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| A Spectre from the Past |
She is haunting me....
Several years ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman. She was my world....my everything. We had such a deep understanding of each other and a once in a lifetime connection. For 3 years, the world revolved around us. We had a ton of ambition and a "let's take over the world together" attitude.
However, something happened along the way. Our lives weren't heading in the direction we had hoped. I let it get the best of me even though it was well within my means to prevent it. I didn't fulfill my part of the bargain as her best friend, lover and partner. She finally quit waiting for me to step up. I didn't take the breakup well AT ALL. It was nearly a year before I could think about her without it causing that oh so familiar pain in my chest.
The worst part is....I let her down. She loved me so completely and I didn't do my part. Now, this wasn't a revelation I had one random day. From the very first day after our relationship ended, I knew what I had done...or, in this case, didn't do. I have never blamed her a single time for what transpired.
A few months after we split, I did some soul searching. I took a long, hard look at myself and decided to make some much needed improvements. At the time I had a job that paid very little, no car, no apartment, not much on the table. Looking at the big picture, I realized that I was completely failing as a man. I had enough. Unfortunately, it took a traumatic breakup to be the catalyst for change. I decided to put her out of my mind and focus on what I needed to do for myself.
Fast forward to today. I make pretty decent money at a job I really enjoy. I have a newish car and a nice apartment. I am not in debt. I've done so many things to improve the quality of my life. I have also spent alot of time enriching my life...exploring my spirituality, expanding my knowledge about anything and everything, writing, creating digital art, photography, cooking (I love food), working out, trying to become a true renaissance man.
I felt like I did a fantastic job of moving on and making a better life for myself. We have had very limited contact via AIM over the past 2 years and I've only seen her in person once during that time. I was finally able to view her solely as a friend and it enabled us to have some really great conversations and maintain a friendly banter which I was perfectly ok with. We would go weeks (and sometimes months) at a time without talking and then one of us would nudge the other and we'd have a nice little chat.
In the last month or two, I have had this feeling that something was missing. I didn't know what it was but it was weighing on my soul. I figured that as long as I didn't dwell upon it, that feeling would subside. Oh how wrong I was.
After the conversation she and I had last night, it hit me like a truckload of bricks dropped off of a building. That nagging feeling of something missing? It wasn't a something. It was a someone....her. Elation that I finally knew what I was feeling was followed by anguish and rage that I had allowed myself to go there once again.
Now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stand on top of a mountain and shout to the whole world how I feel about her...the other part wants to crawl into a hole and forget we even happened....
BAH! I'm gonna go sleep on it. Wake me when someone invents a love inhibitor....
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Posted by Anaraxis on 2009-09-23 01:00:22 | Rating: | Views: 31
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