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| It's time to bolt. |
Aunt Flo is on the warpath. Really, she's a freakin' barbarian this month. I wake up in the morning expecting to see skulls pierced by sharp stakes strewn across my house. She is one evil bag of hormones.
Had dinner with Shan tonight. I really didn't feel like making the 45 minute drive, but she's pregnant, due in a coupla weeks, and this was likely to be the last time I saw her before she delivers. Anyhoo, so in spite of the fact that Aunt Flo seems to have brought her round the clock, blinding cramps with her, I met Shan.
The plan, since I knew it would be a short night with Shannon, was for Country Boy to come over later and watch a scary movie. But on the drive home, my Spaghetti Marinara combined with Aunt Flo's kick-ass cramps, left me with the horrible urge to yak. And a splitting headache. All I wanted to do was come home, eat Ibuprofen, pray for it to stay down, curl up with the dogs and the heating pad, and wait for either death or morning, whichever one came first.
So, I called Country Boy to see if we could skip off of tonight and postpone for tomorrow night. The entire conversation is entirely too tedious to detail here and, quite honestly, I'm not sure that replaying it again wouldn't make me feel like yakking all over again, but I will give you the gist. Basically, CB wanted to know if I was offering up a lame excuse. Since, in the last month, we've basically spent hours on the phone, taken huge strides in getting to know each other, and he DID spend the night on my couch, I inquired why he would think I was operating that way. It seems that since he usually calls me and is always the initiator in terms of plans that he thinks I might not be so into him. I explained that this is sorta the way it works at first. The boy calls the girl, he asks her out, she says yes, and so on. Am I wrong?
Anyhoo, I apologize to him if I've done something, or not done something, that made him feel that way. I realize I am not always the most demonstrative person in the world, and it's possible that I think I am relaying interest when it doesn't necessarily look that way to the outside observer. He mentioned, and not for the first time, that he is not accustomed to being the aggressor. He also mentioned, another repeat, that he finds himself on unfamiliar territory with me. Not sure exactly what that means. But I talked to him for most of the drive home. When I pulled into my drive, I asked him if I could call him back after I'd put on my pj's, possibly threw up, and got settled it. Yes, he said, that would be fine. And then he didn't answer when I called.
An hour later, he called back. He said he fell asleep on the couch with his boys, watching a movie. I don't even think I had 10 words to say. He obviously noticed that I was uncharacteristically quiet and asked if everything was okay. Of course, I said yes, everything is fine, but that he still sounded tired. He agreed and we got off the phone.
But no, things are not okay. At all. First of all, the entire conversation of doubt and uncertainty took place simply because I feel like my uterus is being pulled out of my body from the back side and I cancelled the movie that he probably wouldn't have been able to stay awake for anyway. No, I don't call him often; I always return his phone calls. And his texts, and I think I've said before that I hate texting. I really do. But I always respond to his because they usually make me laugh and if that's just another way to talk to him, by God, I can get past my adversion to texting. We've hung out at least one night a weekend since we met. We've spent hours, literally, on the phone. I worked yesterday morning to doctor up his resume so he can apply for a supervisory position within his company and, God love him, the resume he put together did not do him proper justice. I actually told him that I had missed him while I was gone and how strange of a feeling that was for me. Tonight, in another uncharacteristic display, I actually told him that, in case I hadn't conveyed it clearly enough, that I really liked him. He can't possibly understand what a risky and scary move that was for me, but shouldn't it have counted for something?
So, my question is, what more can I do? That's the best I've got right now. I've chased my last guy for the remainder of my days, but I do feel that I'm putting forth effort. Effort that apparently isn't good enough. Same story, different guy.
Shit, I'm trying to be reasonable here. He has basically taken over the care of his mother, he works full time, he's taken over all the responsibilities that his father once assumed, and he has 2 kids that both want and need his attention. Talk about being in unfamiliar territory. I'm treading softly. I don't want to call, call, endlessly call him and intrude on time with his kids. I don't want to be the "girlfriend" associated with interrupting their time together. I only intended to give him his space to do the things he needs to do, but still make myself available when he could break free. Can someone please tell me what in the living hell is so wrong with that? I've known him for 1 month. One. And although I think this could have potential, isn't it a bit early in the game for insecurity?
I'm really trying to be careful with the kid thing; his 10 y/o likes me alot, from what little time I've spent around him, but I haven't yet met the youngest. But I do know from all of my early childhood development studies that a 7 y/o is more likely to feel threated by someone vieing for his daddy's attention. Gotta be careful there; don't want to leave a kid feeling like he has competition with daddy's new "girlfriend" (not a title I would use, but one that I feel certain a kid would automatically assign to me).
He tells me how much he enjoys spending time with me. He tells me he could never get bored talking to me. And I would be lying if I said "Yep, heard that before" hasn't crossed my mind. A million times. Yep, dying to blurt out, with Aunt Flo's encouragement, "Oh, yes.....you adore me now, but you won't in another month. In fact, if two months DOES happen to roll around, you will likely be tired of hearing my opinions. The sense of humor you love so much right now will become so redundant that you might even call me "silly" or "immature". AND, you will find yourself living behind my couch, sullen and withdrawn, looking for the easiest way out, drinking all my orange juice while you do it. From my living room." Yeah, I really, really want to scream that out loud, but I don't, and hopefully, Flo will take that notion with her when she goes.
But here's my hang up, or at least one of many: true, this guy isn't Scott and shouldn't be punished for the pain Scott caused, the baggage he left behind. I get that. But I'm trying. And not just minimal effort here. I always make time to talk to him, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. Does he not think I have lots of people I could call from my hotel room or the airport? Yes, I do, and quite frankly, some of those people are getting a little pissed at me for NOT calling more often. Does he think I wanted to revise his resume because I got some sort of satisfaction from it? Or is it more likely that if this job is important to him, it is important to me and I wanted, offered, to help? And when he lauded my professional abilities, believe me when I say that I was quick to point out that the experience and education were his own achievements.......I just know how to put them down on paper where they stand out. I can't take anything away from him, nor did I want to, just because he was impressed by my work. Does that not say something? Does it not say something about how I feel about him that I tailored his cover letter towards the work ethic and personal integrity that I have myself witnessed in him and by which I was personally impressed? Does it not mean a damn thing that when he talks about not wanting to live with his mom forever, that I'm quick to remind him that it doesn't have to be forever, but for now, he's doing what families do......pull together, sacrifice for each other?
I'm not trying to pat myself on the back for being a stellar support system. But I was actually starting to believe in him and wanted him to know that. I am not playing games by not calling him as much as he calls me. True, I don't intend to chase him, but shit.....is it so wrong for me to want to see some give and take here? I think my responses to him are immediate. And whatever else, I'm giving this the best I have. When I've been traveling and I'm pretty beat when I get home, I invite him to come over. He might initiate more, but I assure you, friends and neighbors, that I am by no means slacking over here. I'm doing my best. It might not be ideal,but it's the best I've got. And once again, I feel like I'm investing time in someone who doesn't see me for the things I offer, but only for the ways I fall short. Really, really tired of that.
So, tonight, when he called me back, for whatever reason since he was still actually yawning, I had been mulling this over and had very little to say. He mentioned the fact that I was unusually quiet and I simply replied, "It happens sometimes".
I should've run like hell a week ago when the first impulse hit me. Another guy totally blind to the things I demonstrate,or try to, and my best will never be enough. Another guy who can't possibly understand how difficult it is to want to take a chance, to want to give it a shot, but still feel the need to protect yourself. And unless he's willing to step from his comfort zone and put forth maybe a little more effort than he might have exerted in the past, then I'm hitting the dirt road. The way it's looking right now, I should probably do that, anyway. I'm clearly already failing in some way. He's scaring me. He's reminding me of very, very painful things, a pattern that is all too familiar, a pattern that only I can break. I realize it's only been a month, but right now, he's not even close to actually getting what I'm about. And the fact that he's already unhappy about what he's getting is just about all the evidence I need that I need to cut this loose, now, before I get hurt again.
And if I have to find yet another hairdresser in the process, so be it. I am so fucking tired of apologizing for myself when I know I'm doing all I can.
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