Thoughts.com Blogs - Some things I've been wondering.

View Blog

Some things I've been wondering.

I've had a lot of things to think of lately. Mostly about myself and my life. My sister found something that caught my interest today, and I've been thinking about it ever since then. It's this place called Job Corps. They are a school of sorts that helps you get the training you need for a career even if you don't have a highschool diploma. Actually, one of the requirements is that you don't have one. They give you a bi-weekly living allowance as well as a bi-weekly clothing allowance as well. They have dorms that you're able to live in, and if you live in a dorm in a different state than what you lived in to begin with, they give you the tickets to go home on during the holidays and summer vacation.

I'm considering trying to do an out of state class. There's a few reasons why I want to go out of state for the classes. I think it would be a good experiance for me; to get out there on my own and live away from my family. I've never lived more than 50 feet from my parents. And I do mean that literally. To get away from them and strike out on my own would be a good thing for me, I think. It'll teach me responsibility and give me a sense of being on my own with no one else to help me but myself. I know it'll be hard, but that's part of the reason why I think it'd be good for me. This way I don't have to depend on anyone but myself.

The schools have dorms that you can live in on campus, which you don't have to pay for. Granted, it's not completely without help, but it'd be a good thing to start out with. Especially considering the fact that you'll be there at least a year. Getting away from my family and out on my own somewhere... It'd allow me to explore myself without worrying about what anyone thought of me or worrying about what someone would say. It would give me a chance to really get to know who I am rather than who everyone wants me to be.

That's another thing I often wonder about... Most times, I just do what everyone in my family wants me to do. I make everyone else but myself happy. I act the way they think I should, say things they think I should say. I don't really think I am me. I'm just some shell that's been placed around me and programed to do certain things a certain way. The person my family knows.. Is it really me? The shy, submissive, go-do, girl that everyone knows.. How can that really be me, when alone or away from them, I'm up-front, honest to a fault, very blunt, and often times stubborn?

Am I really that fake? ...Yes.. I suppose I am. I can be spiteful, bitter, vindictive.. Everyone can, I suppose. Most times I only entertain the thoughts that go through my mind. I would never act on them, truth be told. But that's not the issue.. Why can't I just be who I want to be, and not what they think I should be? They wouldn't accept me if they knew the truth. If they knew how I really felt, they would just force me further into submission.

I don't know how many times I get called out of my room each day. Just the other day, my dad called me out of the room to take a sales paper, hand it to mom who was only ten feet away at the most, let her look at it, then take it back to him. Couldn't he have gotten up and done it himself? There's nothing wrong with him.. he's not handicapped or anything like that. He just didn't want to get up, so he called me to do it. I've been called from my room into the living room countless times just to fix one of my parents a drink that they could have gotten for themselves, to fix them food they could have made themselves..

That's why they know me as the "go-do" girl.. Because I'm the one they call to go do something for them that they could have done themselves. Often times, I feel like a slave to my family. My sister either sleeps or isn't home all day.. When she is home and not asleep, they rarely call her to do anything for them. Is it because she's younger? Or is it because she argues against them every time they want her to do something? Would it really hurt them to leave me alone for a change and do things for themselves? When I move out.. they'll be lost without me, because it honestly seems like they can't do a thing on their own.

I don't really know what to do. That seems to be a habit with me these days. Half the time; I don't even know what I'm doing. My mind reels with a million questions a day and yet at the same time, it stays blank. The only time I really get relief is when I talk to Dustin. Ah, yes. Who is Dustin? He's the only person I can turn to when things get rough. The only person who can cheer me up no matter how down I am. The man I truely feel I've fallen in love with; which was something I didn't think I could do.

Yet even with him, I sometimes grow paranoid. He's the only person I've ever met that really seems to understand and accept who I am.. and yet despite that, I still worry about things. Constantly, I grow nervous about myself when I'm talking to him. The first time I showed him a picture of me was nerve wracking. My mind was thinking; "What will he think of me?" "Will he be disappointed?" "What if he's disgusted by what he sees?" He reassured me on it.. but I've never had high self esteem, and the things that have happened to me in my past haven't helped to build it up any.

Constantly, I worry.

Will I mess things up?
Will he get angry at me for this?
What if I tell him this?
What does he think of me?
Why does he even have any interest in me?
Am I really good enough for him?
Does my paranoia annoy him?
How long will he be able to put up with me?

There are so many questions that go through my head sometimes.. and there are times when I want to ask him those same questions.. but I can't seem to get the nerve to. I know he isn't the type of guy to just crush me and not care. If anything, he's the one person I can talk to about anything that comes into my mind.

Naturally, I've talked to him about a few of the questions about myself I have. Yet there are still a few that I've yet to ask. Like.. Why does he like me? What did I do that was so special it got his attention? And what does he think of me? Not just my looks, but about everything. He's got to have an opinion on me as a whole. Everyone does. And my paranoia.. Does my worrying annoy or anger him? Does he get tired of it? He's had so much put on him already, it wouldn't surprise me any if he did.

And then there's my biggest worry... Hurting him somehow. I watch myself constantly around him, because I'm so afraid that I'll say something wrong and hurt him somehow or make him angry. I try so hard to avoid that.. because I don't want to be another person in his life who's done nothing but hurt him constantly.

Yet even with those fears.. I still turn into a vindictive bitch at times. I don't yell at him; or at least I haven't... But still.. I know there are things I say that have to get on his nerves. Like when he talks about Rae. I listen, and I hear every word. But I can't help but feel jealous about her sometimes. Mostly, it's just resentment. I know it's childish, but I can't help it. It just seems like she's constantly clinging to him even though they're no longer together and she knows we are. Is it wrong of me? Does feeling resentment toward her because of her clinging to him make me that horrible a person?

Personally, the girl needs some major help. But then again.. Sometimes I wonder if I need some as well. It's just... Difficult for me. For years now, I haven't really felt a connection with someone this deep. Until him, I didn't even think I could love anyone. Now that I have him in my life.. now that I have him to finally fill a void that I've been harboring for so long.. I've been happy for once in a long time. But I still can't help but feel resentment sometimes for having to share him, especially on the days when all I want to do is talk to him and be with him in some way all to our own. But I can't, and won't ask him to stay away from her.

That would just be wrong on my part, and I won't be seen as the selfish bitch who forced her boyfriend to stop talking to his friends. But it's strange. I'm only like that with Rae. Cas.. Other than the fact she's a bit too peppy for my tastes.. I don't really have a problem with her. I actually talked to her once and found her kinda fun to be honest. But with Rae.. I don't know.

I just want to talk to her once. Just once; that's all I want. She knows I don't like her. Apparently, it "really upsets her that I don't like her". Psht. Stupid bitch. Not everyone is going to like you, which apparently she thinks they do. -_-. I mean seriously.. Can't she get her head out of his ass long enough to let him breathe? She doesn't even seem to care what she does. It's all about her. Granted, she has problems most don't, but still. Gha! She just needs to leave him alone and let him be happy for a change! Is she really that intent to make him as miserable as she is?

....I'm gonna stop now, before I get too angry. At any rate...

Those are some of my thoughts the last couple of days.

Posted by BlueDove on 2008-05-21 06:05:24 | Rating:

| Views: 91

Email This to a Friend

Bookmark:

Permalink:

Blog Comments


		Woah, that job thing seems cool. If I wasn't so set on going to college after graduating, I would totally do that. Haha.
Posted by kaylajeskey on 2008-05-21 16:01:24


		Wow, I can totally relate to most of what you say in this passage. I think I am fake also, like I have a over controlled personality, like I have to act the way people want me to act because I would get uncomfortable acting myself or I can get told off or something, idk. But I have paranoia also. I am very quiet and I am also a people pleaser, I hate that.
Posted by Plakola on 2008-05-24 21:06:14