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| Ugh. Dating. Again. |
I'm 34 years old. I've been married since I was 19. My first husband died, and I married the man I'm married to now about 2 years later. Before that, I had one "serious" boyfriend, whom I dumped.
I'm now going through a divorce. I've had one really bad, bad "dating" experience since my husband and I split up. I didn't realize how bad it was until he contacted me today to ask me to help his new girlfriend with her English. And because I didn't want him to know how hurt that made me (stupid pride), I agreed. Then I spent an hour in tears. What a moron I can be.
Someone shoot me.
I don't have a lot of experience with dating. I went to a convent boarding school most of my life. That boyfriend I dumped was someone I met during my first year of college. Then I met the man I ended up marrying. I went out a little between first and second husbands, but not much. I'm kind of what's known as a dating n00b. haha
I've been reading blogs on this site about men, dating, women, dating, relationships, broken hearts, bad and good experiences. I'm now officially terrified.
My husband, I think, spoiled me for other men. He was the most romantic, attentive, handsome, intelligent and wordly man I've ever met. (He's also 21 years older than me.) This isn't an exaggeration: he NEVER even looked at another woman when we were together. One woman was staring at him so hard one night, she walked off a boat dock and right into the harbor.
He didn't even notice her staring at him so intently. He never noticed when women looked at him. (I did, but he didn't.)
And I never looked at another man - Johnny Depp excepted - until we split up. And now I find myself looking and thinking, "Oh, yuck, may God be kind."
But I know I have to date again. I'm not THAT old. I don't want to not have a relationship. I have three children - a 12 year old and 4 year old twins - and I'd like them to see a happy, loving home.
I kissed a boy the other night. He's a bartender who works at a little cafe down the street from where I live currently. He's cute and all that, so I can understand the attraction, but I kissed him openly. In public. And it wasn't just a little kiss. Teeth were involved. That's not like me. I'm a little less dramatic usually.
So I know I can do this dating thing, but when I think about the entire process, I want to gag. Is it really that hard? Have I become jaded? Or too emotionally sedentary? This last experience (the guy who asked me to help his girlfriend) kind of did a number on my head. I really liked him a lot. I don't know why other than he made me laugh all the time. Then this crap happened, and I'm worried that if I'm that vulnerable now, how am I going to be later?
Is there hope for a 34 year old mother of three who was married to a real knight in shining armor once? I had two of the best husbands in the world, and now I'm scared I'm going to strike out and marry some numpty who'll rake my heart over the coals. I know: it's a chance we all take, but with my lack of experience, it's terrifying at this stage of my life.
And if by some crazy quirk of fate my husband reads this - which I doubt because he hates blogs plus Bavieca isn't really my name har har - I just want to say that whilst I understand this is the best thing for everyone, it doesn't mean that I don't love you and si, I know you still love me. And I'll never talk bad about you other than to say you're a freak of nature for being YOUR age and looking MY age. You're like a Spanish Dorian Gray or something.
Thanks for "listening". Any advice appreciated. 
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Posted by BaviecasDead on 2009-08-31 18:02:42 | Rating: | Views: 38
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