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| Quiet Desperation |
The weekend was a disaster!
I went out to "eat" with my motherand step father Friday night and ordered a salad with grilled salmon and vinegarette on the side. Immediately my mother said, "Is that ALL that you're going to eat?" So I felt the pressure to eat some of the bread on the table so that I looked normal. DAMN, what a mistake.
Moms always seem to notice when something is "off" with their children, no matter how old we get. One of her first comments when she saw me was, "Your skin looks pale, you haven't been eating right, have you?"
That night, I stayed at her place and didn't eat anything but a piece of chocolate and two coffees on Sat..........until she fixed dinner. I was such a HOG.
I ended up eating an entire chicken breast, some salad and 2 BREAD ROLLS! I suddenly felt the guilt and wanted to throw it up so badly, but the only reason that I didn't was because my throat was sore from the day before when I stuck my fingers down it. I didn't want it to hurtany worse than it already did. I must have scratched something in my throat with my finger nails. I guess that I need to keep my finger nails short and trimmed. I have no idea what I am doing sometimes.....
So, then I drove to see my "long-distance" boyfriend after that and didn't eat anything for the rest of the night and half of the following day (Sunday.) My stomach growled once when I was with him and he asked me if I wanted some food. Obviously I said no, but I think that people are beginning to pick up on something being different about me. I've only been anorexic for less than a week!
My bf, Brett, and I burned some major calories.....oh yeah, : ) Thighs definetely got a workout. Then when we fell asleep, which we didn't do much of, it was freezing cold in his apartment, so I shivered and probably burned even more calories. I think that I am going to start trying to take the ice cold showers too.
I was good during my visit with him, but when I returned home the next afternoon, I ate a turkeyand cheese sandwhich....then ramen noodle soup, then....I'm disgusted to tell you that I ate two more turkey and cheese sanwhiches, some full fat real vanilla ice cream and drank two teas! I TOTALLY BINGED last night. But I'm still scared to throw up because I don't want to hurt my throat again. Is there anyone that might have some advice with purging?
Also, I was talking on the phone with one of my male friends and he was telling me about how I was nothing like the person the person he thought I would be before he met me. This was meant to be a compliment but I almost freaked out when he said, " I thought you would be some skinny, anorexic pageant bitch, but you're nothing like that." He said I wasn't skinny and that majorly pissed me off, but I held it in and changed the subject. If only he knew...
So, now I am going to workout for an hour...I plan to really concentrate on my abs. I'm going to abuse the hell out of my midsection after last night's fuck up.
A recommended website for calorie counting is www.fitday.com. You can put down everything you eat and it will total the calories for you and you can also record your activities/exercises and it will configure how many calories you have burned.
Oh yes, and if you are a friend in ANA, remember to take your dailymultivitamin as soon as you wake. Losing hair, brittle nails, transparent teeth and dull complexions are not hot no matter how thin you get.
THINSPIRATION for you!
GREAT WEBSITE, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED:
http://www.freewebs.com/ana-beauty/index.htm
Stay strong, it takes time...but you will see results when you begin to fade away.
"Light as a feather, graceful as a dove, fragile as a child, needing your love."-me
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Posted by AristaMorel on 2008-10-13 11:04:56 | Rating: | Views: 154
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