Why do we always never know what to say when it matters the most. In some of the most important points in life when we are asked to say something, we don't know what to say. Lately i've been finding myself speechless. I just have so many things i want to say that i just freeze and end up saying nothing. There is so many things i'm angry about, so many things that i feel sad about, but i don't know what to say. I'm not scared to say them i just cant say them for some reason. Something just jumps into my throat and stops me from saying them. This is the only way i can get them out. For one i'm depressed. I'm so scared of what i'm going to do in life that i cant help but feel sad. My life isn't the greatest. i recently got kicked out of my house and now i'm living here in austin. I drink when i feel like i have no other way of escaping. I've done a shit load of coke and i dont know why. all it does it make me feel good inside just for a certain amount of time. Though, when i lay down and think about i just end up hating myself. I go back to the moment i bought it and wonder, "why did i do that" For something that can just numb my sadness for a night. Then the next day those thoughts just disappear and i then do it again. Sometimes i think i'm addicted but i keep telling myself i can stop. When i'm with my friends on a thur, fri, or sat night i just want to go out a buy some. Something is wrong with me. I want to fix it but i just don't. I always imagine this beautiful world where i make everything work and i'm happy. Thats just it though, i make it up. its not reality and the reality is that i'm not taking my life serious. I've wanted to be a art major and think that i will be good at it, get a job that pays me to do what i like to do. Though i just can't draw anymore. The inspiration that was there in the beginning of college just isn't there anymore. I now just don't know what i want to do and it sucks. Its that feeling when your stuck between two choices and you choose the wrong one. I've been making too many wrong choices and i dont know why. I know i need help with my life. I'm a drug user, compulsive liar, and just straight up not a good person. Everyday i make up a lie or a story. I wish my life was this dream world that just will never happen. And i don't know why i do it. Every single time i lie to someone or tell someone a "true" story from my life and afterwards i feel like a loser for telling them that. The worse part about it is that i sometimes get caught up in my stories to the point where i start to believe them myself, and start acting like that person. I don't know why i do it. Am i ashamed of myself? I think its that i am embarrassed that my life isn't interesting. I cant just be myself. And the real me is not a bad person. I'm from a small town of 50,000 people. Most people don't think thats small but most of it is country with cows, and farms. I didn't make the best grades in school. I played soccer and i was really good at it. I probably could of gone somewhere and played in college. But i thought it would be better if i focused on school and got a degree instead of playing a sport majoring in something thats easy so if i didn't go pro i could fall back on that degree. The truth is i havent finished i single semester of school. Both times i've gotten so caught up with my social life and making up these ridiculous stories that i just totally gave up school. The point is i'm a loser. Class A fucking loser. I want to go to school and get a degree and move on with my life. Though i just cant get past the very beginning. I sometimes just want to move somewhere where no one knows me and i cant start my life over and be a good person. But it then just feels like i'm running away. The fact is we are the only ones we are running from. I think i'm scared to realize what i've become. I'm scared that i'm going to be just that ordinary guy no one thinks is different. I try so hard sometimes to be different. I always want to be the guy that stands out of the crowd that draws everyone in. I want to be liked by everyone around me, but i see that its destroying me. I focus all my effort to have people like me and want to be with me that i'm losing myself. I'm starting to forget who i really am....I need to find a way to get that back There is only one good thing in my life. Her name is christa and i love her to death. She loves me for the real person i am. But i feel like such a shitty person that i lie to her to. She is such a good person with so many aspirations that i just dont want to hurt her. And with every lie i tell her i'm hurting her. I don't deserve her at all. And i can honestly say that she deserves better. But she can see the good in me and tries to bring it out. I just want her to be happy and feel loved. But how can i do that when she doesn't trust me for all the lies i've told her, all the things i've done to hurt her, and when sometimes she doesn't know which me it is.....I want her to be with the real me, the one that she loves and cares about not the people in the stories i tell, not the me that lies to everyone, she wants the real me....and i also want the real me back....