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why kids lie

   sorry. got a little backlogged. so good to see you again, and may i say, that is a good look for you! the object of today's visit it to look at why your kids lie. i can write this not because i know your kid, but because i know kids in a way that most parents don't. you must mold and discipline and guide and parent. i have only the responsibility to love them. love requires active understanding, and God seems to go in before me and help them trust me. i am shameless in using everything i have at my disposal. the first kid i ever counseled hadn't spoken for over six months. they didn't tell me that, kind of to test me i guess. i simply called my dog. psychic dog she was, and jumped right into the girl's lap. she patted the dog a minute, and then whispered, "I have a diabetic cat we have to give shots to twice a day." first words in six months. a woman across the hall had been watching (which i always insist on when i talk to girls), and i assumed she was the mom since she began weeping when the girl started talking. the psychiatrist from the local children's hospital called me in to ask how i got the girl to talk, because he had been "working with" her for four months and got nowhere.

   that is the first point. children talk when they are comfortable. that makes it a bit intense to handle problems, because at the moment you need to most make them comfortable if they are going to talk at all, you are FEELING anything but calm. on their side, it is a matter of survival. "i don't wanna be in trouble!" "you're gonna be mad at me!" the truth is going to get them nailed. but here is the rub. they will spill the beans as soon as a friend shows up. "man, i got caught making out with my girlfriend in a parking garage, and i thought my dad was going to kill me, man. i just lied and said i was reaching over her cuz a package fell in the back seat and i didn't want it to break." you love them more than their friends. you have sacrificed and bent over backwards to show them love. so why would they not trust you? because you are mad. if you want kids to talk, you have to be calm. they will listen (sort of) while you lecture or yell. but with each syllable of each word spoken in anger, they will shut down a little more. calm yourself before you begin to talk. breathe deeply and exhale slowly and quietly. attempt to see them as you saw them when they accomplished something good. good child. bad mistake. good child. bad mistake.

   you are actually looking for a bridge called empathy. when you hook into and understand their feelings, when you have gently asked who, what, where, why and when, when you understand on a heart level how afraid they are because of their screw-up, you are ready to listen. for those with no children, don't have them until you are ready every day to begin this process anew. it is grinding. it is a pain in the neck, but it is called parenting. now, this is perhaps uncomfortable to say, but it needs to be said: one person cannot meet another person's needs 100%. single parenthood needs more input. we have a binge and purge mentality in this country. "i love, love, love my children! uh, oh! i am going to kill them. that is my room! how could you magic marker my walls?" in good times, things may feel comfortable in a single parent setup. however, in not-so-good times, the more ideas and sources of love, the more correction is possible (if done correctly). i know you watch kids on TV say, "my mom worked three jobs and we didn't see her one time for ten months because she was so busy. but she raised us well, and i became a doctor." um ... what about the other kids? one brother is dead, shot, and the other is in prison. mom got more heartache than joy most of the time.

   so one reason kids lie is to avoid punishment and pain. another reason kids lie, and this is usually the kids who are fourth grade and up, is anger. this is because of perceived hypocrisy of the parent. parent says don't drink, and kid smells alcohol on parent's breath. parent says don't do drugs, and kid smells pot smoke after they go to bed. parent says don't break the law. curfew is the LAW! but parent consistently drives above the speed limit. everywhere your words don't match your actions is a wound to your child when discovered. and they watch you like sherlock holmes. "hmmm. i have to eat foods of all colors and salads or i get in trouble. and there is dad's salad in the sink." parent: "well, now, john, i am an adult, and i have the right to do what i wish without being judged by my kid. they owe me respect!" me: they owe you NOTHING. you owe them. you birthed them. your behavior is the single most important behavior the child will ever see in terms of character development. maybe 98% of the time, i can reverse time and show you how trouble entered the picture and it is usually because of some well-intended action or some critical inaction in the parental role that the child became vulnerable.

   "see? blame it on the parent!" no. that doesn't work logically, because i would have to spread it evenly among everybody since noah. we aren't looking for blame. we are looking for cause. even though i decided not to hit my children because it teaches them that big people can hit little defenseless people and it is fine, i did have varying degrees of consequence. my kids knew my thinking because that is only fair. don't lecture in anger. discuss in peace. i discussed with them my belief that lying is the deadliest sin, because people never know if you are lying or telling the truth. my kids got in bigger messes when they lied than when they broke any other rule. and they knew it and understood it. but that creates possible problems. YOUR level of honesty comes under scrutiny. so how do you be honest when your own past is not perfect? that will be our whole next meeting. how can you increase your honesty level with your kids? see you then.