn't that make sense, or am I just dense?
So, option #2 is on my mind. If I knew that exactly what I wanted was right there, at the tip of my fingers, I would fight tooth and nail to grab it. God help the person that stood in my way. And since I simply cannot fathom anyone else doing any less, Option #2 has got to be the correct one. Which makes everything and everyone else extremely suspect to me.
Yesterday, I went into my Match account and deleted the profile, making sure I no longer get those hideous emails that say, "You have 2000 new matches". And of course, while I was doing this, I peeked at my search criteria. Yep, there he was.....still searching, still looking, the little engine that could. And just like that, I was angry. Just like that, I became convinced that I AM just a novelty, something fun to play with for a while, but the lustre will fade when a newer, improved version hits the market. In short, I will always be Version #1, but Option #2.
Happy Searching, Scott. It's all yours.
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Oh Blue! You sound so blue. I hate, hate, hate that Scott did this to you -made you doubt how appealing you are and whether you will ever be someone's first choice for the long haul. You WILL be. But, I will respond to your earlier email and continue my cheerleading for your eyes only.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-07-03 13:48:01
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I'm sorry you are so upset. My advice is to keep talking to country boy. I try to look at how someone relates to their family and that tells a lot about them.
Don't let Scott bring you down. Some people have issues that we cannot fix. Accept that he has something mentally wrong with him, it's not you. Some people just like the newness of a relationship and never settle. He may be one of those.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-03 13:57:40
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WHICH reminds me...
WHEN DO WE GO SPRAY PAINT HIS HOUSE??????
About Scott, you forgot option #3, SCOTT IS A LOSER/JERK/GOOD-FOR-NOTHING.
I think option #3 sounds right to me :)
You are who you are Blue, and honestly, if he doesnt see it, he's just too full of it. He'll regret it some day. Trust me on that. I can give it to you in writing that he'll regret it someday.
I agree with prelude, he's got issues. Maybe he's psychologically insane. Let him be. Feel sorry for the poor guy because clearly he's clueless :)
*Hugs*
Feel better!! You rock!!!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-07-04 05:12:28
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| Views: 60
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