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My best friend Gail told me that perhaps I should start this new blogging thing that she does. She said that it would be a great way to get my mind off of .... him. I looked into seeking help from a psychologist and just paying the $120 per hour, but she said this is much cheaper and that I'd feel much better knowing that I fought my way out of this tench by myself. So I am following her suggestion and becoming a blogger. I'm not sure who will read this and frankly, I don't really care. I just need a safe outlet of all the mixed emotions floating through my system. I need a place I can speak freely without judgment and not feel embarrassed. I need to confess those dirty dark secrets and clean every last bone out of my closet. I need a way to move on. So I declare myself a blogger and I shall now blog.
It is now 8:30pm and i just got off the phone with my fifteen year old daughter who is currently in a juvenile detention center 2,000 miles away. She was convicted of armed robbery six months ago. I am ashamed to say that since she has been gone, my home has been peaceful and I feel free. I am enjoying her absence. I try so hard to say I miss her, but I don't. I don't miss her at all. When she was born, I was just turning twenty years old. I married her father and was determined to give her a good life. I couldn't have predicted in the least she'd grow to be such a disturbed child. I was told by numerous counselors that I and her father have done all we could do and sometimes, the parental units nor the envoirnment factors into what the child becomes. I wanted answers at one point. Her father was present for her every waking moment, so the dad not being around is not an excuse. I was there for her, gave her a life that most of her friends didn't have. Yet, everyday, it seem that she had to lash out and be a menace to society. Please don't think I am bashing my daughter, because somewhere beneath all that hate, there was mommy's little girl. She dodged many bullets and if it weren't for her father being in the military, she wouldn't have gotten so many second chances.
She told me that she was doing good and that she had gotten an award for having a clean area for a whole month. I celebrated with her and told her how proud of her I was. She also told me she loved me and that when she gets out, things would be so much different. Apart of me believes her, then the other part of me...well. I guess I just have to see it happen first. She asked if I'd write more and maybe give her two best friends her address there to write. She wanted me to also come visit and maybe attend some of the basketball games she'll be playing in. I told her that I would try. I guess she's just hurt me so much that I am scared to let her back into my space in life. She's the reason I owe a lawyer $10,000. She's the reason I lost my job. She's the reason my divorce was final as of last week.
Having my daughter was a strain on our lives from the beginning. She was unexpected firstly, and secondly, neither of us was ready to be a parent. At the time we found out I was pregnante, I was entering my Junior year at Auburn University, while he was starting officers school in Pensacola, Florida. Every weekend, he'd come see me in Auburn and drive home. Nothing was wrong with our relationship. Nothing was wrong with us after my daughter was born. The stress of trying to do whats write for her tore us apart. It divided us and instead of joining forces to save her, we took sides and it split us apart. I'm not sure if a divorce was even the answer, but looking at this whole situation, he probably just needed an out. He probably just wanted to be through with any parts of me and her. I have no doubt that he loves his daughter, I'm sure he has love for me, but he just wanted to be able to move on. I can't blame him.
I didn't want to split up, I didn't want him to leave. I thought by my daughter leaving, we could finally have a chance to work on us, but he came to me and told me he had enough of this life. I didn't fight it, I went along with it. I was all out of fight, all out of feeling, and I just let him go. I wonder if he was trying to see if I'd fight for him like I did my daughter. But I was so out of energy when she left, I just let go without blinking.
The time is now 9:45pm and I have to turn in. I do some freelance graphic designing here and there. Its not much, but I make ends meet. Tomorrow, I have a nice little work load ahead of me that will require my whole day. So until tomorrow, good night and God Bless
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Posted by Anada on 2008-06-16 19:46:12 | Rating: | Views: 79
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. As a parent it is a crap shoot, you can do all of the right things and have a child that is screwed up, or all of the wrong things and have an angel.
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Posted by singleat41
on 2008-06-16 19:58:14
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I can tell you that blogging does help in some ways and I feel for you. My daughter is only seven but she is going to push society to the limit, now with the divorce she is almost a shoe in for youth run wild.
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Posted by theotherjim
on 2008-06-17 12:23:22
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you seem to have your head on straight don't give up... and do not let your guard down, but rememeber people can change.
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-06-18 07:23:29
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Keep your head to the sky and pray
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Posted by sheltlew
on 2008-06-18 22:13:08
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