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* this would be the reason why I need a lap top..but here it goes.
Dawson's Creek for me was the turning of a page in my book of life. It was my very first favorite tv show. The sentimental angst, big words and emotional drama. It was the very first piece of something that I loved all on my own. With Dawson's Creek I was a pioneer I was brave and had a mind of my own. I don't know how many people have had a television show about people who don't exist make a difference in their life. Now I finally understand, when the show finaled the series I sat in my first apartment and I cried as the characters said the emotional goodbyes, surprisingly enough they killed off Jen, by some horrible disease and left a young baby girl. I didn't cry because the show was go ing off the air but because it was the end of my innocence as well. I no longer could cut my phone off on Wednesday nights to escape. It was bittersweet just like me. It was a rose that show, and although after the first season it seemed to lose it's zest I was loyal. A loyal fan. Now several years later the stars are missing in action with the exception of the best written character ever Joey aka Katie Holmes. Now I know this seems so immature and very stupid at best; yet it means so much to me. As I sit and watch reruns to at least act like my endless tears are okay I have come to the realization that I enjoy feeling anything. Yet most days I am a crying mess. I am lost at this point in my life nothing seems to make any sense anymore. Yet I watch an old episode of Dawson's Creek and I feel at home. I feel like every emotion that I am experiencing at that moment is normal. Yes that show makes me feel normal and I feel good to say that because in this crazy world where you can't rely on people, they have issued the status of seasons on DVD and no matter what... I can pull out a glass of wine and remember the bravery in watching the one show everyone deemed...a mess. Well in my center of African American friends it was. Meeting my first true CREEK fan was like dorm daze for me. It was everything I was. Its everything I am. Sentimental, dramatic and full of not used enough vocabulary. I understood there words and when that first episode aired for me it changed my life. It seperated me from my friends and made me feel like I had a mind of my own. My entire life I have loved and people have stepped on me. The girlfriend that I feel in love with, my very best friend in this whole world, my family. They have all stepped on me. I do need love and I need someone who understands my crazy but if I don't find it... I don't end up with the soulmate that I once believed in, unlike Dawson's Creek my life will go on. We meet people and they leave, we love and we lose. Yet,we are still with ourselves until that last moment of life. That last breath. Its not so much that people forget that the emotional aspect of who we are drives us...even when we don't want it to. You go back to the guy that everyone said was wrong for you because in his arms you feel unbelieveable. We stand by for those we think deserve it and we leave those we feel don't. Well thats my mantra for life. At the end of the day... I wish I had a cast of friends on my side, a L word den. Maybe I am a tv junkie or maybe I look at tv like a reflection of this life. I like the edgy stuff. I like the things that make you walk out the theatre and you just feel emotionally connected. Kevin Williamson didn't know that he would create something that spoke to me on so many levels and as I have grown into a somewhat pityful adult, I know that because of dream makers, and dream achievers that I to will make it. Maybe I do need a dose of the Joey loves Dawson but is Dawson ready for love angst, but when its all said and done it helped me to survive. I am getting closer... I feel it. Its about being the person I say I am. About not going back to a person who would destroy my soul to rectify theres and if I am the person who would sacrifice me for them...does that make me a bad person or a martyr.
I know its alot of questions to be answered and because tomorrow is not promised to me I will try to answer as many today as I can, and I die tomorrow I know I tried my best.
Its just like the ending of that show, Dawson didn't get the girl and Pacey did. For years I was so upset because I was a true fan... I saw that thing between them. Good acting and extremely good writing. It wasn't because Dawson's Creek was my favorite show because they kept you hanging or the drama soared through the roof. It was my favorite show because whoever wrote that episode experienced life. Isn't that what its all about. You watch a show because you want to laugh or cry. You want to feel something.
I remember in the very critically aclaimmed movie Crash, it ended with the narrator saying that the reason he believed that people got into accidents is so they could feel something.
And most times, when you feel to much you just want to numb it. Make it your senses dull so that you don't feel. Even though many would call me a drama Queen something that after the years I have accepted and taken into myself and just understood! they are not calling me that when my phone rings and they are asking me to listen. Its hard when you are always the person who listens to everything.. and no one listens to you. But I have my hour and due to the very good invention of the TIVO or DVR.. I can watch without commericals until I have the means to buy my own seasons on DVD.
Thank you WB for giving me three years of myself or four I do believe... It gave me an opening to myself that at times when I can't seem to get anything right I can go back to and feel something. I can cry and not feel bad.
Maybe I will end up alone, or maybe I will meet the woman of my dreams.... or maybe the woman of my dreams is already here waiting for me to realize my worth. I don't know!!!!
Or maybe I do know which is the scariest part of all. Seems like I can't do the work if I know the outcome...yet its the journey that counts anyway.
So for me it was Dawson's Creek... for you it might be a very important book, or piece of art. Or maybe its your children that remind you of who you are and what your purpose is.. Whatever it is for you... be brave and enjoy it fully...its to many bad parts of life. I should know... so even if you don't know me... take my advice. DUE Whatever it is that makes you feel..... BEcause when we don't feel even the bad stuff, we miss out on all that good stuff.
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Posted by BitterSweetNy on 2007-12-18 17:34:56 | Rating: | Views: 58
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I know sometimes these blogs don't make sense..but I am writing my way to the inner most portion of myself.
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Posted by BitterSweetNy
on 2007-12-18 17:35:56
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OMG, I looooove Dawson's Creek, I sit on my couch with my kids, 4 and 1, and sing the theme song, they dance, I cry, they ask what's wrong, I explain that joey and pacy broke up, my 4 year old looks at me like I am a nut, hubby calls and picks on me...I feel ya chick!
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Posted by Rajah1116
on 2007-12-18 19:32:49
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