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| individual spirituality part two
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i learned the rules for king jamesian english. it isn't Biblical if you just tack on "eth" to make it sound like Scripture. "thee and thou" have rules, just like "who and whom" do nowadays, although i am one of three people in America who know that rule, too. here's the problem. i didn't learn the king's english from love. i did it to be non-replaceable. my dad kicked me out of his home when i was not yet 18. i got fired from my first job. my girlfriend kicked me to the curb. i didn't want church to throw me away, too. so i learned the details of dumb stuff. although i now write stuff in my english "antiquities" language, and it cracks me up. have you ever had someone do the thing where they go, "even if it was only for you, Jesus would have gotten on that cross." i was horrified! now Jesus' death was my fault, too? how the heck was i supposed to repay that? my life was worth about a threadbare car seat. it would be an insult to try to die back, wouldn't it? Jesus' life was perfect, and i am a cock roach.
to make matters worse, i watched TV preachers cuz my parents slept in and couldn't drive me to church sometimes. they both worked very hard and deserved to rest. TV preachers gave me the impression that God was more interested in my behavior than my heart. so talk of grace, even in Theological school, fell on my deaf ears. "please God." that isn't begging. that is the instruction i heard. i had to please God. how does a guy do that? somehow it seeped into my consciousness that some of this spirituality stuff was supposed to happen TO me, rather than be something i did. but nothing happened to me. i still felt and thought the same. so i wasn't even valued enough by Heaven to give me what everyone else got. i have five bucks for the person who knew a bigger whiner (or wiener) than me. but God kept me close, kinda like a yoyo. i would think, "i am getting close to losing God forever," and He would just stand there grinning with the string tied to His finger. He wasn't letting go of me. feelings sometimes lie. but not the feelings of our new hearts, and we need to be careful not to despise God's gifts including feelings and senses.
i counseled for a thousand years. my message was always the same. God loves you where you are and He and i are gonna walk you to a safer place. over and over lives got better. is that ego? maybe. but i would be an idiot to counsel if i didn't believe it was going to help. when an addict stops using or a criminal quits breaking the law, SOMETHING has helped. those things don't stop on their own. i believe that i am yoked together with God when i counsel, and i am being used as part of this person's spiritual life. it is Pastor Vern's message of the bridled tongue again. no tongue gives only guaranteed life. if your words change, so does the source of power in your tongue. this is why judgement begins in the house of God. if i quote Pastor Don or Pastor Vern, i tap into their vision. neither one of them would ever fall into a ditch alone. i would JUMP in immediately after either one. and i would find a rock if they resisted, knock them out, and drag them out of the ditch. Buck the friendly gorilla. but i am a grown-up believer. i voluntarily fight sharks and gators in the spirit. if i was brand new and they were jim jones, imagine the trouble i would be in. so spiritual leaders can do huge harm with their tongues.
lately, i have been closer to pluto than ever. what seemed like a freefall nine years ago when my back snapped has gone through divorce, bankruptcy, heart failure, women who were, shall we say, less interested in me than i was in them. don't worry, eHarmony.com. you won't have to reject me. HA! and now my outsides look defeated. inability to get around much means i have grown fat. inability to keep human love in my life means i am as solitary as anyone i know. an income of less than half of poverty level has affected my lifestyle. i have no floor in my kitchen. i have no complete chair to sit in anywhere in my house. (chair backs have broken. springs have sprung or sproinged. stuff like that.) i have begun to wonder if i am completely lost mentally, because i am more like a homeless person with a permanent address than a homeowner. yet this is my life. i am still defensive of it and selfish with it. when will i learn?
i had a thought the other night. i can usually tell if the thought is a gift from God when the thought feels like i have unexpectedly walked into a warm, cheerful room in the middle of blizzard conditions. this thought of mine was this: He knows me. He doesn't want me to be Pastor Jarvis or Don or Vern, Jr. i am as protective and emotionally tied together with them as i would be with a brother from my mom's womb. but i am not them. i am not a junior. i am the only one. the only me. and God's path for me is surprising to me, but not to God. i didn't get the lasting marriage and perfect family conditions i prayed for. i got my two kids, who i would have traded half my life for. i don't have the great career i asked God for. but i do what i love and i have friends i love. i have a kitten sitting on my shoulder watching me type and licking my nose from time to time. get better than that! i dare you.
God likes me like i am, hippy, idiot, mouthy when i should be quiet, quiet when i should probably say something. He likes me just like this. so i am going to let Him take my hand and walk me to a better place.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2008-03-10 13:43:34 | Rating: | Views: 68
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explicit? i would like to thank the reader who spiced up my writing with such an honorable title. even though you are slightly weird, i hope you understand my thanks.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck
on 2008-03-10 18:45:55
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If anyone has implied that your post was inappropriate then they are as stupid as thoughts.com is when they use the term "explicit" to describe content in a negative manner. (Which is what I gather they are doing with the bold red worded warning "EXPLICIT CONTENT" beside this post title on your blog.) Have you ever read the definition of that word or looked it up in a thesaurus? I'm thinking the folks at thoughts.com haven't.
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Posted by cwzywbt
on 2008-03-16 10:02:58
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