It's true that I have excellent stalking instincts. It's also true that, most of the time, I keep my stalking efforts to a minimum. I have never, for example, and would never spend the 29.95 for one of those peoplesearch reports that supposedly can offer up anyone's personal info, all living relatives down to 3rd generation removed, and any convictions ever except minor moving violations. THAT, to me, is going overboard.
Nope, I prefer to stalk, when I stalk, from the comfort of my own home. And really, the tactics are pretty juvenile, which in my mind, is what makes me different from the Unabomber or the Zodiac Killer. Actually, since I'm lessening the gravity of this particularly weird hobby, you might even be able to apply the term "curious browsing while bored" instead of stalking. Yep, I'm going with that one.
Anyhoo, so here's the story: Many, many months ago, there was a blogger on this site that positively intrigued me. He's long gone now, surely blogging on some other private venue, but while he was here, he was interesting in a strange, quirky way. Yep, you guessed it.......the very strange, quirky way that made me giggle. We IM'd a few times, traded personal email addresses and occasionally emailed back and forth. Traded phone numbers although phone communication was nil.
Now, this guy has more shit on his plate right now than any one person should have to endure. Seen some dark days. We couldn't possibly be any more opposite than we are. We barely speak the same language. Why this still bugs me is a mystery to me, unless I really am a stalker in denial. Nah, I'd own up to that if I really thought the shoe fit.
I liked him. And not in that creepy, online, "OMG, he's the love of my life" type of way; he was just, well, deep and broody in some ways, and yet you could easily detect something that wasn't quite so broody. In fact, when I speak of him to my dear friend Meri, I refer to him as Captain Broody. Or sometimes Captain Broody Butt. But I mean that affectionately. And I truly hate, hate, hate how the betrayal of the people he should've been able to trust has turned his life completely upside down. There are 3 sides to every story, without exception, and I know this. BUT, since perception is everything, if he FEELS betrayed (and honestly, I couldn't characterize his situation any other way), then he IS betrayed.
So, in an uncharacteristic move for me, I did make frequent email content. Nothing major, just general chit chat, random lists of likes/dislikes, so forth. He usually responded, although sometimes it was days later. Okay, not a huge problem, but he sorta would leave the impression that, despite his words to the contrary, he might be open to a friendship of sorts. And in an unprecedented departure from both the norm and my better judgement, I sent him an email when I would be traveling down to his neck of the woods. No pressure; just told him where I'd be if he wanted to meet for a drink, coffee, anything. And here's why I did that, since ordinarily, outside of the girlfriends I have come to know and love from this site, I would never in a million years put myself in an unsafe situation.
I felt safe with it. Totally. He's intense, I get the feeling he doesn't like himself all that much, even though there are a ton of impressive things about him that have absolutely nothing to do with what he DOES. Everything to do with WHO he seems to be. While it's also true that my little inner voice has been wrong quite a bit as of late, something about this guy seems real. Some things seem to be bullshit, too, but who can't claim that accusation for themselves? Show me the person who doesn't sometimes try to pull of something they aren't at all, and I will show you a headstone. Anyhoo........
Since he made it clear that he was not a "phone person", the let's-get-to-know-each-other banter back and forth was usually not only initiated by me, but perpetuated by me as well. For a simple reason: I think there's alot to him. I really wanted to get to know more about the guy, for many reasons. First of all, I just liked him, weirdness and all. Secondly, I get the impression that he is on his own quite a bit. That makes me sad. And not in a Oh-poor-guy-he-just-needs-TLC kinda way, but more of a he's-way-too-cool -to-be-living-in-misery sorta way. Does that make sense? It's not pity that I feel for him.....I can just empathize with being at a place in your life where you wonder just who the hell you can trust, if anyone. And I had really hoped that he might pick up on the subtle things about me that make me trustworthy. Sorta the way I intuited that he was not really this hard ass, island of a guy he both wants to believe he is and projects to the world around him.
Now, this is not about being interested because I want to "fix" him, which seems to have become a new theme of my blogs; I swear it's not. I can't do shit about all the people he loved and trusted that shit on his head. I can't. I guess, since I saw so much in him that was good, that he might see that not everyone will shake you down. Some people look much further beneath the surface, the glossy brochure, because they know more is there. And they want to hang with you anyway. Not marry you, not make you the object of their every affection, not declare an email/online romance.......nothing like that. Is it really so bad that someone just finds you interesting, in all your chaos, and wants to know more about you? More about what you believe, what you like, what makes you happy........see, I like that shit. I'm flattered when anyone wants to get to know me. Maybe Captain Broody Butt doesn't feel that way. Maybe he is perfectly content, going through life relatively alone........hard for me to understand, but hell........different strokes, you know?
Anyway, so I sent him an email, just checking in the other day, an email that has gone unanswered. And it makes me sad. Again, I can't fix shit, wouldn't dare try, but who doesn't get a little lift outta knowing that someone out there thinks you are good, decent, and interesting and is truly interested in forming a real friendship. I think I've made it clear that I put absolutely no faith whatsoever in relationships that form on this site; the survival rate of those relationships is lower than people with end stage renal failure. Not likely to happen. Not in the romantic sense, anyway.........some of the friends I have made on this site, I fully expect to part of my life until my dying day. But I'm not searching for the love of my life on here, nor do I expect to find my next husband through a blog. Nope. Not for me.
But he isn't really giving the friendship a chance. Personally, I believe you can never have enough friends, especially if you know they are on your side. So, I guess it stings a bit that he is so nonchalant about the offer of friendship extended. In my mind, any friend that has faith in you is a good thing to have, regardless of what difference you might or might not have. And the fact that he would really be so willing to pass that up makes me feel pretty rotten. You know, I have lots of wonderful friends. I am blessed, more than I could ever have hoped for, in that department. I could easily name off 15 people that I know have seen my best and my worst, but they choose to look past the less than stellar qualities, and love me for all of it. THAT, to me, is an answered prayer of amazing magnitude. I only hope they know that I care for them just as much. I say all that to say this: it's not that I'm desperate for friends. I'm not jonesing for male attention because I have enough of that to be happy without it being such a commonplace occurrence that it seems weird and unnatural. It is just really so rare that someone positively intrigues me, so rare that I feel like I can relate on a parallel level to someone. Let me repeat.....this is not about me thinking, "Oh, gee......if only he'd let me into his life, I could hang curtains, brighten the place up.......". Not at all. It's just me thinking that if you can no longer trust the people you've built your life around, why wouldn't you give trust a try with someone who has nothing to gain? No agenda, no expectations, just wants to be friends. I don't get it.
He declined on actually meeting me while I was in his town. He has declined phone contact. Now, he doesn't even email, so I guess the conclusion could be one of several options. 1) He thinks I'm a crazy internet stalker, looking to land myself a man on whatever site I can find one willing, 2) He doesn't really want anyone in his life, friendship or otherwise, or 3) He does want that someone, it's just not me that fits the bill. I'm going with Option #3 on this one. Still makes me sad, but whattya gonna do?
So, I have to let him go. I pray for his safety, his happiness, that his every dream will come true, but I have to let it go at that. If he wanted me to be the tiniest part of his life, I would surely know by now. Again.....sad, because I really sensed a connection. But again, I've been wrong alot lately.
I really only wanted to be his friend. I really only wanted him to know that I believe in him, although I'm not exactly sure why. I don't know him well enough to have that kinda confidence, but it's a gut level impression that I stand by. And even weirder than that, sometimes I can be doing something, like working, and I'm totally in a zone. But the thought will cross my mind that he is in pain, and it makes me want to reach out; but how many times do you need your hand, or email, slapped away before you finally get it through your thick skull that this person doesn't need you or want you in his life, on any level? So, it is with regret that I let go.
I will continue to pray for the best outcome for his life. I will pray for healing, peace, and the quiet calm that comes from knowing that who you are, what you look like, is okay. Even if some people, okay, alot of people hurt you, that was THEIR shortcoming, not your's. And there are still honest, decent, good people that see good things in them.
So, I'm either not the kinda friend he would want, or else he really doesn't want friends. Lonely life to shut yourself out away from the world. And I don't want him to be lonely. That breaks my heart.
BUT, it's time to let it go. Keep him in my thoughts and prayers, but outta my addy book. He doesn't want to be there. Not that having me in his life would be extremely beneficial, but my motives are pure, or at least as far as I know. I think he's a cool person, I just don't think he always thinks so. Oh, well..........can't beg him to be open to a friendship, so I am officially declaring "uncle".
So, it's sad, but lots of things are. I will never mention him by name, but if any of you don't mind, I really think he could use some prayers from those of you awesome people that also hate to think of someone being unhappy for months, maybe years on end.
I guess that's it. Tired, stinky, and hungry. Glad to be home and ready to eat and curl up in bed with my awesome dogs.
Hey, BTW, everyone......I'll get to everyone's email tomorrow........I had to get this off my chest, but I'm too pooped to do much more.
Hugs to you all. I appreciate your friendships more than you could ever know.
Country boy, BTW, has invited me to go to the 3 Doors Down concert on July 29th. As luck would have it, my travel is local that day so I will definitely be in town. I have warned him that, at any concert, I am going to fight my way to front stage, security be damned, and I will throw elbows east and west to get there. Since, God love him, country boy's stature, while muscular and extremely well proportioned, is still smaller than mine, I have advised him to just hang on, keep up, let me do the trail blazing, and I'm apologizing in advance if I wind up getting his ass kicked. I don't know about anyone else, but I believe rock concert behavior is fair game, totally up for grabs, and there are no rules.
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