Thoughts.com Blogs - Beginnings are usually scary

View Blog

Beginnings are usually scary

When did I get this way? When did I first start hating myself? Truthfully, it's been a long long time. I remember being young, weighing 115 lbs and thinking I needed to lose weight. I remember never REALLy liking how I looked but until I graduated High School I at least felt a little sexy. I was a soccer player, cheerleader, fairly popular, got invited to all the cool parties, went to all 4 proms, had boyfriends and friends and for the most part, thought I was pretty.

After high school there were a few years that I could get dressed up and go out with my friends and feel as though guys were checking me out. I knew I was gaining weight, but at only 140 still had confidence.

I remember it was around 2003 I went on a cruise and that's when it occurred to me, after looking at the photos that I had really put on some weight. Sure enough, I had gained 10 lbs per year for 4 years for a whopping total of 40 lbs weight gain. I was now around 190 lbs. How did that happen? It was all those years of partying, drinking, eating late nights..the college life, the freshman 15 times like 3.

I went on a diet pretty much immediately. I battled the bulge if you will. I only managed to lose 15 lbs by 2005, 2 years later. When I went on my cruise in 2005 I was about 182 lbs. I was not happy at all. I start dieting and working out. I started packing on muscle, not getting long and lean like I'd wanted. Still, I managed to lose about 10 lbs. By June of 2005 I found myself a new boyfriend. We had a great summer and then winter set in. I started getting comfy and gaining weight. By the time we broke up in February the following year I was back to 182 lbs. And a few months later gained 10 more lbs. I had finally reached 192 lbs and was no happy at all. decided then that it was time to really make a change.

I started cutting carbs and working out like a crazy person. I was so tired and exhausted by, by the following April I had shed over 20 lbs and reached 169 lbs. It was a great feeling. I met a new guy that April and by May we were dating exclusively. By the following December I had gained about 9 lbs back and was teetering around 178. A month or so later I was 180. I watched the scale over the months as it climbed...180, 183, 183.5. I kept trying to make changes but truthfully, I had started eating carbs again and stopped working out. 185.5, 188, it just kept climbing. We have been together for almost 2 years (this May actually) and I am back up to the weight that disgusts me. One scale says 193 while the other says 185. I'm going to say 190 and just make it easy.

I need to go buy a new scale so that I can have accurate measurements. But first, I need to figure out how to shed some weight.

Since my cousin has picked a beautiful beach destination in Mexico for her October nuptials, and picked me as her Maid of honor...I have to look and feel good. We are going to be in bathing suits all week, our dresses are strapless and let's not forget, she is blond, 5'7 and weighs about 140 max, several of the other girls going are 5'7, 5'8 and weight probably 125. I can't be the FAT girl so to speak.

So, i'm devising a plan. it's my 40 in 40. I have 40 weeks and I figure I can at least lose 1 lb per week and get down to 150 before I leave. That's 9 months at only 4 lbs per month. I know this can be done.

I need motivation. So I'm posting this blog hoping that someone, will feel sorry (or disgusted by me) and help me keep motivated by checking back and commenting on my progress. Maybe even joining in with me.

I'm posting photos on the 1st of each month. To help keep track.

Please, help me!!!!!