Every thing that we encounter in our lives is a stepping stone to an ending. Every victory, triumph, failure and lost leads us to the things that we are suppose to find. I have always known that my insight was great, and that I could envelope the feelings of others. Some would say to me, that is what you want to see. I am learning that the only person or entity that I trust is God and me. He shows me the light. He leads me through the dark woods till the sun rises again. He teaches me lessons through my experience. I have seen many eras of darkness, through my own eyes and through the eyes of others. I sometimes border on being bi polar the way my emotions and outlook changes. Yet each time I experience this manic behavior I teach myself the gift of self control. All the bad in my past relationships have taught me how to choose new ones. My life is not up to me, my life is up to God. Who I love, whom I speak to, who I lose and when, all of it. It is time for a change. I was allowed a week of life to change my outlook to explore the new terrains of my life. I am thankful for my heartache. I am thankful that I am growing and although the last week I have dreaded the month of May as I age another year, I have come to realize my greatest blessing. Each day that I make it through is another day to change and become who I want to become.
I wrote everyday this week, full time as if it was my job and I was happy. I smiled and I continue to smile. I shared a small bed, and learned new things of an old lover, but I smile today because I found a foundation that is being built on knowledge, change, and true companionship. It is beginning in total honesty. Sometimes things happen at a speed in which we are not prepared. Sometimes life happens when you least expect it. I have spoken so ill of my Infamous Ex...Yet she fed me, washed my back, held me, and told me so much truth that at times it hurt, but at others it filled me with great joy. I have always known she and I would grow together, that our relationship would change. When I said goodbye, I left with a heavy heart, sad to leave her side. Yet I left also reassured of what God has been telling me all along. It is an ending of an era. It is the ending of a time that I will let life lead me, I will be true to my sign, to my characteristics and I will take my life into my own hands. I left behind cigarettes. I really tested myself and that day is over. It feels good to breathe again. Today I am going to write down my goals. I am going to write down my deepest desires, and I am going to frame them. I am going to formulate a plan to reach my goals. I found A'Nya these last several days. I found the woman who is talented, funny, and confident. I found the woman who is no longer bittersweet, but the women who is loudly written.
I met a woman online, and we forged a friendship and flirted back and forth. She gave me an open hand, and in some ways I fell in love with her because she allowed me to break free from a heartbreak that was holding me hostage.
A good friend Nubian, whom reads my words each day and nurtures me in a way that even she could not possible know. You told me that you should tell me that I had to remove myself and believe in God. At that time you were my angel. I know my angels because that is apart of my gift. I thank you for that because my door is opening. Without every seeing my face, or hearing my voice and vice versa you have helped me. I heard your words.
So an ending of this era of my life has begun. The cigarettes, the self pity, the longing for artificial highs; it is gone. It is my time. Slowly but surely I am finding my way. Some would say I am starting late, but I know that I am right on-time.
Many would not believe that lovers, could really overcome the battles of life, but they can. Many would not believe that people can truly change, but they can. I have a hard long road of self sacrifice and hard work ahead of me. It will take motivation and faith. But I know now that I have that. I have always seen the outcome but was not ready to begin down the road. Today I can say that I am ready
Loudly Written Again Emerges: the Dawn of a new day
