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pay attention, campers. i only talk about this rarely, because the cost of the schooling was way too high. the biggest problem with suicide from an outsider's perspective (meaning not being the one who is suicidal) is that we don't want to believe it. the closer we are to the suicidal person, the more we dive into denial. denial has become a dirty word in today's culture because it implies blame for being somehow "involved" in the behavior. "if she would just get out of denial, maybe he would stop drinking." as if. denial is not evil. it is a survival tool that we misapply in our lives. but it is more a reflex than a thought-out decision. very few people grow up thinking, "when i become an adult, i want to marry an alcoholic or suicidal person and be in denial about it." the problem about denial when someone you love is suicidal is that it renders you unable to help. my daughter and her friend were telling me about a friend of theirs who is beautiful, talented and smart. in one of those weird coincidences, i know the girl they spoke of, and she is a cutter. she self-mutilates. i could not, of course, share that information with my world, so i twisted uncomfortably in my chair. for most folks in most situations, we DO want to notice the good and beautiful in people. it helps no one if you become nervous and suspect everyone is suicidal. that is its own little denial game. the trick is to see windows of opportunity to communicate, and open the windows.
most moments are not "meaningful." even those who thank God with their first breath and who are grateful for every moment of their lives, miss some moments. don't believe me? what were you specifically thankful for while driving 73 miles ago? what were you thankful for on your fifth bite of Thanksgiving dinner? if you know the answer to both of these questions and you ever have the chance to meet me, please don't. this is the truth that blows the "quality time" myth out of the water. some of the most poignant memories come from unplanned-for moments. and sometimes we are averting major problems by having the right words at the right moments. what even the most gifted counselors don't always know is where you are on the clock. there are specific things that suicidal folks go through, most of which are internal. even with the right questions and years of experience, professionals are surprised from time to time. what you CAN do is set yourself up with the best odds of "unintentional intervention" (my term.) people do what they think they need to do to survive. understanding that is key to doing as many things right as possible.
many of us have read symptoms in periodicals about when someone might be preparing to do themselves harm. Google suicide. they will have much of that information. i contend, however, that suicide is like an avalanche situation, and begins with pebble sized thoughts and feelings that become larger and louder as they proceed down the mountain. i couldn't count the number of times i have heard, "this sounds tiny now that i have said it out loud." especially during teen years when so many changes are going on that they can't keep track of them all, the productive path to parenting has definite steps. these begin with divorcing yourself from judgementalism. this is a time to be opening avenues of communication, not closing them down. it takes multiple love gestures to erase one "should" in a child's ears. "you shouldn't have ... " you might as well pack it in at this point. you say "should," they plug their ears. they already know EVERYTHING you think about everything. unless you have made them very sick emotionally, they will have some opinions that disagree with yours. they are SUPPOSED TO. the most emotionally important things to you will be the most important disagreements they have. my son is healthfully independent from his mother and me on the subject of spirituality. she is a music minister and i am a scribe. if he had jumped straight from my house into Theological school, i would have said, "wait. go help refugees. go work at a homeless shelter. get some questions before you are spoon-fed answers."
put post-it notes on your desk, your mirror, in your wallet, wherever you are likely to see them. write, "it is healthy for children to disagree." an unexpected side benefit to accepting disagreement of opinions from our kids is there are far fewer times that disrespect and argument become issues. we must first respect them before we can expect respect from them. a kid i was working with one day had a severe dressing down from a parent about how disrespectful they were. they apologized and the parent went off to wherever they go. it was quiet for a minute while the kid regained his equilibrium. then he said, "john? what is respect?" he was being forced to learn respect in a very disrespectful manner, by being reamed each time he screwed up. "here's keys. go drive, and each time you hit something, i am going to punch you in the mouth." you can tell me what respect does. fewer by far are the folks who can tell me what respect IS. i will tell you since we can't meet for class. respect is consideration of how our words or behaviors will affect those around us. some people earn little but disrespect by their behavior. ironically, our own kids fall into that category more often than most folks.
there are two ways you can provoke your child to be disrespectful. one is to be mean. nasty words. smacking them in the head for saying something stupid. spanking them when their rump had nothing to do with their offense. when we take loud advantage of the fact that we are bigger and more powerful, that is mean. the other way to provoke them is to quench them. if you force them to submit to your ideas, your thoughts, your direction, and you don't sufficiently listen to them, you are creating a future volcano. a girl in our neighborhood had a mother who died of anorexia a few years back. she and my daughter had picnics under the big tree. but i found out several months ago she had no food. she would have a bare hot dog while my daughter had these feasts. i didn't know. i would have fed her, too. they were mere yards from my door and i didn't see. i want to think i am a good dad. i want to think my kids enjoy my company. and i was robbed of more than half of my life with them because their mom couldn't stay with me. considering all those factors, how likely am i to romanticize and hope that their lives are good? i am not quenching them to be mean. but i need to keep guard over my mouth when it seems they are unhappy with me. i try to sell people that things are good. "oh, c'mon honey. you know you don't feel that way." use a fork! stab your lips shut! they DO feel that way! if you won't listen, their friends will.
rehearse this in your head. do NOT grade yourself. just think about it and it will become habitual. it is the genesis of connection. ready? first: honor the feeling. next: "reflect" the action to make sure you are seeing things clearly. next: help THEM find THEIR answer. honoring the feeling is just that. it isn't defining. it isn't giving advice. for instance, your child says, "i got yelled at in school today." first reaction of most folks would be, "what for?" but remember: "honor" the feeling. as few words as possible. in this case, a good answer would be "ouch." let it sink in that you are hearing their heart. you have opened a door. let THEM walk through it. don't push. count slowly to fifty. if they don't say more, "reflect." do not define. they haven't told you who yelled. they haven't told you what was yelled about. you know only two things: 1)in school, 2) yelled at. a mirror can only reflect what is in front of it. so you say, "so let me see if i am hearing you. you were in school, and someone yelled at you right there?" this lesson took a week with the parents of my treatment center kids. the point is, use gentle tones, use neutral words, and know that they will recognize that you are trying. they may still say nothing. but you have turned a corner. you have said it is both safe and okay to talk about this. say NO MORE until they do, even if it takes a week. if it was a teacher, you will hear eventually. if it was another kid, they may need to work it out without talking to you. let them try and mess up while living in your home, or they will do it in college where you are not there to help.
if and when they blurt it out, keep a bridle on your tongue. they are NEVER done after one sentence, and if you quench them, you are building for something ugly later down the road. so just change posture (look AT them), close your mouth so they know your ears are open, and respond with one word wherever possible. "wow." "really?" "whoa." once they have told you everything, respect their mind as well as their heart. say, "what are you going to do?" look at it this way. they are not going to hear anything they don't want to after the age of twelve or thirteen. they watched you. now it is their turn to make up their own minds. i recently had the heartbreak of one of my kids moving out on their own. it is a sign of success as a parent, but a sign of being less involved and important in their life. but i do know that my kids have good, strong minds and healthy consciences and they will make me proud. if and only if they ask, tell them your thoughts. then, whenever possible, tell them the thoughts of someone exactly opposite you for comparison, and trust them. like this:
kid: mrs. fruitandnutbar from science yelled at me because i forgot to get rid of my gum.
parent: dang
kid: i KNOW! and she didn't give me a chance to throw it away. she yelled about the look on my face. i looked that way cuz she was making me feel stupid in front of everybody!
parent: man!
kid: maybe i messed up, but she messed up too. it isn't fair.
parent: nope. (life is never fair. resist the opportunity to preach.)
--- count to fifty. slowly. if they have said all they are going to, it is time to help them find THEIR answer. it is ALL ON THEM unless they invite you in by asking you ---
parent: so do you think she is through, or is there more to do?
kid: i dunno. if it was you, you would have apologized and i would have apologized back and it would be over. but i dunno with her.
parent: bummer.
kid: what would you do?
parent: i'd think maybe it's time for the student to be the adult and the teacher to learn something, and i would apologize. of course, most of the male world would say that i was showing weakness by apologizing, so what do i know? (remember, leave them room to make up their own minds and TRUST them.)
kid: i'll think about that apology thing. thanks dad.
if that's not a conversation i would have with my kids, i will paint myself with a big target during deer season. if you give them the chance, kids make good choices. and if they make a bad one that won't kill them, respect it and be there when it backfires. use the same three steps. it keeps the habit of open communication in place, so they don't get the emotional logjam that makes suicide even an option. never Ever EVER tell them that they don't feel what they have told you they feel. they won't trust their own hearts, and THAT is dangerous. this was condensed. if anyone reads it, maybe i'll do follow up. if not, thanks thoughts.com for letting me keep it fresh in my mind. see ya around campus.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2008-01-10 13:54:01 | Rating: | Views: 96
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This was very well written, and I have many thoughts on suicide.
I will refrain from listing them.
I will say, instead of murdering of self, I say, "Murder the Suicidal Thoughts!"
Peace.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-10 14:59:21
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