| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| Novvember 23, 2009 |
Ran 2.82 miles today and did 150 crunches with a 5 pond medicine ball; the rest over the weekend must have done me good. I increased my resistance again; I moved from level 4 to level 5. My goal is 3 miles in 30 minuets. Being back in the gym exercising regularly feels good and I hope it improves my health and appearance as well.
I was pleasantly surprised to encounter a woman who wants to buy Mary Kay! She saw my cosmetics as I was getting ready for work and commented that she used to sell Mary Kay; but wasn’t a consultant now. I told her that I was getting ready to place an order so if she wanted some I just needed a list. She wants me to bring a catalogue tomorrow, which I will gladly do.
As expected attendance in class was light so I offered extra credit. I only have one more day to teach this week. Wednesday & Thursday I will go into the gym to workout in the morning, but haven’t decided how to spend my afternoons. I do know that I want to give the house a through scrubbing while the boys are with their Father.
Attendance at Scouts was light as well. I went through JR’s Den Chief Book while he worked with the boys. He should have his award earned in a couple of months. I am always amazed at what a good kid he is; even more responsible and dependable than most of the boys parents! JR followed Den Chiefing with a Junior Leadership Committee meeting as he is also the new Senior Patrol Leader for the Troop. After the JLC meeting I stayed to talk with Steve.
Things are not going well with the Cub Scout Pack and I have begun to wonder if it wouldn’t be best to take the DE’s recommendations and send the boys to another unit. Steve wanted to know how the boys would feel about that. I told him that the three Weblo’s are enamored with JR and don’t want anyone but him. He seemed to think that settled the issue.
It is hard to admit failure. Under my leadership the pack has dwindled until there are hardly any boys left. The council says that it is not a reflection on me that the parents won’t help, but I can’t help thinking that somehow it is. Often I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I am a woman. There have been multiple occasions when someone asks about Scouts, then are shocked when I tell them I am the leader. They usually say something like, “It’s so nice of you to help your husband.” I tell them that I have no husband; I am the leader. When that happens I never see them again. It gives me a sinking feeling in my chest to know that I will never be good enough.
After talking about Scouts I broached the subject of Jillian’s behavior. Steve said that Jillian has underlying anger issues. If that weren’t completely obvious I don’t know what is, and knowing that doesn’t make him easier to live with. This morning it took him 45 minutes to change the cat litter. I ended up standing in front of him and telling him, “I don’t care how long it takes or if you miss a whole day at school. I will stand there until it’s done.” Steve told me that if Jillian’s therapist wasn’t telling me what the issues were, it didn’t have anything to do with me. I suppose that’s true as Steve is a psychologist himself. I still feel like I have lost control of the situation and no matter what I do it never seems to be right. I was already emotional at this point, but what transpired next reduced me to tears.
Steve smiled at me, “So do you already have your turkey and ham bought?”
“No,” I replied. Looking down I added, “I’m not doing Thanksgiving this year.”
“What about the kids?” he quizzed.
“They’re with their dad.” Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Well, you should still do dinner.” He insisted
“There is no point in cooking for just me. The gym is open so I will go there for at least part of the day.”
“Why aren’t you cooking? No money? Do you need a basket?”
Now I could see he was concerned because he knows I like to cook. Truth is I have $25 to my name and that has to buy gas and last until Friday when I get paid. The tears were coming in rapid succession now. “I just think it’s a waste to cook a whole meal for only one person.” At least that was true. It would be wasteful to cook all that food for just me.
Then Steve looked me in the eyes and said, “I never was very much into Christmas, Thanksgiving always was my holiday. I use it as a time for reflection, even when I was alone and there were times when I was alone. Even then I would always cook myself a 30 pound turkey and reflect on the things I was thankful for. I know things are hard right now, you’ve had a rougher time than me, but despite all that there are people out there who are worse off than you. Even if you are alone you should still make yourself a dinner.” I could see the beginning of tears glistening in his eyes, even though he kept turning his head so I wouldn’t see.
Unfortunately cooking is out of the question as I have no money for food, but I didn’t tell him that. I just smiled and said, “Per usual you have reduced me to tears. It seems you are quite good at it.”
“I don’t mean to.” He replied somberly.
“I know you don’t; it just happens.” With that we locked up the building and went home.
Before retiring to bed, I wrote Steve the following note:
Dear Steve,
Thank you for you kindness tonight. I know you did not mean to make me cry and it is not your fault that I did. I’m sure it makes you uncomfortable to see me in such an emotional state; for this I am sorry. Just as you do not intend to make me cry neither do I intend to make you uncomfortable.
The reason behind my tears is simple: from you I cannot hide the truth and in my life the truth is painful. With everyone else I can smile, be polite, and tell them what they want to hear. With you I cannot lie. Even when I do not wish it to be so my soul is bared and no amount of pretence can hide what resides inside the heart.
For a reason I think I shall never know, I trust you. Do not consider my tears as a strike against your person or character, if you must think on them at all, consider them a compliment.
Sincerely,
A___ T___
I won’t be able to have Thanksgiving dinner, but I have been contemplating writing a ritual to perform on Thanksgiving after I go to the gym. If nothing else it will give me something to do.
|
|
Posted by Alone2 on 2009-11-24 13:35:00 | Rating: | Views: 9
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
