I just can’t believe you did this to us - again. I know what they say – payback’s a bitch. If this is what you were doing, I can almost understand it because I’ve been there, but it doesn’t mean I want to stay around for more. What’s the deal? We just keep taking turns crapping on each other? Where’s that getting us? I know where it gets us - both of us sooooo unhappy in a big pile of shit. I want out of the shit-pile. Go shit on someone else now. My turn’s over. I don’t want another turn.

TWO women?? One wasn’t enough? I have their names, addresses and phone numbers. I have records of every time you called them, how long you talked, and how you called one of them and one minute later you called the other one. There were LITERALLY hundreds of calls to and from both of them since January. I won’t be involved in breaking up a marriage so I won’t get involved in letting Sherrie’s husband know but I DID call both of them. They needed to know that they’re not the only one you’ve been seeing. 

When I started reaching out for someone to talk to, it was after a year of trying to get past you cheating on me. That year after went by with me begging you to give me your cell-phone bills so that I would know things were ok. You wouldn’t. Kinda weird how that’s what’s finally doing us in, huh? I wanted you with me but you were hardly ever around. That entire year you were coming in late as usual, me not knowing where you’d been – just having to take your word for it. You had started taking pain pills and drinking and that went on – on and off for four years until just recently. 

The next two years were spent just trying to cope and get by – thinking you didn’t love me – not trusting you because you wouldn’t help me trust you – no phone records, no coming home early, etc. Thinking you were always with someone else when you had hours on end, year after year of me not knowing what was going on with you. Knowing I wanted to end it, but afraid to because of the girls – I didn’t want to turn their lives upside-down. I was going to hang in there and pretend forever. The second year after you cheated and I just knew you were still at it, that’s when I started chatting on-line. I just wanted someone to talk to. It went from there. 

And then the drugs (and drinking at times) got so bad and over and over and you would lie to me over and over that you were finished with the pain pills. I decided I couldn’t do it. I wanted to divorce you because it was such a mess. The guilt from the things I had done wasn’t easy either. 

Then, the accident happened - because of the drinking and drugs. I had decided that week before the accident that I was going to file for divorce. I was so upset. When I got that call, the first thing I thought WASN’T - darn, and I had just planned on divorcing him and now I’m stuck taking care of him for who knows how long. It wasn’t. Take it from your sister and maybe others in the family and that’s the way they may have made it seem to you. But no, I was so scared for you. A person doesn’t spend all those years with someone and not love them and be concerned for them, even if they are upset about what the other person’s been doing. When their life is in danger, believe me, that doesn’t come up. Until later on anyway. That time was horrible. Wondering about what was going to happen to you – would you lose your arm? Would you be able to handle it? I wanted to take care of you and be there for you not only for you but for our girls. I wasn’t going to just say – ok -- I’m mad at him and I had planned on divorcing him so I’m not taking care of him. You know I wouldn’t have done that. 

So, time went on. I thought, ya know - life-changing events like his accident sometimes changes people for the better. Sometimes they make people re-evaluate their lives and they “straighten up”. I started hanging onto that. I wasn’t communicating with the Lex guy at all. It was finished. I told him about your accident and that I had to get you through it and I couldn’t talk to him any more. 

You were there with me – you had to be – you were stuck for a while. You weren’t with anyone else. I started to believe in you - that maybe you really did love me and you weren’t seeing someone. I started believing that now you could give up pain pills because you had seen that they had almost killed you. Months went on and you healed. You’re a tough guy and I’m so proud of you for getting through what you did. But then, when I thought the pain pills were finished, you had started it again. I had been through that for 3 years already. It wasn’t your fault you had to go back on them because of the accident, but you were healed and said you had stopped taking them. The truth was, you hadn’t. So there we were again, you back on pain medicine, not learning from your accident, I felt. 

You had started back to work and the same old stuff started happening again. You didn’t come home until late and when you did come home, you were always trying to find ways to leave again. So, the accident hadn’t changed you at all.

Now I was back to thinking we needed to divorce. That’s when I made the biggest mistake of my life. Instead of waiting until we divorced, I started chatting again and became “friends” with M. That’s when the mess came out. I still have no clue why they (T & M) did what they did - went to you and gave you everything. But really, at that time it was the best thing that could have happened because I was definitely filing for divorce soon. 

So the next few weeks were the worst for both of us. After agonizing for weeks, you decided you wanted to try to stay with me. I realized at that point that if you could try to get past everything you had read and seen, that you must really love me. I hadn’t felt like you loved me in years. Not since before you cheated. Me thinking you didn’t love me and thinking I couldn’t trust you anymore was what turned me away from you. That sounds so crazy, doesn’t it? It took me cheating on you to realize you actually loved me? The way things turned out because of it, it makes sense. 

So then I thought we should stay together because if we love each other, then we surely can fix things. You promised to get off of the pain medicine completely again but then you started drinking again. (Oldest daughter)   had to see what you were like when you came in one night cursing, falling down, etc. She talked so many times about how “Daddy’s crazy tonight, isn’t he?” That’s so sad. I know what you found out was torture and one way of handling that was the drinking. But I hated it so bad that she had to see that and I know you did too. 

I know this past year has been so bad for you. You say you drive down the road and things go thru your mind and you can’t handle it. You said you forgave me but you can’t forget and I understand that. But after a year things should have been getting a fraction better. 

You said I haven’t done anything to help you get past what I did and to make you believe I love you – what else could I have done? I haven’t gone anywhere by myself, I haven’t been on the computer, I didn’t contact anyone from my “mess”, I took care of our girls and house as much as I could, I told you I loved you every day, I called you constantly to make sure you knew where I was, and I was here for you -- what else was there? THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE I COULD DO!!!!!!!  We have 3 little girls who require so much attention and so does everything else I have to do – it wasn’t my fault if I couldn’t run to the bedroom or sit beside or you or go places with you whenever you wanted. I couldn’t even buy cards for you anymore because if I did you would have just said, “You’re only doing that because you think I want you to.”

And there was no way to ever erase the memories and the pain you felt from what I did. I know that first-hand. 

There’s no way to fix our marriage and I don’t want to fix it any more. My love for you can never be the same. It wasn’t the same after the first time you cheated and now there’s more of my heart that’s torn away. The trust issue is too huge and there’s no way to fix that either. You can’t quit your job or change jobs and even if you could, it still wouldn’t change the way I feel now. I know I damaged the love you had for me last year when you found out what was going on. You don’t care enough about me and that’s part of it.

You have to have other women in your life to be happy. I’m not enough. I always thought I wasn’t. Even back when we first started dating, I questioned if I was good enough for you. I know now that I’m good enough, but apparently I don’t have enough of what you need. I’m not skinny enough, I’m not talkative enough, etc., etc.

I deserve better treatment. I’ve not given myself enough credit on being able to stand on my own anyway all these years. Now I’m forced to. I know we’ll be ok. Really, in a way it’s what I’ve always needed.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve been a single parent most of the time anyway. You’ve always had other things you wanted/needed to do instead of being around me/us. 

There’s just too much that time cannot erase -- for both of us.

No more trying to erase -- time to start a new, clean chapter …………….. (and I don’t mean I want someone else – there’s no one and I don’t ever foresee there being anyone.) 

I won’t try to keep these girls from you – they need you and they love you as much as you need and love them.


After that, I put him out for a week and he talked me into going to marriage counseling.... 

That was in April of this year and guess what??    He's up to it again...... I just found out last week.  I thought things were better  -  I REALLY DID -  :(   We had been to marriage counseling thru the summer and he seemed to be doing great.  Until a few weeks ago.  He started coming home late again.  That was the first thing on the list of things I needed and things the marriage needed to make things work again.  So --  there was a huge indicator.  Then, he started to get very distant again and seem distracted, depressed, etc. etc.  -  all the old signs.  I talked to him about it --  he said I was imagining things (of course) and said he would do better on getting home on time.

It didn't happen.  So then I thought - he must have an extra cell phone. Because the other times had started out with spending time on his phone with women.  He knew I now have access to his phone records so there's no way he could use his old phone to call anyone very often or I would know.  So I started watching him a couple of weeks ago because I had searched his vehicles and everything and wasn't coming up with a phone.  I started noticing him when he got home.  Sure enough, one night - it was dark but I could see him from an upstairs window and there was a light back behind him in the yard that lit him up to an extent.  He takes something and goes over to the end of the car-port and puts it in something.  I searched on an off for days and couldn't find where he was putting it and then BINGO! - found it. 

His extra cell-phone, his phone numbers.  I didn't confront him and there's a huge reason why.  I'm a teacher and decided to take this year off   - medical leave of absence.  I've worked since I was 15 and then worked my way thru college and then got married after college and started having babies.  Then, my youngest was diagnosed with Autism.  Needless to say, my life's been so hectic and stressful.  My husband decided it would be a good idea to take some time off because of some health issues I've had --  blood pressure, chest pains, weight gain (stress from him , no doubt), etc. etc. 

I've loved being off work - it's been SO nice --  except for him ........ I've been investigating most of my time away lately.....   

Here's the problem and my solution for now --   if I tell him I know what he's up to (again) which is what I'm dying to do -  then I have to go right back to work because I'll file for divorce.  If I can keep all of this inside and pretend things are ok, then the way I look at it is I'll get my vacation, get to spend his money, (thinking about a tummy tuck and some face work  haha).  It's so hard pretending though -  I just about lost it a few nights ago. 

I forgot to mention the Cialis I had found.  Along with the phone, I found a Cialis prescription.  I've been keeping track of how many are leaving the bottle.   A few nights ago, he comes home wanting to sleep with me....    I don't want to but to keep up the pretense, I feel like I have to.  Late that night --  after we've...... -  I go out to check on the phone and the Cialis.  Came to find out that one of the Cialis' was gone and from the phone I find out that one of the #'s on there is a number of someone I know who lives now in the area he had been in that day (a few hours before he had sex with me).  So -  that means he had sex with her and then the same day -  hours later -  did me .. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - I was soooooooo upset .  I was literally sick  and then I couldn't sleep at all.  

I'm going to use this site to keep all my thoughts, investigations, everything as a log of what's going on.  I need to let my feelings out and I've always written to do that.  The first time I caught him cheating, he took all of my journals and trashed them -  just so he thought he wouldn't have to deal with things.  I told him I needed him to read it to know how I had felt.....  but he didn't. He didn't want to face it. 

I