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| Lost and Wanting to BE FOUND
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Being inside yourself and not really knowing what to do is a scary thing. Its time I just put it all on the line here and just expose myself. I am so lost... I have completely lost my way. So much has changed in the last years, and so much has changed just since last night. For many years I fancied myself a writer, friends and some strangers have said I was pretty good at the whole thing. I wanted to be a novelist to write books, for my community that started there and branched out to others. Four years ago I met this woman, I can say she is fantastic, but like all people she has some big flaws. However, when she step through the doors of my world, she changed me. Even changed my writing style, she believed in me and everyday told me that. I romanced her with words, I did. I wrote he love poems. During this time things became clear to me, but that clarity has lost me. For the first time in my short life, I am scared shitless. I wish I could use a kinder word, but I can't. I JUST CAN'T. I thought that if I was with the person I loved most in the world it would all just be figured out, but that doesn't work. LIVING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, does not work.
SO I am lost and I want to find my way. I wake up in tears, I fall asleep in tears and I live my day in tears. I feel like the least productive person in the world right now. Yeah who doesn't hate to work, but not having anything and been stuck inside of this misery is starting to kill me from the inside out.
I sit up in my bed and I just cry. This lover who has demoted me and banned me from a city is apart of this sadness.
I fuck up everything, I mean everything. When I am hurt, or betrayed I find myself in these predicaments that I am not proud of. I feel like I have no control over myself anymore.
I am a gemini and many say that means that your two faced, but it means that there are two disctinct options to her personality. At moments I am full of hope and optimism, but most days I am losing myself to the negative twin. I can't find my center. I am praying but I don't think my soul is into it because my heart still swells in pain.
I started an outline for a book that I want to write...it's the only thing that seems to hold my mind more than a few minutes, but when I look at it. I feel like it is nothing. WHo will buy it? Who will like it?
My muse, this woman who has beat my heart from my body, causes me to create these stories and I can't committ to them because she never could committ to me.
I am tired of chasing waterfalls and seeing the beauty in the moment.
I am 26 and I live with my mother. I had my own shit.. I had my own car, apartment,life, friends. IN the last three years I have lost all of that. Its no one's fault but my own. I lived the life of addict and I never was. Stupidly I did it because I wanted to be with someone. We stopped, and her life is picking right back up. When she wants or needs me she calls? But when I need a shoulder I am rebuffed. She will say that, that statement is untrue. Yet it is. When it was my job that supported us, yeah I thought to myself how am I going to do this? But I never pushed her out of my life.. She says I did, says I don't know what I want. But that is another blog in itself.
I love her, its the only thing I am sure about these days. Yet that part of my life must be over. It has to be in some ways. I feel like standing alone is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I fell in love and I thought that I would not have to do this again and now I am so freaking scared and lost.
I just want to be found. I want to find myself again, and I don't even know where to start. I don't want to go backwards, but I can not go forward in the place I thought I could. I am looking for jobs and what at one point in my life was very easy is the hardest thing.
Most of it seems friviolous, and I am scared that it all is. When your the dramatic friend, the one who is sensative..you become the outcast. Labeled EMO. But I just don't know how to change that about myself..yet it has cost me people. See I have been here before, but I had a best friend, I had an apartment if nothing else. My own space.
I Can't stay here hiding out forever. I CAN NOT. TO hear someone who knows your issue say.. yeah you got issues. For you to love them, and thats all they say to you... IT sucks.. Especially when you wipe their tears, and listen to their problems.
It really sucks right now to be me. I am thank ful for another day and I thank GOD For my health everyday. I hate the fact that these problems are so minimal yet they feel so large inside of me and my heart. I am running.. and I want to keep running. I hate hearing DO ME.. CUZ I don't know what that is. I just want an apartment, a decent car, a job, a few friends and the person I am in love with. But I am scared.. because I had all of that and I lost it all. Not because of anyone else. But because of me.
I am not going to Blame anyone else. My insecurity, and scarred heart cost me the love of my life.
Find myself searching the pages of my space to look at her and I realize I am a fool. I need to change it all... Change what I believe and how I look. I need to re invent myself. But where and how do I start.
That girl who wanted to be a writer, she has died. The girl who wished for a husband is dead. The woman who believed that she would be friends with her girls forever has died.
However, a new woman has not emerged. Instead a shell of myself has formed. I smoke cigarettes, and I hate cigarettes. I scream when I want to smile. I sleep when I want to live.
How does one relationship, one period in your life..change all that you are.
Where did I go? And How do I find me again?
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Posted by BitterSweetNy on 2008-01-04 13:49:42 | Rating: | Views: 52
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I can definately relate to you in feeling that you've hit your absolute lowest point and I also am trying to re-invent myself after giving everything I had to a man and my children. I put my life on hold and now I have lost all my will I don't know where to begin to get myself back into the world. I had my last child 6 year's ago and I am petrified about finding out about me again. Like who am I , What do I need, What is best for me.But I have to tell myself it can't get any worse as far as how I feel, it can only get better because now I am finally ready to do what's right for ME!!!!! Hope this helps
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Posted by Reba7488
on 2008-01-04 14:33:32
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Miss Reba.. thank you so much. today has been a day full of nothing but tears. It did help, I feel so foolish that at 26.. I have lost my way so much. I feel so judged.. by the world and by the voice inside my own head. Children and family.. that life I know was fulfilling and hard and confusing. I guess some days are just going to be harder than others. I want to believe in the good of life again... and if you can tell me that after children and marriage... your scared too, then I know that its okay for me to be scared. But even though I don't know your name, or where you come from. I will pray that your journey to finding who you are again is successful. I will always remember these words... because no one else seemed to be able to give me any and for that I am so thankful. So thank you for taking the time to read about my crazy life, for taKING the time to give me something that I can reach for when it feels like I am all alone in my feelings. Sometimes it takes a stranger, to help you get on the horse again.
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Posted by BitterSweetNy
on 2008-01-04 14:46:35
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