Thoughts.com Blogs - My thoughts on infidelity

Before anyone gets their panties all wadded up, let me first just say that this will not be a judgemental post. I was just chatting with a friend earlier about some of the posts on here, and how many of them revolve around cheating spouses. Some of the accounts are from the spouse doing the cheating, others detail the pain and devastation when you realize your spouse is cheating. As the scorned exwife, I have strong personal feelings when I read these blogs, so I have stopped reading them. I am all too familiar with the perfect set of circumstances that can come together to make infidelity very hard to resist. You're in a bad marriage, or a bad relationship, you feel unappreciated, ignored, unattractive, misunderstood, and then along comes someone who makes everything good again. Except that person is maybe already married, too, or in a relationship. The temptation is a bitch. I know this. I very nearly cheated on Scott, there towards the end, and he wasn't even my husband. The simplest thing to do was to end the relationship, but I didn't want to do that either. I loved him, but he made me feel so lonely, so, well, absent, and in my own home. So, I had what would be my first unfaithful encounter all planned out, someone I knew, someone I had dated, someone I had been wildly attracted to.......he knew I was with Scott, he was about to move; all the stars aligned. But I couldn't do it. Not to sound trite, but in the interest of honesty, I decided that how I felt about myself and my values were worth way more than one hot, steamy night of what would've been repetitive mind-blowing sex, I've no doubt. One night of feeling like a man only saw me, in the whole world, just me. And wanted me.This man saw me as challenging, desirable, beautiful, inside and out. I knew he did, I knew no distance was too great, he would've gone to the ends of the earth for that one night. Instead of actually doing it, I admitted the plan to Scott, he graciously forgave my indiscretion in the works, but still didn't understand that what I needed most was those same feelings from HIM. He went back to head in his laptop, and I went back to being alone in the same room with him.

But, on a lighter note, it made me think about the single encounter I had with one of my exhubby's flings. I knew of her, knew her well enough to speak if I saw her out somewhere, but we weren't friends. And I knew she was screwing my husband. How did I know for sure? Because I intercepted the freakin' pictures she was stupid enough to send to our shared email account. AND, since she was also our cellular phone go-to girl, it wasn't so odd that I opened the email. Um, wasn't expecting the pics, I'll tell you that much. I printed the emails, pics, and called my attorney.

I toyed with the idea of sending the email/pics to the cellular corporate office, since she sent the emails from work. I'm going to call her Julie, obviously a pseudonym, although if by chance, the actual adultress is reading this, she'll know it's her. Anyhoo, since I couldn't imagine a global cellular company being pleased with this type of inappropriate email exchange taking place on their server AND company time, I assumed this would fix her little red wagon. Obviously, the first person I called, after the attorney, was my mother. Ranting, raving, screaming, crying, barely intelligible.......and angry as hell. Out for vengeance in any way I could sling it. I cared not who got in my way. My mother, always calm in an emergency, reminded me that while I had every right to be angry, I would be well within my boundaries to send the emails to the corporate office, she knew me well enough to know that, should Julie lose her job and possibly the only livelihood she had, I would still feel horrible after I calmed down some. Even in my anger, I knew she was right. And even in my anger, I knew Kevin was the one that violated my trust. Julie didn't owe me allegiance at all, although I find it difficult to believe that she could screw my husband when she could actually put a face to his wife. And after I'd filed the paperwork for divorce, got a good grip on my rage, I realized it was time for a new cell phone package.

So, I gathered up every ounce of dignity I had left, put on nice clothes, did my hair and makeup, and marched my ass into the cellular office and requested Julie. To anyone else, I probably looked pretty good. To someone that didn't see me all the time, they wouldn't know how many sleepless nights I'd had, how much weight I'd lost because nerves simply would not allow me to hold down food. The look on her face when she came outta the back office and saw that I was the client requesting her was, well, it was glorious. She was terrified. I'm sure Kevin had told her what an ogre I was anyway, so no telling what it was she expected from me. And her coworkers, obviously privvy to the situation, looked equally as nervous. I extended my hand, smiled broadly, and said, "Hi Julie. I'm not sure if you remember me, but I'm Kevin's wife? The rest of the dialogue went a little something like this:

Julie (stammering and stuttering): Uh, yeah, Jenny.....sure, I remember you. Um, can I help you?
Me: Yes, actually, I'm in the market for a new cell phone and I need to renew my contract. I'll be needing some updates.
Julie (white as a sheet): Uh, oh, okay.....let me see if someone can take you right now. I have some paperwork I'm finishing up, and I don't want you to wait.
Me: Nonsense, Julie. You've always taken care of Kevin and me. Just usually, it's Kevin coming to your office instead of me. No, I'll just wait for you.
Julie (figuring out that she's NOT getting out of this): Um, okay, just give me a second.

*Exit stage left with a few other female associates, returns a few minutes later. I have already picked out the phone I want and have the box in my hand*

Julie: Okay, well, looks like you found what you want.
Me: Oh, yes. I definitely want this phone, and since I'm renewing my contract, I'm assuming the cost will be greatly reduced?
Julie: Well, sometimes we offer rebates, but it depends on the phone model. This phone has a $30 dollar rebate, so with you can send that into the rebate department and with tax, the phone will be blah, blah, blah.
Me: Oh, no Julie, that can't be right. Kevin got the same phone for free when updating his contract. Surely the same treatment would apply to me?
Julie: Well, let's look at your contract. (At this point, I think she's starting to figure out that I am not there to kick her ass or make a scene, but to bargain).

From there, I was able to convince Julie that I needed this phone, it should be free since I had been a loyal customer for over a decade and was renewing my contract with them. Oh, and I needed a few more options since this cell would be used for business purposes......I needed about 4000min. a month, free long distance, nights, and weekends, call waiting, caller ID, call forwarding, voicemail, roll over minutes, and mobile to mobile. I really didn't expect to pay more than $50 dollars a month, since I should be eligible for a business discount, and could we work that out? She's calculating, not sure it can be done, so I say to her, "Julie, you're the manager here. Surely you can work this out. I know how close you are to my husband, so surely a little professional courtesy is not too much to ask?" Needless to say, I got my plan, my price, my phone, and it has never increased in 4 years. And on my way out the door, I thanked her for all her help and said, "Oh, BTW, I'm sure you've heard that Kevin and I are divorcing. You might want to update your address book with his new email." And with that, I walked out.

Some might call that blackmail. I never in any way threatened her with the emails, I never came out and addressed the pink elephant in the living room, but I wanted something in return. And she was going to have to look me dead in the face, knowing she was screwing my husband, and she was going to see me behave with class. I never bothered her again. I don't even know if she is still with the company. I don't care. And I destroyed the emails after that. Just seeing her squirm while I stayed calm was enough satisfaction for me.

I consider that my happy ending. However, the satisfaction didn't keep me from bawling my eyes out, almost as soon as I got back to my car. I just laid eyes on what I considered my replacement, even though I knew she wasn't the only one. My family hurt for me, to watch me in pain. His family was hurting, because they were losing a family member. The ramifications of his actions had a ripple effect on more people than I could possibly imagine. I think about that when I read the particularly boastful posts about infidelity. The ones where there are men and women actually praying for the unfaithful spouse to leave, not caring how many lives will be effected. Permanently. Not a drop of remorse noted, although, I suppose that doesn't mean they don't actually feel it. The ones that openly and hostilely berate the faithful spouse, she/he is so stupid, why don't they get the hint? They piss me off beyond belief. I don't read them anymore.

I guess every situation is different. I just thank God that children weren't involved in my case. Children are like dogs and horses; they can sense even the slightest things, although they may not understand. And it makes an impression with them whether you know it or not. I just hope it's worth it to the people that insist on that lifestyle.