All day I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I did my job search, made important phone calls. Even looked for places to live. I should be proud of myself...but what is that to be proud of.  But with the downer posted on my lips... it is something to be proud of . I wish I was at mid life having a crisis...but I think God is teaching me a lesson. Do not take for granted all the things that he gives you or me for better words. I mean every thought is followed by tears. So many tears I can't even remember what triggered the emotion anymore. My night mares haunted me all day when I realized that I knew what it meant. I am not where I am suppose to be... not in life.. as far as school and work. Not physically... meaning I live in Lancaster but I want to be somewhere else in another city. I guess in a way I just want to start over. And its starting to really bother me.  I mean normally I am able to find a job so quickly... and I guess because I always was able to... I got a little to comfortable or something.. because now its so hard. Some say because I am older.. but dang I am only twenty six. Yet everyday someone is telling me how much time I don't have left. I feel like I am six months from my 50 birthday instead of my 27th birthday. My girlfriend or my heart... I don't know...I am feeling that pull to be older.. to settle down, but then again.. What am I settling into...I just don't know... Or maybe I am just sad. I am ranting and ranting. But I am trying to work through this gray patch. I wish things were clear but they are not!!!!