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| moon weight, midgets and mammaries
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good day, ladies and yerklemen. welcome to the streets of my mind. the other day i shed close to a ton of weight ... i got out of my car. i think i shall call it babs. (big ass buick) on the moon a car weighs exactly the same as a gerbil does on earth. think how much our gravity has pulled you down so you couldn't grow tall. you could send a midget to the moon for five years and he would come back tall enough to play pro basketball. they call it "decompression" when they come back to earth from outer space. decompression my butt. they put them in a pressurized room to squeeze them back to the same size they used to be. it's why you never see an overweight alien. they stretched, and no one tried to hide it. you know, if we were nicer to aliens, our tallest person wouldn't have to reach down dolphin throats to pull out six-pack plastic from their stomachs. the pictures of aliens are all the same, and any of them could reach through its mouth to the dang dolphin's tail. i'm just sayin.
i had a pet crow. i was particularly imaginative as a child, and called my crow blackie. blackie stole things. anything shiny. keys, of course. coins. aluminum foil. he dropped them down our chimney. one day i went to see what he had hauled in, and there was a foil-covered very light cigar shaped thing laying there. being a boy, i of course tore it open. there was a cloth cigar in there. i didn't know what a tampon was. for several years i thought females smoked cloth cigars. see, i asked the guy who worked in the bakery illegally what it was. he said, "it's for women." when i finally figured out what it was, i was very embarrassed that i had tried to light it. then i heard where president clinton put cigars and the world was balanced again.
i thought candid camera was in my bedroom when i was a boy. i changed clothes under my covers. then one day, even though i was under my covers and the curtains were closed, while i was changing i heard my neighbor laugh outside. so i got dressed in the dark under my covers. and you're sitting there thinking, "geez, buck, how did you ever become interested in mental health?" i was grounded for six months once for getting C's on my report card. strong training to become boo radley, i'm thinkin. i was a good boy. in seventh grade my art teacher leaned down to show me something on my paper, but i saw something in her shirt. ::sigh:: i loved her so much. but i averted my eyes. that's how polite i was. now here is the pathetic part. my next door neighbor was a model for one of those triple D cup-sized man's mags. (this is truth) her husband was a heroin addict, of course. he beat her up and ripped her shirt and she came to borrow my phone as theirs was pulled out of the wall. one of those D-sized things was right there to look at. and i averted my eyes. how pathetic is that? she laughed about it a few days later. she said she was going to have to come jump me to get me to look.
there's an island off the east coast where we rented a cottage one summer. i was a teen, at odds with everybody in the house cuz the trip over was a long drive. so it got dark and i decided to take a walk. i love the ocean. wild. passionate. the walk got my mind off things. mostly. but i didn't want to go back in. that was for sure. so i was just kinda slowly walking along the side of the house and i realized there was another family renting the other half. and their girl (who i found out later was a year younger than me and incredibly pretty) was taking off her swimming suit in the window. what IS it about the female form? aliens don't even know what's pretty on human women, but i think it would be defined as EVERYTHING. anyway, as she hung out in her room topless, i hung out in the sand thoughtless. HA! she still doesn't know how hypnotized the guy outside her window was.
on that note, i may have melon for lunch. thanks for stopping by. see ya.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2007-10-02 09:45:37 | Rating: | Views: 112
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