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| Another hopeless whinge about my lack of chemistry |
It occurs to me on many occasions that I possibly get too attached to people too quickly. I don't take the required time to think about the risks and thus when, ultimately, they don't feel the same way about me I get more hurt than perhaps I should. I'm sure that most people of my age have had feelings for someone just for those feelings to not be realised, but I doubt many have had them in such consistently similar situations. I mean, never have I actually had a relationship with any of these girls. Surely most people realise they like a girl and then they act upon it? Well, it seems I am incapable of doing that. Whether it's a constant fear of rejection, or maybe just a lack of guts, all i seem to manage is to make friends. I'm good at that. I can cope perfectly with getting along with them, but it's that next step that always seems to baffle me. I know full well I go on too much about these problems, but it's really something I get concerned about. Not to the extent as so it ruins me as a person. No, that would be taking it too far. Not even to the extent as to when it stops me from feeling like this again. Because that seems to happen quite often. The current situation I find myself in isn't even one when I'm totally sure of what I'd like the out come to be. Before this part has been simple: I'd like the girl to like me back and for something to be done about it. That aim has never been in doubt. Until now, that is.
I suppose the fact I live with the girl in question adds extra complications to things. Spending so much time with her would surely bring us closer and, apparently, would make me start to like her as more than just a friend. In the initial two months of us being in the house we share with four other people we spent a lot of time where it was just the two of us, sat watching some rubbish on TV or going out to town. These moments can only have strengthened any mild feelings I previously held. This is partly what's different about it. In the past I've always known from the start. This time it was more of a slow burner. Straight away we got on. Her more so than the others perhaps. I could also tell that she was attractive which is always a help more than a hinderence. But she just wasn't the type of girl I'd usually be interested in. Sure, she laughed at my jokes and didn't think I was a creep, which are the two main attributes I look for in a girl, but there just wasn't any obvious spark about her. There was no reason there for me to get so hooked up on her, really. This might sound harsh and might make you think, "Well I'm glad you're not together, you bitch!" but please don't be hasty in coming to that conclusion, at least not until you've read the rest of what I have to say. While previously I'd always been attracted to big personalities and striking looks, this girl was more quiet. More of the sort who wouldn't sit in the background, but wouldn't be at the front shouting either. Nah, it took time for be to be reeled in this time.
I can fully understand why these feelings I'm having may be false right now. After all I havent left the company of these people very much in the last couple of months. They've been around me whenever I've been doing anything and so it would make sense if I was beginning to feel a bit claustraphobic about them. But on the other hand, the amount of time I have spent with them has given me a really good overview of what they're like. I know all their good points and all their flaws. Every intimate detail of their lives I find out about, whether through being told or just because I've over heard it by accident. For example, I know that the girl in question and her current partner were talking about getting together since pretty much the move in day, and that the "We've only been together a week or two" speach she gave was pretty much a lie. I also know why another housemate wants to leave, why another one wouldnt be too bothered if she did and why the rest of them will support whatever arguement they feel would put them in the best situation at the time. The walls of this house are very thin you know, and I am very observant. But back to the point in hand, that of this girl. As I said, I didnt like her like that at first. I'm still not sure if I do. And thus lies the confusion. Why is it I should feel so down about the fact she is now with someone? Surely I must have feelings for her? I can tell you now that i love her as a friend. She's probably more close to me in this house than anyone else, which is odd given that the friend I knew before hand who lives here is now not so much at the forefront of my mind when it comes to who to talk to. Since they're relationship has become "official" I've noticed very small changes to both of them. He, for example, is now much less sociable with the rest of us and, believe it or not, more arguementative and stuborn. She, for example, spends a lot more time unhappy and on her own. Yes, there is a strong correlation between the two factors. I don't remember the last day they went without bickering to each other. Or should I say without him bickering to her. She insists they're only small disagreements, rather than arguements, but it's obvious they are not. After all I can hear every word they say through this paper thin wall of mine, whether I want to or not. Right now they are at it again. I think he's arguing that she doesn't want to be in the same bed as him. God, I hope she sticks to her guns, I dont want to hear THAT going on. He'll argue about the smallest of things too. She recently got a job, something which he has been after for a long time now. He moans about it, saying that now shes working he wont ever see her. I fail to see the difference as to what would happen if he got a job. He accuses her of moaning about too many things, when he will quite happily sit and complain about everything ever for the rest of his life. Everything is very petty and very avoidable, if only he wasn't so arrogant about it all.
This, I believe, is the main reason why I'm so unhappy about it all. Quite simply she could do better. That doesnt neccessarily mean me, it just means someone else. I am friends with the both of them yet the idea of them together just seems wrong to me. I don't understand why anyone would be happy to sit and take the verbal abuse he dishes out to her on a daily basis and yet still be willing to go back for more later. I don't understand why he would want to be with her when, by the sounds of it, everything she does is wrong. The way I see it is that she is something of a trophy to him. He isn't an attractive guy; overweight and ill groomed. His manners arent exactly gentelmanly and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't shower if he could get away with it. Imagine that guy who's Mrs Bouqets sister's husband and you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I think he's content having her just so no-one else can. He knows he can do whatever and that she'll still not leave him, and he enjoys that feeling of power and control. He has to win at everything and this, to him, is just another competition he can come first at.
As we were walking back to the house today I told her about some of my concerns, and as normal she seemed to think there was nothing wrong with any of this. Maybe that's my problem. I don't like seeing someone I class as a close friend being treated like this and accepting it. I just want to take her by the hands and shake her until she see's sense. He simply won't change his ways, yet I can't ever see her realising this. So when they ask me why I've not been seen much recently, well, that's sort of why. I can't sit there and watch it go on for much longer before I'm compelled to say something, an act which I know won't end well for me. Only time will tell whether or not I do actually have feelings for her. And only time will tell whether or not he can pick up his game and become anywhere near something I would class as a decent boyfriend. I almost hope he doesnt. I want to see her happy, but I don't want to see him get away with it. I want him to realise what he's done wrong and put it right. I want her to realise she could do so much better and aim for those heights, rather than settle for what we all knew she probably would settle for.
I think I've gone on for long enough now, especially as all it really was was a more calm version of what I wrote yesterday. But still, it always feels good to talk about things like this in a situation where it won't cause conflct, as I can guarantee if i said it out loud conflict would be the first thing to happen.
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Posted by Ash_1990 on 2009-09-26 20:02:13 | Rating: | Views: 19
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