45876 Blog Feed: BlueMoonInMyEye 2008-07-21 23:07:05 BlueMoonInMyEye Your e-mail address 126595 2008-07-21 23:45:05 Bad news today. 

My administrative assistant, who is sorta my lifeline to the actual corporate office, was in a motorcycle accident over the weekend.  As of this morning, it was declared that she would be paralyzed and ventilator-dependent for the rest of her life.  Could be a long life since her 26th birthday was this past Saturday.  The news completely rocked me.  I feel sick.  And helpless. 

However, I am not giving up hope.  From what I've learned, the brain and the spinal cord is completely intact, but she fractured cervical vertebrae C2-C6.  For the medically disinclined, this alone should've killer her.  But it didn't.  It should've at the very least severed the spinal cord at the base, but it didn't.  Her name is Catherine, if anyone would like to offer up a prayer for her.  I personally would appreciate any faith anyone has to offer up on Catherine's behalf.  I've just felt drained since I found out. 

On a positive note, I'm watching my company, a global giant in the world of pharmaceuticals, rally around Catherine and her family.  Assembling groups of people to raise funds for the mammoth medical costs she is incurring.  Upper management is actually mobilizing teams that work from the main office to maintain a paid, round the clock vigil for her.  Right now, I'm seriously thinking I am blessed to work for these people.   Proud to be one of them.

My sister went back to the ER tonight.  They didn't admit her, but she has another appointment with the surgeon tomorrow, so we aren't in the clear yet.  Hard to watch her have good days and then days of suffering.  Wish this was over for her. 

Country boy asked me about Scott.  He had some background info from his sister and just asked what happened.  I simply said Scott was unhappy with me and moved on to find someone who could make him happy.  Country boy said what should've been the sweetest thing in the world, but cut me to the quick:  "How could anyone be miserable around you?  You just shine.  You brighten up a room.  What else could he want?"  I told him that apparently Scott wants someone who has nothing to say when they are mad, doesn't smoke, and doesn't rock the boat.  Of course, that's just my humble opinion, as I really don't have the slightest clue what Scott needs, I just know it's not me.  CB said, "Wow......he must have impossible standards." 

Funny how Scott once said the same thing about Kevin.  "How could he let you get away", Scott, at one time, wanted to know?  I wonder now if he has answered that question for himself? 

I find myself more and more drawn to CB.  Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's because he makes me feel beautiful, maybe it's because he looks me in the eyes always, or maybe it's because there is a strong gentleness about him.  Or maybe I'm just putting the cart before the horse here, maybe I'm too willing to believe him at this point.  Maybe I listen to him talk about his boys and realize that his capacity to feel love goes beyond measure.  I dunno.  Maybe I'm just crazy.

The thing is, I tend to go to extremes.  I can almost tell immediately if I'm interested, and I can't tell just as quickly if I'm not.  AND, since I seem to go full steam if I am interested in something/someone, I know that I also have the tendency to allow things to take off much faster than they should.  It seems natural at the time, but it's never worked in the past. 

But damned if I know what the "right" way to do this might be.  Do I purposely hold back from CB simply to avoid "rushing"?  Is the rushing part what's been my mistake in the past, or has it been the person with whom I was in such a hurry? 

Another point to ponder:  what if all the time I've wasted looking for the quirky, broody, intelligent man that offered a challenge, a meeting of the minds, is just a bunch of shit?  What if the real thing is much more simple?  Just so no one panics here, believe me, I'm not picking out china patterns or anything, I'm just thinking, as usual.  What if the best life in the world is waiting with someone like Country Boy, and having a good family life all the way around?  What if true happiness lies in the smiles of kids, watching them grow and learn and actually participating in that?  Up until now, a guy with kids has been a slight deterrent for me.  Not something I purposely avoided altogether, but certainly not my idea of the ideal situation.  What if I've been all wrong? 

If it's not so clear, Catherine's accident has forced me into a very cold and harsh reality.  You never know.  Your life can change on a dime.  One second, you are hanging out with friends for your birthday celebration, the next you are hooked up to breathing apparatus and completely unconscious.  I've never really believed the phrase that "life is short" because it sometimes seems to drag by in long days and longer nights.  Sometimes it seems like life is a series of repetitive actions, old patterns that just keep playing out over and over and over.  Until that single event happens that changes your life forever in a matter of seconds, for better or worse.  Sorta puts things in a new perspective. 

It's got me thinking seriously about what really matters in life.  What's more important......the things you might look back on in 20 years and regret like hell, or the things right in front of you that are little miracles in themselves?  And if we really looked at the oh so special things in our lives as true miracles, should there even be room for wasting time with regret?  It's kinda sobering.

So, Catherine is on my mind.  And weighing heavy on my heart.

]]> 125975 2008-07-20 14:42:40 A sequel to yesterday's post.  The saga continues, but has taken kinda a Halmark turn.  Okay, maybe not exactly HALMARK, but at least it's not a freakin' Lifetime Channel twist.

Much to my surprise, CB DID call me yesterday.  I assumed, after our last conversation where I basically had nothing to say, that he would disappear.  I figured he would decide that I wasn't returning his interest and head for the hills.  But he didn't.

I think I've mentioned this before in a blog, but his sister is my new hairdresser.  And not just mine, but my sister's, my niece's, my aunt's, AND now, my stepmom's.  Yep, she's pretty much the bomb.  And if you are a chick, you know that you always wind up discussing your personal life with your hairdresser.  Unfortunately then, CB's sister was privvy to some of my inner demons before she told me her brother was interested in seeing me. 

The sister has questioned me, prior to my involvement with CB, about relationship status, do I ever want to get married, does the travel keep me from meeting people or dating, am I at all interested in dating, and so forth.  My answers were fairly straight-forward:  that I was divorced 4 years ago and in that time I have dated one person seriously, and maybe have gone out on a dozen random dates or so that led to nothing.  I told her that I have an awesome family, friends to die for, and I'm pretty happy with my own life.  I've told her that yes, I would eventually like to find someone special, but my days of being someone's ego booster were over.  I've told her that I refuse to live my life around finding "the one", it will happen if it is supposed to happen, and until then, I feel like I've eaten enough shit to last me for a lifetime.  She knows that I came away from the Scott ordeal with a strength I didn't know I still had, a new perspective on dating in general, and a general distrust of anyone that seems to be repeating the same endearing shit I believed from him. 

So, this sets the tone for her comments to CB when I gave her my card and told her to have him give me a call.  She said to CB, "She's really easy to talk to, she's alotta fun, but I get the feeling she can be a hard-ass.  I think she could easily take or leave someone."  These comments have been in the back of CB's mind the way Scott's have been in the back of mine. 

Yesterday's general chit-chat predictably turned to the conversation from late Friday night.  CB apologized for implying that I put forth no effort, admitted that his reticence was from his own insecurity, and he did find himself wondering if he was just someone I could easily take or leave.  He told me he thought I was "adorable".  He told me he's never spoken with anyone like me.  He told me he was happy with the way things were progressing and apologized again for minimizing my efforts and displays.  I told him that this was unfamiliar territory for me as well, and I move at my own pace.  Period.  Can't change it and if he needs more than that from someone at this stage in the game, I'm unlikely to be what or who he is looking for.  He shot that down, and assured me that he was pleased with the flow of things.  Since I can so easily relate to the way doubts creep up from the dark recesses of your mind, in response to the words of someone significant that have stuck there, I decided to call it good.  He showed up last night with a box of dark chocolate and a scary movie, so all is forgiven.

Here's the thing:  Scott also used the word "adorable" when complimenting me.  I don't think I have to remind anyone that he also professed to have never met my equal. AND, in a stranger post-script, it was not uncommon for him to show up with chocolate and sweet tea when Flo was being a raging witch.  And as much as I appreciated CB doing and saying these things, it sorta made my blood run cold. 

I really, really like him so far.  He's kind, he's funny, he's handsome, he's attentive......but it's only been a month, so the jury is still out on whether or not these things are genuine or some sort of facade.  And I'm trying hard to not get caught up in the newness, the excitement, the fact that he kisses me like he means it..........the guard is up, eyes are open, and I'm determined to keep a healthy distance here.  I want to believe what he says, because that would mean that I could let the walls down some......but I can't do that.  I did that with Scott, and it wound up nearly being my downfall.  I can't go there again.  Ever.  It just gets so exhausting, always troubleshooting, always making sure the bases of your heart are covered.  I wish that wasn't necessary, but it sooooo is.  Not just necessary, but a priority. Of paramount importance in terms of self-preservation. 

So, I'm following the wait-n-see plan.  Or trying to, as much as a veteran OCDer can.  ]]> 125462 2008-07-19 02:09:23 Aunt Flo is on the warpath.  Really, she's a freakin' barbarian this month.  I wake up in the morning expecting to see skulls pierced by sharp stakes strewn across my house.  She is one evil bag of hormones.

Had dinner with Shan tonight.  I really didn't feel like making the 45 minute drive, but she's pregnant, due in a coupla weeks, and this was likely to be the last time I saw her before she delivers.  Anyhoo, so in spite of the fact that Aunt Flo seems to have brought her round the clock, blinding cramps with her, I met Shan. 

The plan, since I knew it would be a short night with Shannon, was for Country Boy to come over later and watch a scary movie.  But on the drive home, my Spaghetti Marinara combined with Aunt Flo's kick-ass cramps, left me with the horrible urge to yak.  And a splitting headache.  All I wanted to do was come home, eat Ibuprofen, pray for it to stay down, curl up with the dogs and the heating pad, and wait for either death or morning, whichever one came first. 

So, I called Country Boy to see if we could skip off of tonight and postpone for tomorrow night.  The entire conversation is entirely too tedious to detail here and, quite honestly, I'm not sure that replaying it again wouldn't make me feel like yakking all over again, but I will give you the gist.  Basically, CB wanted to know if I was offering up a lame excuse.  Since, in the last month, we've basically spent hours on the phone, taken huge strides in getting to know each other, and he DID spend the night on my couch, I inquired why he would think I was operating that way.  It seems that since he usually calls me and is always the initiator in terms of plans that he thinks I might not be so into him.  I explained that this is sorta the way it works at first.  The boy calls the girl, he asks her out, she says yes, and so on.  Am I wrong?

Anyhoo, I apologize to him if I've done something, or not done something, that made him feel that way.  I realize I am not always the most demonstrative person in the world, and it's possible that I think I am relaying interest when it doesn't necessarily look that way to the outside observer.  He mentioned, and not for the first time, that he is not accustomed to being the aggressor.  He also mentioned, another repeat, that he finds himself on unfamiliar territory with me.  Not sure exactly what that means.  But I talked to him for most of the drive home.  When I pulled into my drive, I asked him if I could call him back after I'd put on my pj's, possibly threw up, and got settled it.  Yes, he said, that would be fine.  And then he didn't answer when I called. 

An hour later, he called back.  He said he fell asleep on the couch with his boys, watching a movie.  I don't even think I had 10 words to say.  He obviously noticed that I was uncharacteristically quiet and asked if everything was okay.  Of course, I said yes, everything is fine, but that he still sounded tired.  He agreed and we got off the phone. 

But no, things are not okay.  At all.  First of all, the entire conversation of doubt and uncertainty took place simply because I feel like my uterus is being pulled out of my body from the back side and I cancelled the movie that he probably wouldn't have been able to stay awake for anyway.  No, I don't call him often; I always return his phone calls.  And his texts, and I think I've said before that I hate texting.  I really do.  But I always respond to his because they usually make me laugh and if that's just another way to talk to him, by God, I can get past my adversion to texting.  We've hung out at least one night a weekend since we met.  We've spent hours, literally, on the phone.  I worked yesterday morning to doctor up his resume so he can apply for a supervisory position within his company and, God love him, the resume he put together did not do him proper justice.  I actually told him that I had missed him while I was gone and how strange of a feeling that was for me.  Tonight, in another uncharacteristic display, I actually told him that, in case I hadn't conveyed it clearly enough, that I really liked him.  He can't possibly understand what a risky and scary move that was for me, but shouldn't it have counted for something?

So, my question is, what more can I do?  That's the best I've got right now.  I've chased my last guy for the remainder of my days, but I do feel that I'm putting forth effort.  Effort that apparently isn't good enough.  Same story, different guy. 

Shit, I'm trying to be reasonable here.  He has basically taken over the care of his mother, he works full time, he's taken over all the responsibilities that his father once assumed, and he has 2 kids that both want and need his attention.  Talk about being in unfamiliar territory.  I'm treading softly.  I don't want to call, call, endlessly call him and intrude on time with his kids.  I don't want to be the "girlfriend" associated with interrupting their time together.  I only intended to give him his space to do the things he needs to do, but still make myself available when he could break free.  Can someone please tell me what in the living hell is so wrong with that?  I've known him for 1 month.  One.  And although I think this could have potential, isn't it a bit early in the game for insecurity? 

I'm really trying to be careful with the kid thing; his 10 y/o likes me alot, from what little time I've spent around him, but I haven't yet met the youngest.  But I do know from all of my early childhood development studies that a 7 y/o is more likely to feel threated by someone vieing for his daddy's attention.  Gotta be careful there; don't want to leave a kid feeling like he has competition with daddy's new "girlfriend" (not a title I would use, but one that I feel certain a kid would automatically assign to me).

He tells me how much he enjoys spending time with me.  He tells me he could never get bored talking to me.  And I would be lying if I said  "Yep, heard that before" hasn't crossed my mind.  A million times.  Yep, dying to blurt out, with Aunt Flo's encouragement, "Oh, yes.....you adore me now, but you won't in another month.  In fact, if two months DOES happen to roll around, you will likely be tired of hearing my opinions.  The sense of humor you love so much right now will become so redundant that you might even call me "silly" or "immature".  AND, you will find yourself living behind my couch, sullen and withdrawn, looking for the easiest way out, drinking all my orange juice while you do it.  From my living room."  Yeah, I really, really want to scream that out loud, but I don't, and hopefully, Flo will take that notion with her when she goes. 

But here's my hang up, or at least one of many:  true, this guy isn't Scott and shouldn't be punished for the pain Scott caused, the baggage he left behind.  I get that.  But I'm trying.  And not just minimal effort here.  I always make time to talk to him, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing.  Does he not think I have lots of people I could call from my hotel room or the airport?  Yes, I do, and quite frankly, some of those people are getting a little pissed at me for NOT calling more often.  Does he think I wanted to revise his resume because I got some sort of satisfaction from it?  Or is it more likely that if this job is important to him, it is important to me and I wanted, offered, to help?  And when he lauded my professional abilities, believe me when I say that I was quick to point out that the experience and education were his own achievements.......I just know how to put them down on paper where they stand out.  I can't take anything away from him, nor did I want to, just because he was impressed by my work.  Does that not say something?  Does it not say something about how I feel about him that I tailored his cover letter towards the work ethic and personal integrity that I have myself witnessed in him and by which I was personally impressed?  Does it not mean a damn thing that when he talks about not wanting to live with his mom forever, that I'm quick to remind him that it doesn't have to be forever, but for now, he's doing what families do......pull together, sacrifice for each other? 

I'm not trying to pat myself on the back for being a stellar support system.  But I was actually starting to believe in him and wanted him to know that.  I am not playing games by not calling him as much as he calls me.  True, I don't intend to chase him, but shit.....is it so wrong for me to want to see some give and take here?  I think my responses to him are immediate.  And whatever else, I'm giving this the best I have.  When I've been traveling and I'm pretty beat when I get home, I invite him to come over.  He might initiate more, but I assure you, friends and neighbors, that I am by no means slacking over here.  I'm doing my best.  It might not be ideal,but it's the best I've got.  And once again, I feel like I'm investing time in someone who doesn't see me for the things I offer, but only for the ways I fall short.  Really, really tired of that. 

So, tonight, when he called me back, for whatever reason since he was still actually yawning, I had been mulling this over and had very little to say.  He mentioned the fact that I was unusually quiet and I simply replied, "It happens sometimes". 

I should've run like hell a week ago when the first impulse hit me.  Another guy totally blind to the things I demonstrate,or try to, and my best will never be enough.  Another guy who can't possibly understand how difficult it is to want to take a chance, to want to give it a shot, but still feel the need to protect yourself.   And unless he's willing to step from his comfort zone and put forth maybe a little more effort than he might have exerted in the past, then I'm hitting the dirt road.  The way it's looking right now, I should probably do that, anyway.  I'm clearly already failing in some way.  He's scaring me.  He's reminding me of very, very painful things, a pattern that is all too familiar, a pattern that only I can break.  I realize it's only been a month, but right now, he's not even close to actually getting what I'm about.  And the fact that he's already unhappy about what he's getting is just about all the evidence I need that I need to cut this loose, now, before I get hurt again. 

And if I have to find yet another hairdresser in the process, so be it.  I am so fucking tired of apologizing for myself when I know I'm doing all I can.  ]]> 124382 2008-07-17 11:21:57 I'm in the strangest mood today.  The following will probably make little sense to anyone, but I don't suppose that's a new concept. 

I just got home from San Francisco last night, only my favorite place in the world.  I dunno why, either.  True, in my mind, I've already settled on Charleston, but my heart is in San Francisco.  Have you ever been someplace that just felt like home?  A place that just caused a stirring in your soul that you can't quite explain?  SF is always so near and dear to my heart, and yet practicality dictates that moving THAT far would be illogical.

My favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant is there.  It's called North Beach Pizza, and isn't it strange that outta all the awesome restaurants in San Francisco that I insist on eating at this little dive whenever I go?  Yum.

For a long while, I sat on what I consider to be "my" bench down by the pier, and watched the sailboats on the bay.  Awesome view of Forbes Island and Alcatraz Island.  For whatever reason, this is a very special place for me.  I feel at peace there.  You can also see the sea lions from this spot, there is always a chilly breeze blowing in from the bay, and it's just a scene like none other.  The backdrop is an awesome view of the SF skyline.  Staring at it never gets old to me.

I talked to country boy a bit on Monday, but for much longer Tuesday night.  He's barely been outta the state, although he has family in Charleston, if that's not a wild coincidence.  He wanted to hear all about SF, he asked lots of questions, and I think he might really have been interested.  He mentioned that although he would love to travel and see the places I get to see, he wasn't necessarily so willing to sacrifice precious time with his family to do it.  Is that hard for you, he wanted to know?  It was at first, I told him, but now I feel like I have the best of both worlds.  It's not like I never see my family or friends.  Just not every day.  But I thought it was a thoughtful question for him to ask. 

He listens.  He picked up that I sometimes call my dad "dad" and I sometimes call him by his first name.  And he asked me if I felt he was prying if he asked why that was.  So, I explained the history in skeleton terms, but was fairly astounded that he made the observation when even I hadn't noticed that I'd just referred to my dad as "Bill". 

Anyhoo, how all this ties together in my warped little mind.........strangely enough, I found myself missing country boy a little when I didn't talk to him much on Monday.  How is that possible?  And did I really miss him or was it some strange romanticized feeling that blew in from the bay?  Was it him or the fact that I was in the most incredible place on earth and feeling somewhat nostalgic?  I dunno. 

Country boy has nothing to do with my wish to move to Charleston.  He won't hinder the move and he won't inspire it.  It's just one of those things that I wonder if I will regret when I'm 50 if I don't do it.  It's the only thing that I've ever thought about doing that I haven't actually gotten around to doing.  If I was to die tomorrow, I could honestly say that I have done everything I set out to do, to date anyway.  Except that.  But here is a song lyric that was running through my head while I was mesmerized by the San Francisco Bay, enjoying the contentment of the moment, and slightly, possibly missing country boy:

"Home is where the heart is,
That's what somebody once said.
I think your heart is where your love is,
The rest is all in your head." 

I love my life here, but I don't love "here".  I love my family, I love my friends, and I love the fact that, at any given moment, I have a troop of supporters that would do anything in the world for me.  I hate the fact that this town is so small that every corner holds a memory I'd just as soon forget.  I hate knowing that I will eventually run into "him", and that he will, at some point, marry the girl who is everything I'm not.  I despise knowing that if I did decide to aggressively pursue the local online dating options, I will come profile to profile with him routinely.  Always reminded that he is still looking for anyone but me.  Forever reminded of how many ways I fell short in his eyes.  Constantly reminded that the love of my life ultimately found me to be inferior, when at first he was so taken with me.  I'm not saying I'm still in love with him, because I don't think I am.  I just know that he is the only man that has ever gotten the full, unadulterated version of me, and for that, he remains to date the love of a lifetime.  Whatever it was about him that made me feel so safe, so secure, so okay to be myself all the time, and whether or not this unknown quality was real or a sham, it still comes down to me knowing he has been the only one that got the whole "me".  So that makes him incredibly significant, even if I am no longer "in love" with him.  And I can't really imagine reaching the place where any random reminder that the whole me wasn't good enough for someone I truly adored won't be painful.  On a much smaller scale, this is why the Random Email Guy thing was such a kick to the pants.  I found him to be incredibly interesting and decent, he found me to be an inconvenience.  It's a sucky feeling. And it was yet another reminder that this is not the first time I have been someone's "nothing special".

So, I wonder about moving.  What if relief isn't waiting somewhere else?  What if this desire to go is really just the culmination of alotta shit in my head, and none of it relevant to where my heart REALLY is?  What if, all my life, I've been drawn to things in a romance that don't mean a damn thing?  And what if someone with simple values like country boy (although not necessarily HIM) is really all I need to love and be loved for the long haul?  What if the complexity I have always craved will consistently come attached to the eventual coldness that breaks my heart?  And what does it mean that while I was finding myself feeling something like sadness from not talking to country boy, that I also found myself near tears when I found a picture of "him" that I didn't even know existed in the graphics file on my cell phone?  How do I begin to untangle this wadded up ball of string?  Or do I even have to sort that out?  Country boy comes with no strings, and I wonder if I'm so accustomed to working out the knots in something that I can't fully appreciate a man that doesn't require deciphering techniques. And at the end of the day, isn't the simplicity that comes with the absence of uncertainties and drama really the only way to know that you are truly loved?  What a mess. 

But, as messy as it seems, in a way, it feels like some sort of recognition is just ahead.  Don't know what, but have you ever felt like you were on the cusp of something?  Again, I'm sure this makes no sense to anyone, not even me, so I should probably stop babbling now.  ]]> 122134 2008-07-12 02:35:21 I had dinner with friends tonight. 

I met Wamp and Rhonda about 9 years ago while I was working as a research coordinator at a clinical trials site.  The three of us hit it off immediately.  There's just some people that you were destined to meet, and the Wamp and Rhonda are definitely 2 of those people in my life.  Serious soul sistas. 

And the weirdest thing is, usually when there are 3 chicks in a friendship, 1 winds up getting left out of something at sometime.  But we've never been that way at all.  There's never been any backbiting, excluding, anything like that.  If we've argued, it was as a unit.  If we made plans and the 3rd person couldn't make it, the other 2 missed them, and there was never any chatter about the 3rd person while they were absent.  And if there was chatter, it was all good stuff.  Quite possibly one of the truest friendships I have ever had the privilege to enjoy. 

Rhonda has been MIA for the last year.  She's a single mom and decided to go back to school to get her Master's in Physical Therapy.  Between work, school, her daughter, and the fact that she lives 2 hours away from me, and 1 hour away from Wamp, we haven't seen hide nor hair of her since last July.  We've talked on the phone occasionally, and we've emailed and texted some.......but all of her free time was devoted to her daughter. 

She's done with school now and is just waiting to take her state boards.  And tonight was the first time the 3 of us have been together since a trip to Florida last summer.  You'd think in the course of 1 year, something would be different.  Let's see.....Wamp and me had a tremendous falling out, Wamp had baby #3, I had a meltdown over Scott, started a new job, went back to the old job, had a handful of random dates, Wamp and me let bygones be bygones; with all that, you'd think there'd be a shift somewhere.  But not one thing has changed.  We sat around, ate, laughed, had the same flow of conversation we always did, and it just seemed like old times.   Those 2 are the kinda friends that I might not talk to for a while, but when we get back together, we pick right up like no time at all has passed.  I'm both blessed and grateful to have them. 

I have alot of friends that I trust with my life.  I'm proud of them, proud to call them my friends, and proud that they want me as a friend in return.  It's good to have those people around when you feel like you've cut some losses.  It's amazing to know that there are people that love you just the way you are.  It sorta spoils me, I think, because that makes the people that either kick you to the curb, or relegate you to the periphery that much more obvious. 

Is it spoiled, selfish, or just plain wrong to want to surround myself ONLY with the people that I know want me around?  Is it bad that I don't want to be anyone's take-it-or-leave-it person?  I realize that in life there are acquaintances and then there are friends, but if acquaintances have the ability to hurt your feelings, is it so wrong to stay away from them? 

The recollection of some people still has the ability to hurt me, and I really don't want to add anyone else to that list.  Maybe it's childish, but I have this need to protect myself.  For all of my smack talk and ranting, I'm actually a fairly vulnerable person, and I don't want anyone to be able to hurt me again.  I guess that would mean retreating from anyone new, not making efforts to get to know new people, and standing on the sidelines, blending in with the scenery.  Country boy, for example........couldn't he just walk away more easily than Scott did?  Not that Scott didn't leave easily.......I'm quite certain he did and rebounded quite nicely, but I'm just saying......couldn't that happen? 

In a few months, I'm going to be 36 y/o.  And it occurs to me that I have spent a great deal of time, in those 36 years, mourning the loss of someone.  Wondering if I did something wrong.  I'm really tired of that.  Really, really tired of that.  I don't want it anymore. 

I might be alot better off to just focus on what I know......my current friends, my family, my own interests and leave everything and everyone else alone.  I don't know that exposing myself to anything or anyone new and potentially damaging is worth the risk anymore.  ]]> 121845 2008-07-11 13:15:05 Often, things take a turn when you aren't really expecting a fork in the road. 

Maybe I have my infrared goggles on, the goggles that make me able to spot a red flag, in the pitch blackness, at 100 yards.  Or maybe the red flag is much closer to me, waving like a banner, plain as day.  Or maybe I'm just spoiled, tired, and have expectations that no one will ever meet and the only existing red flag is attached to me.  Anything is possible. 

Country boy.........I've already lauded him enough.  Not much else to say about how incredibly awesome he is.  Now, here is where I start to analyze again.

We talk on the phone alot.  Really, all the time, and the conversation never gets boring.  There's no awkward pauses of silence when no one has anything to say.  Really like talking to him, but then, I could probably talk up a storm to most people.  Anyhoo......

So, lately, country boy has a nasty habit of doing this:  we will be chatting, and we are in the stages of getting-to-know-each-other where you often discuss family, friends, and other things that are important, but he will sorta zone out for a few minutes.............no "Hey, can you hang on a second?" or "Hold up......my mom is talking to me."  No official warning that I'm in mid-sentence, and evidently talking to myself.  Nope, just a few minutes of nothing and then, "Okay, I'm back......what were you saying?" 

Now, let me just interject and say if his mom is bleeding from both eyes or ears, I could totally understand the frequent interruptions.  Or even if she has something important and pressing to say.  But this is not the case.  More often than not, it's about what they are going to cook that evening.  Might be just random conversation.  And if the interruption occurred in the lull of conversation, I could also understand this.  I'm having trouble, however, being okay with the frequency of this and the fact that it occurs whenever we are having a full-fledged conversation. 

Also in my defense is that almost all of my friends have children, so it's not that I'm unaccustomed to having many interruptions during our phone conversations.  In fact, I think I would die if I was ever talking to Wamp when one of her sons came to tell her something and she said, "Not now, Luke......Mommy and Jenny are talking about the new fall line at the Limited."  That wouldn't be right at all.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. 

And with his father recently passing, his mother may need 100%, undivided attention right now.  I get that, and again, find his willingness to suspend his life for the good of his mother to be one of the nobler gestures I've encountered.  Just makes me think that he won't have much to give anything else.  And probably shouldn't, anyway.  Family first.  Always. 

So, it's not that I'm mad, pouting, or anything like that.  I get it.  I understand.  I just don't know if it's worth putting any more thought or effort into it.  In short, as of now, I'm quite sure he isn't "the one", but I don't guess he has to be for me to enjoy hanging out with him.  I might just put less time or energy into getting to know the things that make him him, does that make sense?  Instead of cautiously and prudently applying the brakes gently, maybe I should mash them to the floor, in terms of giving the possibility of relationship serious consideration.  Begin retreat mode, mentally and emotionally, if not necessarily physically.  Okay, that sounded bad.....I mean, still see him when he asks me out and I want to go, but just not get too involved.  Or maybe I should just run now.  I dunno. 

Being a veteran OCDer, sometimes I wonder if I take lessons learned a bit far.  I'm just learning that it is much more beneficial to let things, and people, go when it's time, and not one second later.  Can't say I'm exactly getting the hang of this just yet, but I'm at least considering the idea much more quickly than I have in the past when something seemed to be heading for NoWheresville.  My old MO was to hang on for dear life to something I wanted.  I often found myself hanging on so tightly that my hands wound up ripped, torn, and bleeding, and the object of my tenacity was still gone.  Don't want to do that, anymore.  Can't do that anymore.  ]]> 121527 2008-07-10 21:43:19 It's true that I have excellent stalking instincts.  It's also true that, most of the time, I keep my stalking efforts to a minimum.  I have never, for example, and would never spend the 29.95 for one of those peoplesearch reports that supposedly can offer up anyone's personal info, all living relatives down to 3rd generation removed, and any convictions ever except minor moving violations.  THAT, to me, is going overboard.

Nope, I prefer to stalk, when I stalk, from the comfort of my own home.  And really, the tactics are pretty juvenile, which in my mind, is what makes me different from the Unabomber or the Zodiac Killer.  Actually, since I'm lessening the gravity of this particularly weird hobby, you might even be able to apply the term "curious browsing while bored" instead of stalking.  Yep, I'm going with that one.

Anyhoo, so here's the story: Many, many months ago, there was a blogger on this site that positively intrigued me.  He's long gone now, surely blogging on some other private venue, but while he was here, he was interesting in a strange, quirky way.  Yep, you guessed it.......the very strange, quirky way that made me giggle.  We IM'd a few times, traded personal email addresses and occasionally emailed back and forth.  Traded phone numbers although phone communication was nil. 

Now, this guy has more shit on his plate right now than any one person should have to endure.  Seen some dark days.  We couldn't possibly be any more opposite than we are.  We barely speak the same language.  Why this still bugs me is a mystery to me, unless I really am a stalker in denial.  Nah, I'd own up to that if I really thought the shoe fit. 

I liked him.  And not in that creepy, online, "OMG, he's the love of my life" type of way; he was just, well, deep and broody in some ways, and yet you could easily detect something that wasn't quite so broody.  In fact, when I speak of him to my dear friend Meri, I refer to him as Captain Broody.  Or sometimes Captain Broody Butt.  But I mean that affectionately.  And I truly hate, hate, hate how the betrayal of the people he should've been able to trust has turned his life completely upside down.  There are 3 sides to every story, without exception, and I know this.  BUT, since perception is everything, if he FEELS betrayed (and honestly, I couldn't characterize his situation any other way), then he IS betrayed. 

So, in an uncharacteristic move for me, I did make frequent email content.  Nothing major, just general chit chat, random lists of likes/dislikes, so forth.  He usually responded, although sometimes it was days later.  Okay, not a huge problem, but he sorta would leave the impression that, despite his words to the contrary, he might be open to a friendship of sorts.  And in an unprecedented departure from both the norm and my better judgement, I sent him an email when I would be traveling down to his neck of the woods.  No pressure; just told him where I'd be if he wanted to meet for a drink, coffee, anything.  And here's why I did that, since ordinarily, outside of the girlfriends I have come to know and love from this site, I would never in a million years put myself in an unsafe situation. 

I felt safe with it.  Totally.  He's intense, I get the feeling he doesn't like himself all that much, even though there are a ton of impressive things about him that have absolutely nothing to do with what he DOES.  Everything to do with WHO he seems to be.  While it's also true that my little inner voice has been wrong quite a bit as of late, something about this guy seems real.  Some things seem to be bullshit, too, but who can't claim that accusation for themselves?  Show me the person who doesn't sometimes try to pull of something they aren't at all, and I will show you a headstone.  Anyhoo........

Since he made it clear that he was not a "phone person", the let's-get-to-know-each-other banter back and forth was usually not only initiated by me, but perpetuated by me as well.  For a simple reason:  I think there's alot to him.  I really wanted to get to know more about the guy, for many reasons.  First of all, I just liked him, weirdness and all.  Secondly, I get the impression that he is on his own quite a bit.  That makes me sad.  And not in a Oh-poor-guy-he-just-needs-TLC kinda way, but more of a he's-way-too-cool -to-be-living-in-misery sorta way.  Does that make sense?  It's not pity that I feel for him.....I can just empathize with being at a place in your life where you wonder just who the hell you can trust, if anyone.  And I had really hoped that he might pick up on the subtle things about me that make me trustworthy.  Sorta the way I intuited that he was not really this hard ass, island of a guy he both wants to believe he is and projects to the world around him. 

Now, this is not about being interested because I want to "fix" him, which seems to have become a new theme of my blogs; I swear it's not.  I can't do shit about all the people he loved and trusted that shit on his head.  I can't.  I guess, since I saw so much in him that was good, that he might see that not everyone will shake you down.  Some people look much further beneath the surface, the glossy brochure, because they know more is there.  And they want to hang with you anyway.  Not marry you, not make you the object of their every affection, not declare an email/online romance.......nothing like that.  Is it really so bad that someone just finds you interesting, in all your chaos, and wants to know more about you?  More about what you believe, what you like, what makes you happy........see, I like that shit.  I'm flattered when anyone wants to get to know me.  Maybe Captain Broody Butt doesn't feel that way.  Maybe he is perfectly content, going through life relatively alone........hard for me to understand, but hell........different strokes, you know? 

Anyway, so I sent him an email, just checking in the other day, an email that has gone unanswered.  And it makes me sad.  Again, I can't fix shit, wouldn't dare try, but who doesn't get a little lift outta knowing that someone out there thinks you are good, decent, and interesting and is truly interested in forming a real friendship.  I think I've made it clear that I put absolutely no faith whatsoever in relationships that form on this site; the survival rate of those relationships is lower than people with end stage renal failure.  Not likely to happen.  Not in the romantic sense, anyway.........some of the friends I have made on this site, I fully expect to part of my life until my dying day.  But I'm not searching for the love of my life on here, nor do I expect to find my next husband through a blog.  Nope.  Not for me. 

But he isn't really giving the friendship a chance.  Personally, I believe you can never have enough friends, especially if you know they are on your side.  So, I guess it stings a bit that he is so nonchalant about the offer of friendship extended.  In my mind, any friend that has faith in you is a good thing to have, regardless of what difference you might or might not have.  And the fact that he would really be so willing to pass that up makes me feel pretty rotten.  You know, I have lots of wonderful friends.  I am blessed, more than I could ever have hoped for, in that department.  I could easily name off 15 people that I know have seen my best and my worst, but they choose to look past the less than stellar qualities, and love me for all of it.  THAT, to me, is an answered prayer of amazing magnitude.  I only hope they know that I care for them just as much.  I say all that to say this:  it's not that I'm desperate for friends.  I'm not jonesing for male attention because I have enough of that to be happy without it being such a commonplace occurrence that it seems weird and unnatural.  It is just really so rare that someone positively intrigues me, so rare that I feel like I can relate on a parallel level to someone.  Let me repeat.....this is not about me thinking, "Oh, gee......if only he'd let me into his life, I could hang curtains, brighten the place up.......".  Not at all.  It's just me thinking that if you can no longer trust the people you've built your life around, why wouldn't you give trust a try with someone who has nothing to gain? No agenda, no expectations, just wants to be friends.  I don't get it.

He declined on actually meeting me while I was in his town.  He has declined phone contact.  Now, he doesn't even email, so I guess the conclusion could be one of several options.  1)  He thinks I'm a crazy internet stalker, looking to land myself a man on whatever site I can find one willing, 2) He doesn't really want anyone in his life, friendship or otherwise, or 3) He does want that someone, it's just not me that fits the bill.  I'm going with Option #3 on this one.  Still makes me sad, but whattya gonna do? 

So, I have to let him go.  I pray for his safety, his happiness, that his every dream will come true, but I have to let it go at that.  If he wanted me to be the tiniest part of his life, I would surely know by now.  Again.....sad, because I really sensed a connection.  But again, I've been wrong alot lately. 

I really only wanted to be his friend.  I really only wanted him to know that I believe in him, although I'm not exactly sure why.  I don't know him well enough to have that kinda confidence, but it's a gut level impression that I stand by.  And even weirder than that, sometimes I can be doing something, like working, and I'm totally in a zone.  But the thought will cross my mind that he is in pain, and it makes me want to reach out; but how many times do you need your hand, or email, slapped away before you finally get it through your thick skull that this person doesn't need you or want you in his life, on any level?  So, it is with regret that I let go. 

I will continue to pray for the best outcome for his life.  I will pray for healing, peace, and the quiet calm that comes from knowing that who you are, what you look like, is okay.  Even if some people, okay, alot of people hurt you, that was THEIR shortcoming, not your's.  And there are still honest, decent, good people that see good things in them. 

So, I'm either not the kinda friend he would want, or else he really doesn't want friends.  Lonely life to shut yourself out away from the world.  And I don't want him to be lonely.  That breaks my heart.

BUT, it's time to let it go.  Keep him in my thoughts and prayers, but outta my addy book.  He doesn't want to be there.  Not that having me in his life would be extremely beneficial, but my motives are pure, or at least as far as I know.  I think he's a cool person, I just don't think he always thinks so.  Oh, well..........can't beg him to be open to a friendship, so I am officially declaring "uncle". 

So, it's sad, but lots of things are.  I will never mention him by name, but if any of you don't mind, I really think he could use some prayers from those of you awesome people that also hate to think of someone being unhappy for months, maybe years on end. 

I guess that's it.  Tired, stinky, and hungry.  Glad to be home and ready to eat and curl up in bed with my awesome dogs. 

Hey, BTW, everyone......I'll get to everyone's email tomorrow........I had to get this off my chest, but I'm too pooped to do much more.

Hugs to you all.  I appreciate your friendships more than you could ever know.

Country boy, BTW, has invited me to go to the 3 Doors Down concert on July 29th.  As luck would have it, my travel is local that day so I will definitely be in town.  I have warned him that, at any concert, I am going to fight my way to front stage, security be damned, and I will throw elbows east and west to get there.  Since, God love him, country boy's stature, while muscular and extremely well proportioned, is still smaller than mine, I have advised him to just hang on, keep up, let me do the trail blazing, and I'm apologizing in advance if I wind up getting his ass kicked.  I don't know about anyone else, but I believe rock concert behavior is fair game, totally up for grabs, and there are no rules.  ]]> 120338 2008-07-08 14:55:25 I should've been on the road yesterday.  Developed fever, aches, and just general feeling-like-crappiness yesterday afternoon.  Went to sleep at like 6PM last night, got up at 3-4AMish to decide if I was up to the long drive yet.  Nope, I wasn't.  Thankfully, the site rescheduled me for tomorrow, so I'll take off in a little while.  At least I'm already packed up. 

The new theme to my blogs is getting tiresome for me, and yet, I'm the one stretching out the most minute detail of country boy.  I guess there's just some things you can't change.  I think the issues go beyond country boy, however, and in my usual fashion, I'm going to overanalyze them right here.  Enjoy.

I have never dated a guy with kids.  I've always known it might come up sometime because, let's face it, most people my age have children.  I like kids.  Never been sure exactly if I'm "mother" material, but never was sure I wasn't, either.  That's one of the rare things I have been able to just leave in God's hands and not force the issue.  And I firmly believe that you really can't have a clue what you are or are not ready to undertake until you are put in that position.  I've also always believed if you love someone, and I mean really love them, you will love their children by default.  How could you not, if those kids are actually a part of the man you love?  I am no stranger to hard work or less than ideal situations, so this never really seemed to be an obstacle with which I should concern myself. 

I've heard stories and read the blogs about people who recognized their soul mate at once.  I've heard the magical stories about love at first sight, skyrockets while kissing, and romance that never wears on your last freakin' nerve.  I've heard of people professing the most compatible ying-yang possible, therefore confirming, that their significant other was born and bred specifically for them.  I've heard people speak of the most faithful partner, the one so dedicated that he/she actually made you believe in yourself more.  Completed you. 

And by buying into this trend of thought, I have allowed myself to be overcome by the initial attractions, the immediate connections, the fireworks and butterflies.  And I have allowed myself to dismiss the less than special effect situations and the men that were cast in the supporting roles.  I have allowed myself to believe that complex people are more interesting, I was never skeptical of the men that poured out their hearts almost immediately, and  I believed that anything less than my intellectual equal would bore my ass off. 

I have been warned by my male friends that I will intimidate most potential partners.  I have been told that my strength, my intellect, my independence will scare the hell outta most men.  I have been assured that unless I became more needy, more clingy, more vulnerable, I will make men feel like less of a man, and therefore, send them running. 

Scott informed me that by trying to "fix" him, I was actually adding to his problems.  That by trying to repair him, I was dismissing his coping mechanisms as inadequate (which they are), and intruding on how he keeps himself "relatively sane". 

I have a long drive ahead of me to ponder these things further, but I've already chewed on them a bit, and this is what I have deduced. 

I look at my girlfriends........they always ask me for my opinion of any situation that is pressing them.  And I always offer my most heartfelt advice, suggestions, or just plain encouragement.  But not because I think I can fix what ails them; but because I love them and want to help in any way I can.  I cannot "fix" my sister's pain; all I can do is be considerate, offer whatever help I can, pray for her, and make her laugh when she feels like she's at the end of her rope.  My friends, with their various concerns..........most of the time, all I can do is relate, maybe commisserate, but make damn sure they know I'm here, I care, and I'm going to understand what they are feeling, even if I can't exactly empathize.  Make sure they know that whatever is going on with them is important to me, too.  That's it.  That doesn't even serve as a bandaid. 

So, if I find myself needing to "fix" a romantic interest, I'm not so sure it's outta some need within me to be the repair person.  I'm wondering if I'm just not more aggressive in particular situations, namely love interests, because if I love them in that way, I am fierce about protecting them.  Like a raging lioness.  You hurt them and I will hunt you down.  If they are hurting themselves, it makes me ache.  I'm not sure I can apologize for this.  Or if I even should.  So, it didn't do anything for Scott that I wanted to see him happy so badly I couldn't just sit back and do or say nothing.  I'm not sure I want to be the person that could.

Kevin accused me of the exact opposite.  When I kept silent about his job-hopping, thinking that by saying nothing and just going with it, he would know I was being supportive of him in his quest to find his niche.  When I simply picked up more hours to take up the slack, this later came back to bite me in the form of an accusation for putting my work before him.  So, it appears that I'm damned if I get involved, damned if I don't. 

What these two men have in common is actually very little, in fundamental aspects, but tons of things in the grander scheme.  They were both love at first sight.  They both provoked the strongest fireworks and butterflies........the most whirlwinded romances, like you see on the Halmark channel.  Their admiration of me, although short-lived, made me feel like I was the most important person in their stratospheres.  But ultimately, my actions, as perceived by them, were the blades that cut the ties.  Neither of them gave one fucking thought to the heart that beats underneath, the motivation behind what might have or might not have been the appropriate word or action.  If love occurred at first sight, then their vision was either clouded later down the road or else what they loved on first impression wasn't based on the things that go the distance.  Novelty.

In light of this, I find myself pondering the things that I think are the building blocks for something that was constructed to last.  I'm wondering if the initial sparks and explosives are really any indication of depth, because let's face it.......history has proven time and time again to me that these things mean nothing a year down the road.  Neither of them, apparently, gave any thought later, once the butterflies and excitement wore off, to the things that sparked the skyrockets to begin with.  In the thick of things, it was much easier for them to bolt, find the next best thing, reroute themselves around the rougher road than it was for them to consider that the passion and strength they once applauded were the same traits responsible for my ferocity towards them.  If my actions became a nuisance for them, neither one bothered to consider that the very same actions, at one time, had been endearing and even beneficial for them.  Neither one, evidently, ever thought,"Okay...she's a bit over the top (which, BTW, wouldn't have been a new discovery by this time), but her heart is in the right place and she's nuts about me.  She's honest, loyal, smart, and these are things to hang onto.  Won't find them everyday."  Nope.  Both of them were quick to leave, faster to replace.  Fireworks and butterflies were a thing of the past, a distant memory if even recalled at all.

I'm not trying to make country boy the love of my life here.  I'm just thinking about things, seeing them a little differently instead of focusing about how I FEEL about a given characteristic or lack thereof.  I'm wondering if, someone like country boy, who sticks with his loved ones through thick and thin, who maybe isn't so transparent from the word go, who possibly isn't so concerned about ambition, money, or prestige, who recognizes that these things won't mean shit in 20 more years anyway, isn't a little more valuable than his more complex counterparts.  Maybe someone like country boy, someone who doesn't tip his hand in the early stages of potential relationship, yet makes his interest clear in no uncertain terms, isn't quite the anomaly I'm making him out to be.  Maybe the emotional maturity, the appreciation of loyalty, love, and any form of consideration is worth more than any intellectual challenge or debate could ever be.  It could be that all the education and interesting quirks in the world aren't worth a damn thing if the person demonstrating them can't see past the end of his nose, and worse, doesn't want to.  It just may be that the simple man realizes that these things in another person aren't the easiest things to find, treasures them, and won't spend his life looking for the next best thing if he knows what's in front of him is pretty damned good. 

I dunno.  Just thinking.



]]> 119723 2008-07-07 12:46:11 A word about stereopsis.

I remember studying this topic in college and it bored me to insanity.  Perceptual psychology.  Shame that is a required class if you are a psych major.  Anyhoo.......

Stereopsis basically is the concept that you need both eyes to see depth in any object.  If you are currently bored outta your skull and want to experiment with this, cover one of your eyes and look at a tree or a plant.  Then look at the same tree/plant with both eyes.  Unless you are visually impaired, the view from both eyes should make the tree look more 3 dimensional.  Yeah.  Good stuff there.  Definitely worth the school loans.

BUT, in typical analogous fashion, about right now, I wonder if I'm viewing romance through only one eye.  And it made me think of stereopsis. Or the lack thereof.

Country boy was raised by good parents.  That much is clear.  He is polite, his manners are impeccable, he's considerate, he's respectful.........good relationship with his family, obvious respect for women in general, and he's comfortable with himself.  The confidence, I must admit, is sexy.  He hasn't led a completely charmed life, but he isn't packing enough emotional baggage for 10 people, either.  Likes to fish, hunt, just about anything outdoors.  Hard worker but not at all concerned with ambition.  Could not possibly care less what anyone else thinks of him, which is not to say he's arrogant, just extremely self-assured.  That being said..........

He's a completely foreign beast to me.  After a lifetime of guys with their back-breaking bullshit, I don't even know how to relate to him.  And, sadly enough, since he isn't screwed up nine different ways, I find myself a bit, I dunno......not bored at all, but maybe, less than intrigued?  I bemoan the fact that men have brought so much drama into my life with them, and yet, now that I'm faced with someone totally sans-drama, I'm wondering what's wrong with him.  I'm wondering if Scott wasn't right, that I'm a "fixer".  Gee-osh, I hope that's not the case. 

Country boy came over to watch a movie last night and my dog snapped at him when he moved closer to me on my couch.  That has nothing to do with anything, but I thought it was funny, so I mentioned it. 

Anyhoo, I think I might be a bit intimidated by the simplicity of him.  How can someone so simple, so unassuming, so easy to please, possibly deal with the whole mess of crazy that is me?  And if he can't relate to crazy and neurotic, is a true connection even possible?  Or is someone like that exactly what I need, albeit not necessarily what I thought I needed or wanted? 

I know my friends will say I'm overanalyzing, and they would be right.  That's what I do.  But I'm wondering right now, in consideration of Kevin and Scott, the only real relationships I consider to serve as reference points, if the problem is me.  Is it possible that I create the drama unwittingly?  Is it possible that without it, I will be bored, fail to thrive?  That doesn't seem intuitive, but here I sit, faced with everything in a man I ever said I wanted and I'm looking at it like it's in a specimen jar.  Not at all afraid to be myself, but also not being able to fathom trusting him with the shameful things in my past, things that have contributed to who I am today.  Almost convinced that he would be overwhelmed by them, and I would be underwhelmed by him and his lack of shameful things.  IS there an acceptable number of skeletons for the closet? 

I used to joke around with my family/friends, before I met Scott, that I needed ".......a guy whose mother was enough of a bitch to teach him that the world DIDN'T revolve around him without making him angry enough at women that he wanted to chop them up and bury them under the floorboards."  And viola, I got what I asked for, but it wasn't at all what I needed or ultimately wanted.  Again, in the absence of any clear idea of exactly what the hell I need or want, I wonder if the problem is me.  ]]> 118075 2008-07-03 13:23:44 Still have lotsa work to do.  The good news is, the new team lead responsibilities that have been tossed my way are starting to make sense to me.  Hopefully, the official promotion will come sooner rather than later.  But at least I'm getting the chance to perform in the official capacity now; might speed things along.  Fingers crossed.

I have decided that I am one cynical, skeptical, and negative woman.  At least for today.  Maybe it's because it's supposed to be rainy and cloudy the whole freakin' holiday weekend, and I soooo wanted to lay in the pool until Monday.  Or maybe it's because I'm still run down from the travel nightmares lately.  Aunt Flo is long gone, so it can't be her fault.  But today, I am one pissy chick.  And as usual, when I'm pissy, I like to spread the joy.  You all know the warning:   read at your own risk. 

Talked to country boy for a while last night.  The more I talk to him, the more I become convinced that he is genuinely a nice guy.  BUT, the more I talk to him, the more I want to NOT talk to him, if that makes any sense.  Meri has warned me about my overanalytical nature, but so far, I am unable to stop analyzing and overanalyzing my analysis.  Bitch-goddess OCD.  I love her and I hate her, all at the same time, meaning the bitch-goddess, not Meri.  Just wanted to clarify that statement.

Anyhoo, so last night, country boy made the following statement to me:  "I love talking to you; I've never spoken with someone so easy to talk to, where the conversation is so effortless.  Sometimes I feel badly, though, when the boys are saying, "Dad, get off the phone and play dodgeball with us."  Geez, what the hell do I make of THAT one? 

I mean, I get it.  I do.  And I honestly would think he was a prick if he ignored his boys just to talk to me.  This is just such foreign territory. 

Here's the kicker:  big shout out to Scott for obviously convincing me that everything is harmful, nothing can possibly be what it appears to be, and that my novelty will soon wear off on anyone.  Novelty.  Geez, there seems to be a theme.  Fun to talk to.  Easy to talk to.  Never met anyone like you.  Then, a hasty and usually confusing retreat. 

Needless to say, the whole Match.com episode, while relatively small, had a huge impact.  He is still out there.  He is still looking.  In my opinion, he is looking for everything I offered and yet that can't be true, can it?  So, that means one of two things is true:  1) He either really doesn't want what he thinks he wants, or 2) He wants all those things, he just didn't see them in me.  Option #2 would mean that the whole thing was a sham from go.  Option #2 is what plagues me right now. 

After all the accolades, the superlatives, all the protests of undying love and loyalty, all the I-Can't-Live-Without-You bullshit......to think that Option #2 is, in fact, the reality of the situation is downright scary.  I'm getting pissed about it all over again. And the reason is, no matter how gone he is, he is still in my head, effecting my decisions, coloring my perspective.......making me terrified of believing someone might be what they seem to be, making me, with his words on that damned profile, want to retreat, run away, hide, save myself from every going through what that son of a bitch put me through EVER AGAIN.  His fucking profile can make me doubt myself more than anything.  Because doesn't it just make sense, if he really wants all these things, and he's still looking for the "one", and if he ever meant a damn thing he said, he'd be coming back for me?  Wouldn't you think, if he ever meant a word of it, if that ice brick of a heart could really be penetrated, that he would be realizing about right now that he had everything in the palm of his hand, and he threw it away?  And, if all that's true, wouldn't it just make sense that the big dumbass would figure out that I'm less than a mile away, I'm not a glossy brochure, and he isn't likely to find another me?  Doesn't that make sense, or am I just dense? 

So, option #2 is on my mind.  If I knew that exactly what I wanted was right there, at the tip of my fingers, I would fight tooth and nail to grab it.  God help the person that stood in my way.  And since I simply cannot fathom anyone else doing any less, Option #2 has got to be the correct one.  Which makes everything and everyone else extremely suspect to me. 

Yesterday, I went into my Match account and deleted the profile, making sure I no longer get those hideous emails that say, "You have 2000 new matches".  And of course, while I was doing this, I peeked at my search criteria.  Yep, there he was.....still searching, still looking, the little engine that could.  And just like that, I was angry.  Just like that, I became convinced that I AM just a novelty, something fun to play with for a while, but the lustre will fade when a newer, improved version hits the market.  In short, I will always be Version #1, but Option #2. 

Happy Searching, Scott.  It's all yours.



]]> 117557 2008-07-02 13:16:56 I need to be working, desperately need to be working, but I want to finish my coffee for the first morning this week, and I'd like to post a damn blog.  Not that I have anything super-important to say; just an update or two, but it's the simple fact that I've been too busy to blog lately that irritates me.  It starts my mornings off all wrong.

Anyhoo, update on country boy:  oh, so much fun to talk to.  I talked to him on the phone one night for 5 hours.  Yes, I said 5.  And it was all general stuff; no personal life histories or anything.  Just fun stuff.  He has invited me out to his house for a family cookout type thingy on the 4th.  The invitation was delivered sorta in this way, "Hey, if your family isn't doing anything on the 4th, you are more than welcome to come out here.......".  I'm not going to go.  First of all, my family DOES have stuff planned and I really want to hang with them.  Secondly, I don't think that's a good idea for a 1st date.  At all. 

Here's another concern:  his sister mentioned to me that there is a girl he dates from work every here and there, but mostly, he just sees her whenever they are having some family get-together type thing that might be nice to bring along a date.  Sister says he is not interested in truly dating this girl.  I get that.  Okay.  Not a problem.  But I'm not looking to be a date of convenience, you know?  Not that I want to be the love of his life, either.....I just think that maybe how you set the tone at the beginning is the factor that will make or break things.  Example:  random email guy.........from "go" I basically sent the message that it was okay with me for him to respond to me at his convenience, it was okay that he wasn't a "phone person", and that it was acceptable that we learn more about each other strictly by sending the occasional email.  I did that.  And it didn't work, wasn't gonna work, but since that's what I habitually settled for, that's exactly what I wound up with.  Uh-huh. 

Now, I'm not sure if I posted this before or not, but country boy has alot of family responsibilities.  First of all, his father recently passed away and he is selling his house so he can stay with his mom.  His family seems to be very close, and this is the first time his mother has ever lived alone.  He does this because he wants to help her, not outta obligation or necessity.  Personally, I think this speaks volumes about him, all of it good.  It seems there is alot to take care of around his parents' house and he's taken over this responsibility.  And he has two boys, aged 10 and 7.  You only have to talk to him for a few minutes to understand that they are his life, that he gets them every chance possible, and this makes him the happiest.  Again, speaks alot about the heart that beats on the inside.  Very impressive to me.

But it also makes me wonder if he really has time to date, you know?  And I mean, in the true sense of the word, not just for cookouts and stuff.  Maybe the family functions are really the only time he has to "date"??  I dunno, but I don't think that's the optimal situation.  Seems backwards to me.  And I don't want to start off ass-backwards again.  Did that with Scott, although in a different way.  But so far, I do like him, I am interested, and I am simply watching my step right now.  If he wants to see me, he will ask me out for a one on one.  If he only wants a cookout buddy, he won't ask again until Labor Day.  I guess we'll see.

On other fronts, I have decided that Match.com was incorporated solely to torture innocent women.  It brings out stalking tendencies that you might not ever have tapped into without that freakin' website.  I am trying my best to NOT get on there and see what Scott's been up to.  So far, I've been successful, but I've also had limited access to the internet.  And I don't know why this is nagging me.  So he's got a profile?  I can honestly say that I derive zero pleasure from knowing that he is still looking.  So, he's looking for a more mature, non-smoking version of me?    Just more evidence that he wasn't into the whole package, just the parts that suited him (no pun intended).  So, he looked at my profile, a profile that has been on there for eons with almost no activity?  Does that really mean anything?  No, it can't.......if he knows I'm not routinely active, he wouldn't have any reason to think I'm still checking it out.  It means nothing.  Just that this town is entirely too freakin' small, that's it.  Why is any part of him still in my head?  True, it's a small part of my brain, but there all the same.  When does that part die?  Geez.

Okay, really gotta get some work done now.  ]]> 115698 2008-06-28 03:11:29 Just in case anyone decides to become a frequent traveler, let me give you a bit of information.  If O'hare airport is running behind, it will throw flights off schedule throughout the entire country.  I won't go into the particulars because I'm likely to start crying in rage, but this week's travels, while not quite as bad as last week's, sucked bad.  I'm soooo glad to be home.  Delayed, of course, but home just the same.  For 2 whole days.  Yay me!!!  I'm so tired, I literally ache.  Sometimes, I'm concerned that my ass will permanently attach itself to the cushion in my airplane seat, and then what in the world will I use as a flotation device in the event of a water landing???  I suppose if that actually happened, I would BE the flotation device.  Anyhoo.........

So, as usual, I have some stuff on my mind, and as exhausted as I am, I'm not sure that I could sleep until I dumped some of it. 

I don't want to use his real name right now, and a good alias escapes me at the present time, so I'll just say that the guy whose sister is trying to set us up called me again, and we actually connected.  Several times.  We've talked for a few hours.  He is very nice.  Has a nice voice.  And I really had fun talking to him. 

We have alot in common.  With one major difference:  he is the good ol' country boy, strong sense of family and extremely laid back.  Funny but polite, friendly but not quick to delve into personal details, and he always asks me if he can call me again.  In short, he's a gentleman so far. And I get the impression that he has his head on straight and doesn't concern himself with the crap in life that really means very little in the grand scheme of things.  Ah, the trademark of a country boy.   But it's clear that I am much more intense than he.  It's evident that he is easy-going, positive, avoids the uglier things in life, and I am fascinated by serial killers.  He is bound to think I'm a circus side-show. 

So, I've been thinking about that.  I am who I am, period.  Can't change it.  Probably wouldn't if I could.  And I have to admit that it's exciting to me, after so long, that someone actually picks up the damn phone to get to know me.  I don't even know if he has a PC.  It's really nice to know that someone wants to get to know me and is willing to make a fair effort to do so.  It's nice that the conversation, while personal and informative, did not wind up with us knowing each other's entire life stories at the end of the phone marathon.  It is apparent that he takes his time getting to know someone, not in a huge hurry........again, very relaxed.  And my initial gut reaction is that this is a man who is happy with himself and his life.  This guy is not looking for someone to complete his life, and that is abundantly clear.  And completely foreign to me. 

Here's where I get overanalytical.  Now, keep in mind that we have not met in person.  But he said something sorta strange to me.  After 2 hours of talking about all kinds of stuff, he says, "You know, there's really alot more to you than I thought."  Obviously, I asked him to elaborate and he said, "I dunno.  Maybe it was a hasty and unfair judgement, but just from your business card, I was kinda expecting a girly-girl."  So, I say, I am a girly girl about some things.  And he says, "Yeah, and don't get me wrong; feminine is great, but you have things to talk about other than getting your nails done.  I did not expect a girl who liked hair bands, knows how to shoot a gun and ride a four-wheeler, but then puts on a suit and heels.  Not what I expected."  Now, since his sister does my hair, I'm guessing he knows what great pains I go to regarding the care of my mop.  Maybe that had something to do with his preconceived notion.  And since it's hard to relate tone in blogs, let me just assure you, dear friends, that this was not delivered in a way that was at all insulting.  It was just an honest disclosure.  He wasn't being offensive, he wasn't worried about anything but voicing his thoughts.  Bizarre to me after the last 2 years. 

Anyhoo, so I find that I like this kinda attention.  Really like it.  And since I go full-throttle on everything I do, I am concerned that I will start to run with this, blurt out more than I should, disclose more than is appropriate, simply because it's been so damn long since I felt like any man really wanted to "get" the girl.  I guess I'm worried that, in my excitement that he is genuinely interested in getting to know what I'm about, that I will overindulge and over-oblige.  That I will inadvertently inundate him with TMI.  Like putting an Ethiopian kid in front of a buffet line, you know?  It's not that I think I will fall head over heels in a week or anything like that, but I am concerned that I will overwhelm. 

I don't know, I guess, since Scott pretty much obliterated me, how to be myself, but be myself in small doses.  Be myself in increments without compromising who I am, you know?  I don't want to hide or mask the things that make me me, and yet I don't want to give too much away too soon.  Does that make sense at all? 

I'm looking to do things differently this time.  I mean, even if this only winds up being dinner, a movie, and a handful of phone calls.  I'm just unsure how to govern myself.  Or if I should even try. 

And, of course, in the back of my mind are Scott's comments in his oh, so familiar Match.com profile:  ".......should be able to have fun, but still be an adult.  There has to be a middle of the road."  Yeah, those words ring in my ears like a gong.  Be an adult.  Be an adult.  And those words may have had nothing to do with me.  But it's hard to believe that when you know the subtle changes in his criteria, and you know that you are in some way a reference point. 

So I don't know exactly what to do.  The hellcat that totally dismayed Scott in the end is, in fact, the girl that is now typing this blog.  And honestly, I don't know if I'm really just afraid that I will scare country boy off apparently in the same way I did Scott.  And while I have no expectations from country boy and I know that I'm not exactly vulnerable (if anything, I'm totally guarded), I am concerned that I will manage to jack up my first exposure to a man that seems relatively "normal".  Geez, if nothing else, I need practice around men like that.  A test run. 

I guess I will just monitor the frequency of phone contact and do my thing.  Go about life as usual, answer questions as honestly as possible, maybe try to avoid anything that seems a bit too personal, both in asking and replying, and try not to think about it much.  And trust that if country boy doesn't like the answers he gets, well, I've been there before.  The wait-n-see approach.  I've never been good at that.



]]> 114310 2008-06-25 09:24:40 I never thought I would be posting about this again, and yet I have to.  I do not want to climb on a plane today with any of this rattling in my beehive.  I have come so far, learned so much, and I refuse to lose any ground recovered.  Not gonna happen.  I AM A MACHINE!!!!!

And to keep that from happening, I not only need to remind myself of the very important lessons learned, but I need to slap this out on paper for clarity.  I am a firm believer that once you have written your thoughts down, once they become a trail of paper instead of little darts pinging around in your head, you can take control of them.  They don't have to control YOU, how you feel, what actions you take.  But you have to be willing to face them down, and for me, that reckoning only comes through writing. 

I don't think I have to remind anyone who would be reading this about my skepticism concerning the online dating scene.  Not swearing it off by any means, but not my first choice, either.  I have had many discussions about this with Meri and my take is this:  it's really no different than meeting a stranger in real life.  There are some legitimately good, honest people on there, searching for "the one" and then there are assholes making a career of simply scanning pictures.  You might find the same thing at a bar, a singles' meetup, anywhere.  There will be people interested in meeting a kindred spirit, a good soul, and there will be people who couldn't possibly care less about what beats inside you as long as you have big boobs, hanging out all over the place, that obviously compensates for your lack of brain matter.  I think I mentioned before that I had this revelation about profiles:  most people will list off a thousand things they want a potential mate to DO, but very few say anything about what they want to see in the heart of that person. 

But anyhoo, so about a month ago, I guess, in a moment of stupidity, I paid for a month's subscription to Match.com.  Why? I dunno.  Maybe I just felt like pissing away $30.  I can't even log onto Match from my home PC.  Back when I was thinking life ended when Scott left, my mom and sister formed an intervention and placed parental controls on my PC, effectively blocking that site.  Why again?  Welll.........because Scott was on there, disguised under a myriad of screen names, all with the same profile info, and for whatever reason, I could not stop myself from signing on to see if he was there.  Lord, this is embarassing, but hey, confession is good for the soul; I also scanned the chicks on there to gauge the competition.  Yeah, I know, go ahead, point and call "stalker".  And oh, yes, friends and neighbors, it gets more twisted; after about the 5th call to my mom, crying because there was an attractive girl on Match.com that hadn't been active EXACTLY the same duration HE hadn't been active, meaning, of course, they were in love, my sister and mom decided that I needed to be stopped.  My sister set some content restrictions so I couldn't get back on Match, and subsequently, set something so secure that I also can't download an online menu from Texas Roadhouse.  And now she has forgotten the password.  It's hilarious now, my family staging an intervention to keep me from torturing myself, but God help me, at the time it was necessary. 

BUT, I do have my work laptop.  So, even though I wouldn't dream of signing on during work hours, or abusing company time with a stupid dating site, I did still have limited access.  And sometimes at night, when all my work was finished, I might just take a gander.  I never winked at anyone, and I never responded to emails.  Except one poor guy, who seemed genuinely nice; I responded to his email with the oh, so crazy response of:  "Look, I don't even know why I'm here.  I'm skeptical of online dating, had a terrible experience with it, and am not even remotely ready to date someone.  Tons and tons of baggage here.  Thanks for stopping by."  I then cancelled my membership.  See, Match.com will automatically bill your credit card at the end of your term, UNLESS you specifically call them to cancel.  But, since I paid for a month, I still have membership rights until this Friday.  Since my time is near, last night, I decided I would take one more look. 

Scott was back on there.  And has looked at my profile.  He knows it's me.  He's emotionally unavailable, not stupid.  He knew.

Here's the bad news:  everything he listed in a potential mate, everything he wants in a partner, I am and I have.  Oh, except he doesn't want someone that smokes daily.  And I don't know if this applies, but he's looking for "someone who can have fun, but still be an adult......there's got to be a middle ground in there somewhere."  Yeah, when I read that, I immediately found myself thinking, OMG, I wasn't "adult" enough.  He doesn't want a girl who randomly breaks out in song and/or dance.  He doesn't want a girl that gets pissy when she loses at Ms. PacMan.  He doesn't want a girl that wears tshirts that say, "I Make Stuff Up".  He doesn't want a girl who asks the waitress if she can bring a placemat and some crayons for her date because he likes to color while he waits on his entree.  He doesn't want a girl who wears a baseball cap turned backwards, her hair in braids.  He doesn't want a girl who named her dying houseplant Terri Schiavo.  He doesn't want a girl that thinks it's hilarious, in a department store, to say to him loudly, "Listen, you know what the judge said.  You aren't supposed to hit me anymore."  Other than that, everything he listed is everything I am.  Where is the logic in THAT? 

I will admit that it stung a little bit.  But here's the good news:  I felt no compulsion to email him, wink at him, or in any other way acknowledge that I'm there and I know he is, too.  I wasn't tempted in the least to look at the profile pages of other women to see how many of them fit his reasonable criteria.  I didn't scan the pics of women with that gnawing in the pit of my stomach when I saw a pretty girl that just might be the one for him.  I didn't.  I signed off, cleaned the oppossum poop and blood off of little Josie (yes, there was another murder in my yard last night) and went to bed.  And slept soundly.  And I will NOT sign back on.  My membership privileges are up on Friday, and I intend to let them go as of last night. 

Okay, I may not be the most mature woman out there.  I think alot of things are hilarious, and I intend to laugh as much as I possibly can.  I don't choose to live in some sterile environment where everything is about etiquette and propriety.  I want to live, meet people, laugh, have some fun, my way.  I am harmless in my humor, even if it does have a morbid quality to it, and I find that it puts most people at ease around me.  Except for the comically challenged or the God Hates Fags People.  They don't appreciate my humor, but then, what the hell do they know?  Not a damn thing, I say.  Most people respond well, I think, because isn't everyone a little afraid of looking stupid or saying something stupid?  Believe me when I tell you, I don't think anyone has that fear around me.  How could you possibly be intimidated by a girl wearing a tshirt that says, "Jesus Loves Me and My Tattoo"?  Does that not scream out, "Hey, relax......most things are funnier than they appear." 

To wrap things up, I guess I did get dinged a little by seeing him there.  Knowing that everything he says he wants is right here, but he didn't want it.  Not only didn't want it, but shoved it away  with both hands, running in the other direction at breakneck speed.  So, momentarily, of course, I read the "adult" statement and figured that was my tragic flaw. 

But that's okay.  No harm done.  I can't be any other way.  I can't and I don't want to.  My heart is big, soft, and full of compassion.  I'm spoiled and I know it.  But I work hard, I try to build people up, and I'm always trying to be a better me.  And I think my friends would attest to my undying loyalty and my ability to be deadly serious when I need to be.  So, is it really such a bad thing that I think it's hilarious when people make farting noises with their armpits?  That I laugh at finger puppets?  That I actually OWN some finger puppets?  Does that make me less of an adult? 

Really, it comes down to this:  he isn't looking for me.  He didn't want me then, he doesn't now, regardless of how his profile reads.  And, just for giggles, if he ever DID regret his decision, all it would've taken was a trip to my doorstep.  It would've taken the balls to face me, not email me, and be willing to take the chance that my family would get over what happened, too.  To quit being so worried about who did and didn't like him and be content with knowing I loved him.  He didn't, he doesn't,  he won't, and that's the end of that. 

I wonder what happened with him and Svetlana?
]]> 111048 2008-06-18 13:25:01 My trip this week was one disaster after another.  The travel gods were NOT smiling on ol' Jen this week.  I think I used up my quota of good luck last week. 

I left my house Sunday morning at 5:15AM.  Flight scheduled to leave for Chicago at 7:15, then would fly to Portland, arriving at 12:35 PST.  Then a 3 hour drive on to Bend, Oregon.  That was the plan.

But Chicago had a ground lock going on, so I was delayed by about 3-4 hours from the start.  Which meant I missed my connection to Portland.  Which meant my only option was to connect AGAIN in Dallas, and then get to Portland.  Now, here's what I don't get; if I couldn't get to Chicago because they weren't allowing arrivals OR departures, how in the hell did my flight to Portland get outta there on time?  Makes no sense.  Bankrupt assholes. 

Anyhoo, so surprise to me, we are also delayed leaving Dallas.  Just when I think things cannot possibly move any slower, a woman on my plane decides to have her heart attack when we are somewhere between Portland and Salt Lake City, but unfortunately just a bit closer to Salt Lake.  SOOOOO, the only choice was to turn around and make an emergency landing in Salt Lake.  Let me just say here that I am sorry she had an MI, I really am.......and I truly hope she is okay now, but at that time, I was sweaty, nasty, stinky, tired, and thinking it might be more convenient for everyone if she could finish her heart attack at her final destination (meaning Portland, not Heaven.....I wasn't wishing death on her).  But nooooo, we were grounded for hours and I was starting to wonder if we were going to wait until she got back from the cath lab before we took off again.  I know, I know.....it's terrible, it's selfish, but people, I was almost coming up on 24 hours and was feeling pretty rank. 

So, finally, we get to Portland, only delayed by about 12 hours.  I decide I am not driving another 3 hours, so I pick the closest hotel to stay in, which also happens to be the cheapest hotel and left me feeling less than secure.  I drove into Bend the next morning, did my training visit, and then headed back towards Portland in plenty of time to get to the airport, eat dinner, and catch my 8pm flight into LA. 

And it would've worked out fine if I hadn't blown a tire on my rental ride.  Or if Hertz hadn't left me stranded on the highway for several hours.  Or maybe if I'd had more than 1/4 of charge left on my cell phone, or even possibly if I could find my car charger.  By the time the service truck arrived to put on my spare tire that looked like a doughnut, there was no way to make it to Portland on time, even if I was brave enough to take that wobbly spare tire out on the 2-lane mountain roads through Mount Hood.  So, I stay overnight in Bend, Oregon.  Couldn't get a flight out the next morning in time to get to LA for my meeting, so I just decided the West Coast was not the place for me to be, and I booked travel for home.  I'm a firm believer in signs, and I felt like the Big Guy might be telling me to take my ass home to Kentucky where I belong.  So, here I am, trying to decide if I really want to work today, or if I want to hang it up and go lay in my mom's pool.  The latter, so far, is the choice of favor. 

Oh, well......part of the job, although I have to say in all the years I have been traveling, I have yet to have that many catastrophes in one trip.  My company has a National Meeting every year and an award is given for the Most Horrible Travel Experience and the Funniest Travel Experience, and I think I might be a shoo-in for the Most Horrible.  I wasn't at last year's meeting, but I was told there was a 2-way tie for Funniest Travel Experience.  The winner was submitted by a monitor who experienced a particularly turbulent flight and when they finally landed, the flight attendant announced over the PA:  "Please be careful when opening the overhead bins,  as items have sure as hell shifted after that near death experience."  2nd place went to the monitor who reported that HER flight attendant ended their trip with this:  "We know you have a choice of which bankrupt, overpriced,  and dishonest airline to use when you fly the friendly skies, and we thank you for choosing us.  We hope you can still afford and enjoy your destination, and we look forward to skeezing more money from you in your future travels."  Good stuff. 

So, I'm home, I'm still jet-lagged, and I'm ready to take Hertz down, brick by brick.  Just waiting on my manager to turn me loose.  ]]> 108276 2008-06-12 10:09:28 Okay, people.......it's that time.  It is time to stop blogging, blogging, ceaselessly blogging about love, loss, relationship how-to's, relationship don't-even-think-about-its, and blah, blah, blah, puke.  It occurs to me that I have so much more to say. 

I do feel compelled, however, to write about how Meri inspired me with her last blog to at least take a glance at the whole online option.  Not my favorite venue, by a long shot, and after my search last night, I think I might have better luck picking myself out a nice prison pen-pal.  Anyhoo, since I travel so much and work from home when I don't travel, work acquaintances and their potential set-ups are out for me; I hate the club scene, and rarely go, but when I do, it's with my friends, and I have beer to drink and pool to hustle.  So, that's not gonna work.  Most of my friends are married, so most of THEIR friends are married........this is not helpful.  So, my options are somewhat limited. 

And this is okay with me.  I mean, like Prelude says, it only takes one, and if I'm supposed to meet a particular person, we just may pull into the gas station at the same time.  Or go to the same grocery store.  Who knows?  These are the things I have to keep reminding myself of when I start getting pissy. 

But again, Meri inspired me to just take a look.  I ran a pretty detailed search; I am not interested in anyone who is currently separated or living with parents.  I am not interested in anyone who drink daily.  I am not interested in anyone who thinks it's okay to post a profile picture without wearing a shirt.  So, I set my criteria. 

Imagine my surprise when 21 pages of men came back within my area.  Really, I was stunned.  Until I started reading profiles. 

Let me just say here that if you are rading this blog, and you see your own profile in my writing......sorry.  Not trying to make fun of you, I'm really not, but for the love of God, would you please put a shirt on?  Could you please make some changes?  Or wait, maybe not.  Maybe your profile, just exactly the way it is written, is perfect.  You are who you are, and on second thought, it's good that you are being yourself.  Ignore me.

But for the rest of you, I'm going to share just a few things that stuck out in my mind, grabbed my attention, and made me laugh like a loon.  I think you'll like them.

1.  ".............looking for a good woman to raise my kids.  They are 14 and 15 and if you don't love my kids, you don't love me.  I need someone who can help them with their homework, love them, and make them feel like they are important.  I work nights. "

2.  " Hey there!  I love to party with sexy women!  I drink pretty much everyday, but I love animals.  Not looking for a one-night stand (but it would be nice), love to hang out with friends and family.  I love going to bars!"

3.  "Looking for a good Christian woman that wants to be active in church.  Currently separated, but would like to be married again as soon as possible."

4.  No direct quotes here; just the guy with 19 pictures posted, all of him in various shirtless poses. 

5.  Another one without direct quotes, but he was only interested in women with incomes above $150, 000.  He makes less than $25, 000. 

6.  One guy is looking for a girl with a big chest, but not "to big" (sic). 

Those are just the ones I can remember right off.  WTF???  Again, I guess it's a good thing that they are being honest and upfront about what they want, and by being honest, they are giving the rest of the world a pretty good glimpse into their personalities.  But come on............seriously? 

I think the online thing is kinda like shopping at a consignment shop.  You have to be persistent and really dig through the crap to find the good stuff.  And there may be weeks and weeks of shitty selection, followed by a veritable smorgasbord of awesomeness.  Either way, that was the best laugh I've had in quite a while.  ]]> 106157 2008-06-07 02:05:00 Hi everyone.  Just wanted to take a few of these insomniac moments and check in on my friends. 

First and foremost, many thanks to you all for the kind posts and prayers for my family.  They are appreciated more than you know. 

My sister is still incredibly ill.  It turned out the the bowel obstruction was complete, and she was having some kidney problems.  The problem is, her original problem was abdominal adhesions that form, sometime years after the fact, when you've had any type of invasive procedure.  The adhesions are actually mobile and thusly able to attach themselves to various organs.  My sister's are quite severe, and this time around, they had totally engulfed both her liver and her bowels.  This meant every time she used the bathroom, she's tugging her liver right along with the gastrointestinal motion.  Pretty painful stuff. 

But after the surgery, when she had to go back to the ER, is when they found the bowel obstruction.  It apparently is common for the bowel to kink itself off after that kinda surgical trauma.  I mean, they basically pulled out her stuff, wiped it down, and put it back.  Unfun.  But when the bowel became kinked up, everything that should've gone south instead went north and resulting in violent vomiting.  You can imagine how that felt for a woman who just had her abdomen reattached by 30 some-odd staples.  The danger comes in here:  if the bowel does not straighten itself out with IV fluids and just general post-op natural recovery, they have to go back in for more surgery.  But since she hasn't had time to heal from the last surgery, the chances of the adhesions coming back with a vengeance are pretty high.  Plus, with the bowel so compromised, the chances of it rupturing during surgery are also pretty high.  Should that happen, she could easily die before anything could be done.  So, it's a waiting game.  The last XRAY showed that the bowel was now straightened out, but since she's not moving gas, they aren't sure if the bowel is functional.  Basically, we are waiting for her to fart, and then, ironically, we can all take a deep breath again.  But she's tired, she's weak because she's had nothing but ice chips for going on 2 weeks now, and she's getting pretty discouraged. 

This is where I come in.  I like to screw around with her nurses and make raunchy suggestions on the dry-erase board above her bed that indicate what I think proper activity, quiet time, and the goal for the day should be. It also has areas for Diet, Exercise, and a few other things, but I don't mess with those.   Her day nurse is awesome and I love to play with her.  The night nurse sucks, so the dry erase board usually pertains to Shannon.  Today's goal for the day:  "Make Shannon cry".  For Quiet Time, I suggested: "Shannon, this means YOU.  Please don't speak, unless directly spoken to".  The cool day nurse even gave me my own marker so I could keep this updated.  Quiet Time for Shannon tomorrow night will be:  "Thoughtfully consider how you would feel if you were in severe pain and YOUR nurse showed up 45 minutes late with your pain shot.  How would this make YOU feel and why?"  My sister is certain that this agitates Shannon and that she might be paying the penalty, but it does make her laugh.  If I can make her laugh, provide her with even a few minutes of cackling, that's all I got.  And Shannon has been rude, even rolled her eyes at my mother, so I don't feel badly about picking on her. 

So, that's where things stand with my sister.  Still hanging in there, trying to keep faith.  My sister is amazing.  My mother is exhausted.  And while we all felt better about the latest XRays, no one wants to get their hopes up just yet.  I guess we'll see. 

And as far as the other goes, I have made definite headway with those issues.  I can't explain why blogging in a personal spot has made a difference, but it has.  I am slowly coming to terms with Scott.  Or, the lack of him, I should say.  I'm slowly coming to realize that the only person I can change is me.  I'm slowly seeing that I have choices at my fingertips about everything I think, say, or do, and that maybe not making a choice to take the reigns in that department is actually defaulting to the choice of being bitter and angry and miserable for a long, long life.  It comes down to changing a habitual thought pattern that took 35 years to perfect, so I can't expect results overnight.  But the first step is to change what I can, and just plug along on the rest.  To try and slow down enough to recognize my choices, as well as their consequences, and quit flying off the handle based solely on emotion.  It's complicated, and when I finish convincing myself of this enough to hold strong, I will probably blog about it here.  But I've got to change me, my reaction to things, how strongly I choose to let things affect my overall picture.  Take control of the things that are tantamount to my own happiness, independent of anyone else, and quit feeling like a stupid victim all the time.  Alotta soul searching. 

And no, before anyone asks, I have not been loading up on the self-help section at Barnes and Noble; I have simply been writing through, thinking through, and trying to do so based on what is instead of what I manage to romanticize, blow up, and compound in my beehive.  Small snippet of this:  does it matter why Scott was the way he was?  Nope.  Does it change it for me to stay angry, hurt, and bitter?  Not a bit.  Can I choose to stay angry, sad, and believe that everyone is like him?  Or would it be better to recognize that he has his own shit going on, and regardless of why it is there, it keeps him from being what I want and need in my own life?  Which choice helps me?  That's kinda where I'm at; trying to quit looking at HIS life, HIS feelings, HIS thoughts, and focus more on my own and what I want for myself.  Simply put, this has dragged out for 75 years because, in my mind, something I cannot replace was taken from me very unfairly.  It's not like I managed to screw up something grand, the perfect man for me; far from it.  It comes down to the fear that I will never feel again like he made me feel.  FEAR.  That's what's kept me hanging on to the impossible and unfavorable.  And irrational.  For a while, yeah, he was everything I wanted.  But when shit hit the fan, he was gone.  Pure and simple.  Doesn't matter what he was in the beginning; if he can't keep that up, he's not for me.  Again, my choices are to keep dwelling on the beginning instead of realizing how miserable the ending was, or see it for what it ultimately turned out to be and stop beating myself. 

Anyhoo, I still need to convince myself of these things in my own writing.  I know these things to be true, so it's not like I'm deluding myself, it's just that I've made a habit of clinging to the wrong things, and it will take some retraining for me to make the permanent changes I need to make. 

Just wanted, again, to thank you all.  You guys rock, my friends.  Maybe when I finish getting my head outta my ass, I will be a poster of more inspirational, empowered blogs instead of this angry, poor-me-I've-been-so-hurt bullshit.  And I will be checking in on you guys, seeing how you are.  I do miss reading about your lives, what's going on, and so forth. 

Big shout out to Meri, Prelude, Mamacita,  Easy, Angel, Colorado, Ellie, LastBlast, and TonyRay especially for being the posse who always has my back.  That list is not exhaustive by any means, but you guys really have rocked. 

See ya soon!  Much Love to you guys. ]]> 97187 2008-05-15 09:45:22 I really have to put it in high gear today.  Reports to do, calls to make.....I'm trying to work out a time management schedule so I can finish up by late tomorrow.  I'm meeting the Wamp for dinner tonight, and Shan tomorrow night.  Saturday night is dedicated to Margaritas with my friend who just got dumped, and Sunday, I guess I'll pack. 

Since I'm tired of blogging about men, and since I've been blogging here for what feels like centuries, I've decided to post some random facts, just for fun, that probably have never come up in other blogs.  Fun trivia about me that really means nothing to the universe at large, but I can't seem to start my day without blogging, so here it goes.

• My favorite color is black.  Really, my closet looks like I'm Amish or something.
• I love Richard Russo books. 
• I was once the Easter Bunny at the mall.  I was a junior in high school, and I was working for extra Spring Break cash.  A chubby kid sat on my lap and peed on me.  I did not take the position the following Easter.
• I have been put in jail twice, both times before I was 18, and neither time was I charged with any offense.  Minor disturbances, and honestly, I accept no responsibility for either one.  Just being a good citizen, even if I was drunk.
• I have literally seen every internal organ at least once, on the OUTSIDE of the body.  I have found that eyeball injuries really make me want to puke, but the rest of them didn't really bother me.
• As a toddler, I overdosed on Flinstone Vitamins.  No, not depressed, I just liked the grape ones alot and ate the bottle.  My mother beat me with a fly swatter.
• I look almost exactly like my father; same eyes, same grin, but I have my mom's personality. 
• I am terrified of snakes.  Phobic.
• I used to volunteer for the Humane Society.  I convinced my EMS director to donate IV fluids, and I would go to the refuges and start IVs on the dogs, monitor their fluids, on the pups that had Parvo.  Never lost one.  It was probably one of the more rewarding things I have ever done. 
• I am a sucker for Reader's Digest, especially "Points to Ponder", "Quotable Quotes", and "Laughter....the best Medicine."
• I was born 7 weeks early, but I have been late ever since then.
• During an ambulance call, I was shot at by an estranged husband who had just killed his wife, and was holding his father in law hostage in the woods.  I was not happy about this, especially since I was only making, like 14 bucks an hour to lie belly down under the ambulance, in the snow and cold, for several hours until the standoff was resolved. It was while I was under that ambulance that I decided I was definitely going back to college the next semester.
• I love haunted stuff, scary movies, and documentaries on haunted places. 
• I once skipped Sunday school with my cousin and got stuck in the church elevator with a harmless, disturbed man who thought he was John the Baptist, and dressed the part. 
• I hate yardwork.
• I always wanted to be a criminal profiler, and just so you know, long before the TV series ever was invented.  The first real book I read was Helter Skelter, and I have had a strange, sociological fascination with the Manson family since then.  I had a friend who was a police sargeant and he tried to get the police chief to let me review the case file for an unsolved local missing girl because he knew I read up on profiling and psychological traits of offenders.  The chief refused, and said I was not capable of offering anything to the police.  It is still unsolved.
• The same sargeant did, however, sneak me some information about a local murder that was a suspected hate crime.  In reviewing what little he could get to me, I called bullshit.  No hate crime, kids did it, ages probably between 18-23, they would have records with minor offenses but none violent, and at least one of them knew the dead kid very well.  Couldn't come up with the motive, but I told him I felt this was random and not at all premeditated.  Sit back, one of them will brag, I told him..........right on all counts.  This pleased me because it proved some of the psychological theories of which I am most passionate.
• I love biographies about almost anyone. 
• Last night, I had a dream about Jordan Catalano, and girls should know exactly who that is.
• Late addition:  I was once chased by a goat that I thought was a yard ornament.  Nope, he was real, and those things can flat book. 
• 2nd late addition:  I held the school record for being kicked off the school bus more times in one year than any other kid, ever. I don't know if I'm still the champion.  I do know that it was rotten luck for me to blow a spitball that went out the bus window, and into the open window of a car stopped next to the bus that just happened to belong to the Superintendent of County Schools.  My mother was SOOOO proud.  Other offenses include violating the open container rule, several times, with my Pop Tarts, making a girl who picked on me endlessly cry, and sling-shotting Skittles at the mean boys who made fun of me. 

]]> 95844 2008-05-12 07:46:42 I'll be home all week.  THAT, my friends, rarely happens, so I'm pretty stoked.  I have several site inspections, but they are all within an hour of my house, except today's, so I'll be home in the evenings.  And I'll be home tonight, too, it's just that this site is about a 4 hour drive from me.  Better get used to it; if I select them for the study