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| the simple path. or why men are emotionally lazy
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my uncle is going to be 80. i may make it to eighty, but i will probably be looking up at tree roots. toward the end of a life, having someone in your heart is critical to living as long as you can. wandering around your house in gym shorts and being bored to death with the white noise of TV seriously makes you question regularly what purpose it serves that you are continuing to take up space. and when your marriages have been worse than a 70's disaster movie, it means that trusting another person without fear is harder work. it will be interesting to watch. i come from a family with great longevity. i have a life that is seriously lacking in human contact. the studies i read say that not being touched means you won't live as long. for me, not being touched means i will get to keep my appliances, pets and car for as long as i want it. that isn't completely fair. we split the house equally. she got the inside, i got the outside.
women are complicated. they have this motive fixation. "well, what were you thinking? why did you do that?" pardon the ac/dc reference, but hell's bells. i don't know why i was mean to "willadean," the girl i sat next to in grade school. i don't know why i decided to not do LSD and other strong drugs. i don't know why i like the girl i like. if you can put it in a little definition like that, is it truly liking them? e. e. cummings said that every person is a little universe. how can you quantify a universe? "well, i like our universe cuz pretty trees grow there." "i like our universe cuz most stuff isn't too ugly." "i like our universe cuz what if in another universe, toenails and fingernails grew BACKWARDS??? huh? what about that?" let me explain this once and for all to the women who are truly curious: guys do stuff cuz they are guys. seriously. if a man has too many reasons for his actions, he is feeling guilty or lying. the truth is less fascinating. why did i fart just then when if i had waited five minutes i could have farted OUTSIDE of church? cuz i had GAS just then. see? simple. why do i get tired of holding hands? cuz it is weird to do all the time. see? simple.
i read in the studies that women talk forever about stuff like curtains and laundry because they are networking and building the emotional base to their support system. see, even if a guy said something like that, every other guy in the room would know he was gay. if i don't consider you a friend to begin with, i ain't gonna talk at all. well, unless you piss me off. then i will say something dumb, but by the time i get home, i will report that i slayed you with witty repartee (kids, that means a witty response). why? cuz i am a guy, and real life doesn't limit you much if you can tell a good story. if you want a good example of this, watch "A Knight's Tale." it is an exquisite movie, but the ability of men to tell stories is highlighted and you will get it immediately. it is why we are psychically unable to tell the truth about fish we catch or pool games we shoot.
never listen to a man describe a crap he took. if he comes out of the toilet going, "wow!" everything he is getting ready to say is a lie. in the first place, only a man could get a sense of accomplishment out of the size of man-pie he created. "dude, i crapped like a hippo." think about that. he would die. it would have to include vital organs. "i crapped not only digested food, but i think my liver was in there, too." other guys give points for originality and data that is impossible to verify. "dude, i pooped so big it added to global warming." this is a perfect man thing to say, cuz it left the size to the imagination and quoted data that will never be provable. unless you got W. drunk and made it seem like it would be deadly to study. then he would get a little "W" woody and say "of course you can study that. i am the decider, and i am so very, very, very sorry lives will be lost. and i'll feel genuinely bad about that while golfing." now, women need to realize that it is actually a compliment for a guy to tell you poop stories. you are a cohort, a buddy, a friend if a guy is willing to brag around you. if you are going to "confront" him whenever he inflates the truth, i hope you don't want sex for very long with him.
a fair number of the unfortunate women who stumble on this writing will be saying right about now, "that is just stupid. poop stories. you are just stupid." true. but the woman who can laugh at the stories rather than being embarrassed about being associated with him will have a man who is WAY more willing to listen to their woman-stuff conversations. so what if we think farts are funny? you actually believe pants can make your butt look thinner. it could either push the cheeks together so your butt becomes longer or they push it in so your butt becomes wider. but you can't hide butt. it retains its relative mass no matter what. we agree to lie to you about that, so why the heck can't we lie about the size of our poops? we agree to say that the yak dung you make for dinner is good, when in reality our daughter is not anorexic. your food makes her puke. we lie and say liver tastes like steak when you make it. it tastes like liver and we consider divorce whenever you cook it. we usually hate at least one of the colors you have picked to paint a room with, but we know our place. the house is yours to decorate, and we tell you that you are a great decorator when it can't be great in our minds without old pizza boxes on the floor and a pole for you to dance on.
men make bad liars, cuz lying is work. so if you understand that men think about stuff different than women do, the men can keep giving you strange stories, or they can tell you the simple truth. let him share without guilt and you will have a partner. you will never find a "better" one. straight men think the same. you have two choices. laugh at him or have hemmoroids. i want some lunch. toodles.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2007-10-15 09:51:22 | Rating: | Views: 95
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I find my boyfriends poop stories to be pretty funny, and he farts around me all the time. Not that I like the smell or anything but i can't stop him haha.
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Posted by StacyLee
on 2007-10-15 09:59:53
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