one of my all-time favorite funny books has this line: "he jumped on his horse and rode wildly off in all directions." the first time i saw that, i got a detention for laughing out loud during a test in school. it felt like my life. it also feels today like it is connected to the Proverb, "death and life are in the power of the tongue." Pastor Vern says it this way: "God has ordained His power to flow out of our subjected tongues." that may sound like it is our job. "self-control" or whatnot. but no. the $64,000 question is "subjected to what?" the answer is would be "subject to" the King of kings and Lord of lords. the answer also is "subject to" grown-up determination, adult resolve to remember who we are in Christ. the "Christian party-line" sounds like the myth an alcoholic hides in to keep his wife off his back and his kids off-balance and easier to control: "i'm sorry, but i am just a sinner saved by grace." if you are sorry, look at your last three words and live by them instead of using them to cop out.

   if you received my son's heart in a transplant (exactly what happens to us as believers. our old heart of stone is replaced by a heart sensitive to Him), and you decided to lie there and be waited on and not live, i would learn martial arts and put my hand in your chest and take the heart back. fortunately for you, God is not as mean as me. i have watched people receive new hearts and decades later come back to glorify God. and they ALWAYS go on about the years they wasted. honey, you would have wasted our time as fellow believers if you had just been around for something to do when you were out of pot. we are pilots. you may be impressed by the nice seats and beautiful interior of the machine that slices through the air thousands of feet off the ground. but those of us who have been around a while know that the seat that your safety most depends on is the one surrounded by buttons and switches and radios and radar and microphones to talk to the passengers. like my son's heart in your chest, i expect that your life has been saved by the donation. and i assume that my pilot has been trained and is constrained by my Lord, because God is keeping me alive to do work that He ordained before the beginning of time.

   it has only taken Pastor Don pointing out over and over that we can't die until our work is done (if we are working for the Lord) for it to sink in. it seemed egotistical to look at myself as an eternal being, an immortal mortal. yes, this body is aging. new challenges and rust never sleeps (hippies, remember that one?). but my spirit is learning, maturing, coming into conformity with His heart. there are very few "automatics" in His training. i have waited for years to morph into someone as nice as Pastor Don or Pastor Vern or Pastor Jarvis, who said, "at any given time you should be exhibiting at least one of the fruits of the Spirit." i have been like, "God, you ever gonna give me that fruit?" and He has been like, "i gave you fruit when I gave you roots. deal with it."

   i lived with PJ (Pastor Jarvis) and his family. he was the person God brought the Charismatic movement to my world through. he lived it. he didn't live it cuz he was a minister and was supposed to. he was a minister cuz he lived it. PJ didn't live in a way that said, "i need to watch my step so i don't do something bad that people see and end up leaving church." he lived working to please the One he loved, and twenty-five years later God gave me other such hearts to emulate in Pastor Don and Pastor Vern and Big Jim and Chuck and my son and daughter. my son is fascinating. he is a deeply good, spiritual person, but he is absolutely self-determining: "well, dad, i am just not sure i believe that for me right now, but i am thinking it through." and he will. both my kids will think something through for months before they embrace it. that makes my father's heart rejoice in my chest. my daughter thought for months about her post-high-school plans, although i only put the pieces together when she came and announced her college plans to me. i was like, "dang, girl, you thought all the way through this, huh?" my kids rock.

   i am pushing the limits of how much i can fit here. i will finish in my next post.