I don't even understand what my problem is lately but i'm dealing with a lot of anxiety. I think i may know the cause of it but i just want it to go away, i hate it so much! in the past two years i have had multiple close friends devastate me and end our friendship. did i do some things wrong, yes of course i did, but for the most part i was the one who ended up being hurt because they said things that were way over the top for the smallest disagreement. i know for a fact i have never treated another person the way some of my closet friends have chosen to treat me.

In March of this year, i lost one of my closest friends, she completely stabbed me in the back and said horrible things she knew would hurt me. What made this situation different though is the reason we fought in the first place. I remember the day perfectly. It was one of those horrible days when i really felt bad and i just needed someone to talk to, not even about problems i just needed to hear someone's voice that i knew was there for me and cared. it's hard to describe the feeling unless you've suffered from depression, i felt like i was drowning. i text her a couple times that day and asked her if she had time to talk to me for a couple minutes. she repeatedly said no. i tried to understand that she was busy, by ten that night - we usually talked on the phone every night about that time or later - i text her one last time and asked her to talk to me for like ten minutes, she said she would rather sleep than talk to me. it was really hard to deal with, i felt like she just pushed me farther down in the water, this was one of my two best friends and she didn't even want to spare ten minutes to talk to me. A couple days later she sent out this wonderful email to all of our mutual friends and talked about how horrible i was and all i ever thought about was myself....she said a bunch of stuff that she always assured me wasn't true. I'm always too hard on myself with everything and she had always said that it was just in my head, no one really thought those things about me...well turns out she thought all those things were true. i hated her for months...i still kinda do actually, it's not as strong as it was. she was very important to me, we had plans to move in together within the next year. she was like family to me.
 
that was the fourth time someone had really betrayed me. I thought for sure that if it happened again it would kill me, it just happened again a couple weeks ago, and you know what, didn't kill me but defnitely hit hard this time. instead of just anger and hate and being upset i now have anxiety that i deal with every day. i don't want to leave the house anymore, i don't want to do things with my friends anymore. right now there's this huge party going on, i wanted to go, i got lots of invites, but that means nothing. i feel like i'm going to throw up when ever i think about being there with everyone. these are all people i've known for a long time, that guy who is important to me and i want to spend time with...he's there right now. i'm hoping i don't find out tomorrow he slept with someone else because i'm gonna be so disappointed. i know it doesn't matter what i think, but we went through this two summers ago, i had to sit there and watch him flirt with every girl and then he told me all about the girls he slept with. is that something i really want to hear? um no. i'm hoping this anxious feeling will go away over time, i don't know now. makes me hate those people even more...i bet their doing just fine and my head's all fucked up now. like i don't have enough stress to deal with. it just keeps adding on! it never stops! i'm so trapped and i have no one here to help me with anything. i'm a pretty independent person. I've always hesitated having someone do stuff for me because they always end up throwing it in your face when you argue about something. i don't want people to have something to hang over me. but lately all i really want is someone to take care of me, help me deal with things so that i don't have the whole burden just on me, i want someone to help me sort through everything until it doesn't seem so overwhelming. most importantly i want someone who is on my side 100% of the time and isn't going to leave me. everyone who has ever told me "i will always be there for you" has stabbed me in the back and left me so i really don't have much to go on here...you never know though right, crazier things have happened. maybe i will find that person soon and they will finally be able to prove me wrong, maybe someone out there will say "i will always be there for you" and follow through on that promise.