match.nerd and emotions.robot only work
because their founders depend on you buying the lie
and buy it you do
by the hundreds of thousands
most folks will tell you that they are looking for a partner
"to share the sands of time
and swim in the ocean of love's potential"
blah blah blah
have you watched the commercials, folks?
passionate love lasts 18 months at the most
it's like our bodies say,
"have tingles go up your back long enough to let love get a hold,
then its time for grownup love"
longest length of coupledom on the commercials?
18 months
"we joined giggles.spaz 18 months ago
and we still giggle that we kissed"
may i now puke?
will somebody PUH-LEEZ get me a bucket?
then the founder comes on alone
THERE'S a successful matchmaker!
starts a service and can't hook up
then there's one final sound-and-sight-bite
where the cute couple does a cute dance
"the dance of the cute cutiepies" i think it is called
and then civilization collapses in convulsions
i would rather have my children watch pornographic war movies
than the crap on commercials
okay
that doesn't work
some commercials ARE war porn
but you get my drift
love doesn't happen like the commercials say
matchmakers looked at good life partners
not "who will get aroused by whom"
where are the computer-matched happily married couples?
divorced
where are the people
who "get the second six-months free"
cuz they stink and no one likes them the first six months?
picking stuff out of their tooth
i had a stripper i was counseling for drugs
tell me one time she loved two men
she named one she loved for his body
and then said,
"and you for your mind"
transference is a common occurence
but my body was hurt
(pause while i laugh out loud)
love is constructed
each couple comes together with different materials
different strengths and weaknesses
than any other couple on earth
coupledom is built together
from understanding one another
and honoring individuality and togetherness
i don't care if the "happypants.snore" questionnaire
has fifty thousand questions
it can't do the coupling work
because only the couple knows how they feel
i must close now
the local voodoo lady saw a rhinoceros
in her teacup
so i am gonna marry whoopie goldberg
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