Ever wonder or dream about what it could be like or could have been with someone? I used to do this a lot until recently. I used to think how great it could be. Or how strong the chemistry was. Or if this happened, or that happened.. and it'd always be something small that flipped the whole situation to perfect. Pretty unrealistic, huh?

Well I've come to a point in my life where I've realized.. it's time to stop with the old and stop waiting for the new. I'm talking about ex's.. almost boyfriends.. and future boyfriends or the "one".  I recently got back together with my first love for about two weeks and then he left me for his last love.


My first love left me for his last love on the day that I was going to call it quits with him. He beat me to it, and it left me shattered and broken. I guess what really bothered me is that he's happy with someone else and they can do whatever they please and live their 'merry' life. But I know God's word tells me not to be jealous of sinners. I don't mean to call them sinners, not casting any stones, but what I mean is that I couldn't help but think about the fact that they are in love and have sex and practically live together.. and here me, I don't have sex, I didn't get to live with him and I wasn't in love with him again. I guess it's all just a sad feeling that I didn't have that. It's also odd to know what she's getting because I had it first. And it's very hard to get a call from him sobbing over her and apologizing that he can't talk to me. I tried to say 'wait wait.. now if you need a friend you know I'm here'.. bc we've always been able to maintain that.. but he insisted on changing his number, absolutely no contact - bc he loved her so much he couldnt jeopordize it.

The funny thing about all of this is that I didn't even want to get into a relationship with him. It was the nice thought of it that made me smile. But the truth is, he hasn't changed. Not enough. He's still racist, prejudice, impatient, selfish and a terrible liar. But the fact that he was those things and then rejected me for the person he fell in love with after me... hurt. So how does a person get hurt over something they didn't even want anyway?

Rejection! It hurts! No matter if it's from someone you want or don't want. Not being wanted is a bad feeling. It sucks. It hurts, and it drags you down into this quicksand of sadness. For me it did, anyway.

So I have to block out the images of them being happily ever after and realize that this is a BLESSING. God is showing me a few things here..

1. I don't have to be afraid of the ex anymore (bc I used to be)
2. I can see in front of my eyes that it's not meant to be, so I never have to wonder about all the "first loves and high school sweethearts" stuff
3. It shows me to let go of all the other guys I ever thought 'we could be something great', etc. All of em.
4. I see that you can love more than one person, even though I don't like the idea of that
5. Never.. ever.. date a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend.
6. Always memorize the brand of the shampoo bottle at his place if it makes your hair as amazing as it made mine the next day. (lol)

Life has pain, guys. I'm learning so much right now. And even though it hurts - I see this bright light shinning ahead for me. I'm struggling but I'm overcoming and I'm breaking through. The reason why I am is because God paved this path for me and all I'm doing is barely walking on it and he's taking me through it. And Jesus is with me and waiting for me one step ahead of me each step I take. I wish I could reach him! That's another struggle!

I'll get it. I'll get there. I need to have faith in myself like God does and like Jesus does. It blows my mind that they do - but they do and for that I am forever grateful that they don't give up on me.


Blessed,
Megatron