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men's evolution, multi-tasking, marriage, bikinis,

   like most people, my intention is to be a nice guy. well, to be accurate, half of people may be trying to be a nice gal. picky, picky. the thing is women are more evolved than men. who knows why? maybe because she and the kids got to stay home and paint the walls of the cave, they had time to study and mutate in ways that we didn't have since we were killing mastodons and smacking away dragonflies the size of a modern day hawk. it's true. before man invented air pollution, dragonflies were two-and-a-half feet wide wingtip to wingtip.
   why can women multi-task and men can't? again, evolution. mom had the kids, the chewing of hides to soften them for clothing, the tending of the fire, making the livestock that the men brought home from the hunt edible. men had one thing in mind. one target. they said, "qhfebli,jfbvjyfh," which meant, "must get food, or she won't sleep with me," in cave man language. (um ... i made that up, so don't put it in a report for school.) the men came home smelling so bad that skunks wanted to mate with them. they not only killed the wooly mammoth, they had to cut it up, share it between the hunters, carry it home. the blood on their clothing stunk, the sweat under their clothing could kill the elderly, and their feet melted the grass they walked on. oh, and their teeth ... forgetaboutit. now the female multi-tasking took on an air of desperation while she invited him to go skinny dipping and avoided his mouth. after playing in the water long enough, she spent three minutes taking care of him and he went to sleep. one less thing to have to multi-task. there were few jobs as disgusting as being a cave man's wife.
   now, according to the Bible, God spoke things into existence. this tells me that i am not very much like God in that area. i speak and things break. by the seventh day, God rested. not me, baby. i could talk straight through that seventh day and keep talking til i was killed by my own troops. of course, according to evolution, a fish got tired of swiiming one day and grew legs. one of his kids got tired of scales, held their breath and farted, and poof, he had hair. adam's first words to eve? "stand back. i am not sure how big this gets." of course, in adam's defense, he had just named all the animals and had seen bull testicles and whale dongs. so maybe he thought we would have to carry ourselves in wheelbarrows. he was probably disappointed. and this is why men steal looks at each other in locker rooms. we're not gay. we're just making sure nobody else got a whale dong and we were left out. and just out of curiosity, why are bulls always in such a bad mood? they do a whole herd. what do they want? do you think the cows are going, "i think we need more decorations for the bullpen and you need a haircut"? if i had the voices of all my wives nagging at once, i would kill myself. ice picks THROUGH my ears and into my brain.
   would i get married again? sure. if jessica alba became a mute, and forgot how to write or do anything other than rub my back and cook large meals for me while wearing a bikini, yes, i would probably marry again. sex is stressful, so i would wait til she was drunk so her brain could pretend i am good. i am not really sure why i would wear a bikini as she cooked, but there it is. see, my problem with marriage is a broken spousinator. i marry the wrong people. so far i have picked the correct sex. no "Crying Game" in my life. but i have married women who considered me a "fixer-upper," and i like my historical significance. if you push me to be more polite, i will fart in a crowded elevator. if you tell me to dress nicer, i will show up at a wedding smoking a cigar in ripped boxer shorts. what a cigar is doing in my boxer shorts i will never know.
   i became a vegetarian because a girlfriend was one. we "dated" for six years. then she told me goodbye. five years later, i found out she is a married lesbian. i am glad things worked out as they did. i am glad that the only "meat" i sacrificed was the kind you eat. had i made physical adjustments to become her lesbian lover and then she broke up with me, i would be forced to write bad things about her and put them in a time capsule so in centuries other people could hate her too. but hey, i can't blame her for going gay. i like women better, too. i have always felt sad for women because they only get to rub their eyes when they wake. they don't get to scratch like us, which i must say is one of the most satisfying scratches in life. michael jackson holds his. he is sick and maybe even a zombie. but that is the biggest thing he missed in not having a childhood (although what do you call now, michael?)
   well, i must now take my magnificant body in the other room to nap. if you want something to drink, look in the fridge. thanks for stopping. see ya.

Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2007-10-07 13:55:43 | Rating: