I've been infected.  There is a virus running through my mind, my emotions, my body...just taking it's toll on everything in me.  It's sapping my strength, causing me untold hours of doubt and despair.  It has pervaded my hopeful spirit - eating away at my determination to rise above foolish and fretful circumstances.

I find myself growing more distant, succumbing to the pull of being by myself more and more.  My vision is blurred and I'm treading very deep waters, trying to stay afloat and not just give in to the pull of sadness, of madness, of weariness.

Each laugh, every smile is an effort, a herculean effort to just stay present, to reach out and grab some humor, some joy, some LIFE.  I'm living routinely - wake up, get the kids ready, go to work, try to focus, try to be present, (2-3 days go to church) come home, clean, feed the family, listen to the husband, put everyone to bed, think, think, think, read, vegetate and think, fall asleep briefly.  THEN wake up, get the kids ready, and on and on every day. 

I'm wrestling with God about all the 'emptiness and passionless existence' that is sickening my soul. 

So much is crowding my mind too, overwhelmingly serious stuff -friend just buried her 22 year old son/my son is 25 it causes me to worry, ministry going through some tough changes indicative of the shaking of our faith, money woes and heat strokes and then there is the senseless stuff - Lakers down 0-2 in finals, the fitful decision of air conditioning vs rolled down windows, the ever increasingly stressful decision of 'what to cook for dinner?' and what nonsense to watch on television?

UUGHHH I just want to break out, run, scream, fight this apathy.  I have to take it back - the life in me.  I have to change the perspective I'm carrying that everything is a job - a thankless, tiresome, dead-end JOB.  I am determined to take one step at a time...one moment at a time...do one thing that somehow lets me breathe and causes me to look forward to the next breath.

Today it's to record my thoughts in THOUGHTS.  It's a little victory...a little 'attagirl' for me because I followed through.  It's small...minute even to some...but to me, it's VICTORY, and these days i'm taking it where I can get it.

Zechariah 4:10
Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.