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| unclenching a fist |
i had a buddy who was a raft guide on the new river. he took people on those giant rafts that someone with a death wish invented to ride a river that can snap you like a pretzel stick under a steam roller. one day it happened. they flipped right at a place in the river where the water turns into a barrell roll that can turn you under water for days before you float free. my friend tried to fight for a few seconds and then realized that he couldn't fight successfully because he couldn't tell which way was up. so he just stopped fighting. he let go. as he told me the story, he looked like he was in a daze remembering it. as the thoughts floated through his mind and he decided to surrender peacefully to death, he popped out from under the water and was driven down the river.
there are obviously times to fight. if you are the only thing standing between a mugger and an elderly person, for instance. many of us have lines that others do best not to cross. most of the time, however, it is anger rather than justice that gets us to join the fray. most of the time the most positive answer is the response of letting go. letting go is highly preferable to being a grouch. you would almost always do better to let go than to grumble or carry around resentment. the farther your kids are into their teens, the more appropriate it is to let go and let them make some mistakes while they are still where you can love them through it all. you never know when your time will be through. my kids find me inconvenient and no longer visit me. they love me but they live with their mom and see me every few weeks. what option do i have but letting go? if i bug them, they will visit even less, so i just let go and work on making a life when what i lived for no longer comes around.
we are a nation within a nation. there are millions of us who are only important when people want our votes or our money. we walk around a little confused and sometimes a lot hurt. we loved without limits, giving without question, and then our hearts were returned, worse for wear, completely molded to life with the person now pushing us away. some of us are humiliated by our own responses to being rejected. some of us are so crushed that we have trouble forcing ourselves to bother to eat. some of us weep because of the hole that is torn in our souls. i am supposed to have my daughter 1/2 the time and she hasn't lived with me for four years. sometimes i drive down her mom's street just to be close to my daughter. i love her with my hands open. she is completely free to never see me. my love surrounds her wherever she is. my only non-destructive option is to let go. God knows how badly i miss her. so i leave it in His hands.
the strangest thing to let go of is a world full of "i love you's." having grown up in the home of a raging alcoholic and lived with at least one wife who was an admitted alcoholic, i was used to dodging guilt and staying out of the way when rage came to visit. but i built a world of "i love you's" when i got out on my own. even the wives who left me twisting in the wind were good about saying i love you almost to the end. i believe in saying i love you when i say goodbye because i have had so many times when i never got another chance. that part of life is hardest to let go of and stay neutral about. with people losing their homes and friends who have gone home to be with the Lord and millions starving, it seems juvenile to be sad that i don't hear i love you's these days. but i miss it. bad. and it is a challenge to let go of longing. but i am working on it. if i had to choose between the two, i would rather fill the world with i love you's than have the world saying it to me. is that weird?
i think i shall go fill my world with popcorn and a black and white movie. i have an extra chair and a lot of blankets if you'd care to join me ...
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2009-01-02 23:37:40 | Rating: | Views: 65
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