Dear ArtistJ,
I started to read your story, but I had to stop so that I could tell you a few things about your writing.
I hope you can use this information to help yourself become more disciplined when you write.

1."Addy had just walked in her apartment where she lived with her boyfriend."

Should read:
Addy walked "into" her apartment she shared with her boyfriend.
and drop the "where she lived" because we already know that when you tell us she walked into her apartment.

2.You don't have to tell us she just got home because you already gave us that information when you say;
"Addy walked into her apartment she shared with her boyfriend.

3. You can't say she was a regular customer, but then go on to say she didn't go there very much. She is one or the other.

4. Explaining the rain because it was hurricane season is unecessary. Just tell us that it was a rainy night and let it go at that. Hurricane season is unimportant to your story unless their home is going to be damaged by a hurricane somewhere in the story.

5.You have already given us a reason for her dropping her phone by telling us she slipped and fell in the wet weather. so don't go on to use her trembling hands as an excuse for her dropping the phone.

6. You can't tell us her every move was being watched by the wierdo and then go on to describe the car as having windows so dark that you can't see inside.

7. AND MOST IMPORTANT!!!
This is where you start to tell us about all these other things that are not part of your main theme of this story.
You go off on side tangents that have no-bearing on the story being told as by doing this you have lost a readers interest.

You seem to have some great story ideas, but you need to focus on the things that are only important to create an image in the person's mind as they read your story.
It is also very important that you spell correctly and use your puncuation to the best of your ability.
Don't forget that you need to place a coma anywhere you would take a breathe in real life. You need to put a period where you have completed one sentence and are about to add to your desricption.
Most important when punctuating don't forget to start a new paragraph when you start a new thought or subject.
And before you publish your story for others to read you must re-read the whole thing yourself and edit your thoughts so they make sense to everyone.
Read it out loud to yourself and see if it flows easily as you read. If it doesn't change it.
If you take my critique to heart, and you rewrite the first chapter of your story and post it once again, I will take the time to read it all the way through, but you must discipline yourself and stick to the story you want to tell and not take all the little side trips about her mom or dad, or her hobbies and other stuff.
Your story is about a young girl and her botfriend and what has been going on with some freaky guy, so stay with that storyline only.
Hopes this helps, if you really want to be an author you are going to have to face the editors and what they do with your books.

Sincerely,
John

This story is written as a rough draft off the top of my head, and I am well aware that there are many grammatical errors throughout my story, as well as too much personal information, that I understand might confuse readers and is just really not needed. Honestly, I just started writing this, and did not think that anyone would really take it that seriously, so I want to thank you for your critique and I have taken what you've said to heart. Are you an author? I appreciate you're advice and will use it. If I ever have the opportunity to become an author, or if I plan on trying to publish any books in the future, I would really need some help. I will go over my story and try to fix the errors in it. Maybe you will consider reading it all the way through...but that is up to you.

Sincerely,
Jessica Pritchett

Your welcome and you are a very nice person. although you are twelve years younger I feel like we have a lot in common. Getting older like I have does not make me feel like I am old, It just makes me wiser and I am happy for that. The only thing about being 33 that I do not like is knowing I was much prettier when I was in my twenties, so enjoy looking your best at your age and be proud of it.

Dear ArtistJ,
Sorry but I have been away from the computer for a couple of days and didn't get the chance to see this comment from you until this evening.
Yes I have been published before, and it's much harder than you might think.
I stsrted by trying to send short stories to Readers Digest, and they turned me down, but they did foward my story to a publisher.
The publisher loved my story but wanted a $6,000 dollar publishing fee.
I finally went to kinkos and made 100 copies of my little book and sold them idependantly to the local book stores.
Many of them were reluctant to put my book on their shelves, but they finally gave me a chance when I gave them 50% of my sale.
If you are serious about writing I could read your story and then send you a rewrite.
Be warned though because by proofreading your stories I may leave out a lot of the things you may have thought important.
Oh, there is one thing that I do that could be of some help to you.
I keep a dictionary right by my side at all times when I'm writing.
Take care and don't stop writing!!!!


Love & Peace,
John