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| I wrote my own obituary... |
At my temporary job, they get really into Halloween. There are contests and games... candies... decorations... and shameless debauchery!
To kick off the festivities they hosted a murder mystery game where people would get “murdered” with a kiss of death paper on their desk. The first to deduce the killer’s identity won a prize… and somehow, despite submitting my guess on Thursday, I WON!!! It wasn’t anything big, just a gift card to the mall but I had a blast figuring it out :)
Anyhow, the game was accompanied by a daily gazette, detailing the circumstances of all the gruesome deaths and divulging some clues. The articles needed some editing and so I was itching to fix them up. Unfortunately the main publications were written and compiled offsite and so I was denied that particular indulgence, but they allowed me to write up some obituaries for the last edition. Stretching my creative muscles at work was fun... why can't Halloween last all year??? 
Some of them would be more entertaining if you had a better understanding of the office or a copy of the newspaper etc but I cant add links to pdf files. oh well!
Here are the Obits I wrote… I hope you enjoy them as much as I did penning them! 
Linda P
A strong woman, she fought valiantly, coming back to life after being clobbered by an as yet unidentified office supply item… only to be walloped by the murderer a second time. Donations to the Donut Addiction Centre are welcome.
Background: there were two serial killers, and they didn’t communicate so she was accidentally murdered twice!
Bob S passed not so peacefully in his office late in the evening on Tuesday October 7, 2009 via extensive paper cuts. We will never determine what he was working so tirelessly on.
Trude H
Speared fatally by a ruler, Trude never saw it coming despite the head-on attack. We will miss Trude and her straight edge ways. May she rest in imperial peace.
Background: Her title is Metrics Coordinator
Brenda N and Liz R
Found strangled in their cubicles with smiles still on their mugs, we think the murderer made them laugh only to simultaneously terminate their giggles. Only the murderer knows how they managed to frame each other.
Background: for the Halloween gazette pic showing how the deed was done, they opted to strangle each other
Stephen Putnam
A curiously ordinary murder, Stephen was terminally pricked by a rusty kitchen knife. If you are missing any household cutlery, please phone 1-800-CRIMETIPS immediately.
Ross L
Whacked from behind by a stapler, Ross didn’t have a chance to fight back. Donations to “Office workers against excessive stapling” will be admitted upon appraisal. Ross, your stature will never be forgotten.
Background: the man is 6” 4inches tall! and works in emmployee appraisals
Yvette A
Also thumped by a stapler and possibly stapled to. Yvette is survived by her many trusty plants, bear, slinky and troll. A life-size anti-stapler memorial will be unveiled in recognition of her spirit at the viewing this evening.
Alert: No casings were found nearby so be careful not to step on any camouflaged staples lest the murderer strike two birds with one stone… (She always was an early one)
Background: She works with the employee recognitions program
Francis
Poisoned by marmalade and toast, her death is bittersweet-or was it death by Starbucks?
There will be a jam party in her honour at the Vampire House tomorrow where her favourite poem “Ode to Honey” will be recited in memoriam.
Background: Her pic has a starbucks cup and toast with jam in it (as well as her corpse).
Karyl T is not confirmed dead but we are writing an obituary anyway. If you learn of her whereabouts please contact 1-800-CRIMETIPS. Donations in her memory are to be forwarded to an offshore bank account numbered 6666666.
Susan H
She cleverly foiled the murderer, only to kick the bucket as an unfortunate shocking side effect. A celebration of her bravery is to be held at the Ghoul Lounge this afternoon. Leave your plastic knives at the door please.
(not exactly pc but the victim gets to choose how they were murdered… in her pic she was holding a plastic knife to her wrist)
Melanie T
Kidnapped by space invaders from her cubicle, all that remains is her solemn nameplate turned gravestone. Any martians with information on this are asked to call 1-800-CRIMETIPs. Melanie if you are out there, live long and prosper.
Greg B is resting peacefully at his cottage in Ghost Harbour. Any persons attending the viewing are asked to bring swim suits and bug spray. He is accepting donations in the form of barbeque supplies and beer. Whoever said one must be lifeless to have an obituary?
Background: the news article said they werent sure if he was at an executive meeting or sent to the ghost world...
Azalia
It is with my deepest regrets that I must inform you of a gloomy death; the sun will no longer shine on our dearest Adrienne. She met a flattened demise late yesterday evening when squashed by a glare shield. Investigators are looking into her temporary identity as “Amanda”.
Background: the words “amandas, do not remove” were written on the glare shield
Josie D was snuffed by an apple gone rotten in her office early this morning. Please join us for an evening service as we lay our sleeping beauty down forevermore. Prince Charming’s are asked to register at the door. Mints to be provided upon request.
Maliha C was severed from this world in a sudden avalanche of files. Please pay your respects at the service this evening as she is buried for the second time. There will be a collection of $50 per person (pink slips) in lieu of flowers.
Background: She processes severance packages
Rianne C is no longer processing after having been indelibly pressed by a printer gone wild. No duplications were made so if you have original clues please pass them on to 1-800-CRIMETIPS.
Background: She works in payroll processing.
Jatinder B cannot be accounted among the living after the murderer paid her an outstanding visit. She was found crushed by a surplus of credit accounts. Who knew salary deductions could be so oppressive? If you have seen the balancing credits please notify the CSI’s at 1-800-CRIMETIPS.
Background: she works in payroll accounting
Chel M and Angela were spiked by stilettos in an apparent fit of fashion inspired rage. Was it a lovers spat spun awry or a kitten-heel (err cat) fight taken too far? Looks like the murderer hushed those puppies without lifting a finger!
Background: there were two pics, one of them holding stilettos to each others throats and the other with them slumped over them.
That's all folks,
another blog is on its way tomorrow :)
xox
~Azalia
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Posted by Azalia on 2009-10-20 12:28:32 | Rating: | Views: 63
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