I sat in front of a blank screen three days after my birthday. It was so much built up I was not sure how to put it in words. For most of my life I have lived in denial. I thought if I did not write it down it would not be real. I spent my 21st birthday alone. I had the outfit I was going to wear hanging up that I spent all day picking out during the Christmas rush. The shoes were the perfect shoes to wear on a date and the dress was sexy yet classy. I went to three bed bath & body works because the sensual aromatherapy massage oil I wanted was sold out at the first two stores. I even picked out the cutest pajamas to put on after we had sex. My hair and nails were done. I was ready to have my birthday wish fulfilled. I pictured his warm hands caressing my back and his hot wet mouth nibbling on my nipple gently. After no phone call from him all day, I decided to take affirmative action and give him a call myself. Once he picked up, I could tell by the tone in his voice that my night was not going to be as planned. I asked him was he taking me out to dinner as he had promised. He yelled at me and said I was selfish and I act as if I did not do my birthday wish on my birthday I would die. I asked him when he would be ready he said: “Eventually.” I assumed by eventually that he must not be ready for the intimacy of my birthday wish. Perhaps he meant eventually he would be ready to look me in the eyes while we are having sex, kiss me, caress my back and take me out to dinner all in one night. He told me to just wait. I sadly said: “Ok. I’ll wait.” I hung up the phone. I decided to just go home and go to sleep. My mother came home and offered to take me to my favorite pizza joint. After we got back I was still feeling pretty down. Ironically my friends were out having themselves and evening out with their men. I decided to take a bath and go to The Improv to have some laughs to keep from crying. In the midst of washing I heard my phone ringing his distinctive ringtone. I was joyful to hear from him. I even giggled a little when I picked up the phone. He seemed apologetic and a bit guilty about our conversation earlier. He further explained to me but not in detail that he was going through some things and he was not in the state of mind to be as I romantically wanted him to be. He said he promised he would fulfill my birthday wish in full. He said he would call me when it is all set up. I did indeed feel a little better, but as it sat in day after, I realized that I was alone for my 21st birthday. I realized our relationship of eight months had been a series of build ups and breakdowns. As soon as he builds me up to believe he thinks of me as more than a fuck, he breaks me down letting me know that’s all I am. I understand there is no possibility of us so I don’t and will never put pressure on something that cannot be. I don’t like to use the word love because love is unconditional and if certain conditions would change maybe I would not feel the same way. I am just going to say I feel him. He is my vacation getaway from my $5000.00 in past due bills, the father of my two year old that offers no support and family members who look for me to lend them a helping hand. I hate myself for feeling him when he does not feel the same way about me and even if he did he is married. It’s hard to walk away when you feel someone. I am not waiting for my birthday phone call because it may be weeks or never from now; but I will save my perfect outfit and the massage oil incase.