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out of approximately 5200 kids i have counseled so far, i can give you the single biggest family complaint from the kids' perspective in five words: "i can't talk to them." parents, oddly enough, say, "they won't talk to me." guess whose problem this is? if you chose a side, you just defined your problem. in reality this is a spiritual problem. what does that mean? it means that even if one side is completely at fault, both sides suffer. spirituality is connection. what? you thought it meant you sing pretty for the choir? honey, old folks who have lived around church their entire lives will tell you: "the devil comes in through the choir." there is a potential david and a potential bathsheba in every choir on earth. did you think spirituality had to do with your tithes? you can tithe from a spiritual perspective. you can also tithe to lower your taxes. no. at the base, the absolute bottom line of spirituality, it is about relationship. Jesus didn't quote the book of martyrs or some foofie flower pot of spiritual nice things that you can now buy at cracker barrel as wall plaques. Jesus said, "i do what i see my Father do."
since someone from my blogging community was arguing that king james was the original language of Scripture, i must tell you that if your minister thinks that, go to another church. king james twisted some Scriptures because of the morality of the day. the translators did not agree on every word, so it is a good idea to do some of your own research. still, Scripture is a living conversation. just like you can add to, agree with or disagree with your friends, God is not afraid to be your friend. discuss it. i am a goof, but i discuss things with Him and i am not dead yet.
if my kids agreed on every point with me, i would jump in front of a semi. proof that there has been no parenting is that there is no disagreement. children are supposed to disagree. parenting is showing them ways to disagree that are healthy and non-violating to the other heart in the conversation. my kids have been strange from the womb. my son has more patience than any living human. i will never forget being mad one day and after some time i angrily pointed out something, and he said in a compassionate seven-year-old voice, "is that what this is all about?" i was so shocked i completely forgot i was mad. my daughter is the softest living heart. she is an angel, and her entire world knows it. and since they cut the cord, this child has not been willing to apologize. i mean, you could put a lit stick of dynamite in her butt, and she wouldn't apologize to get it removed. but if mr olympia came after me, she would rip his head clean off his neck. i have screwed up more than any living human, and they love me more than even makes sense.
what is that if not spirituality? one heart reaching to another in love. yes, i believe my heart and God's heart connect. i also believe that the whipping post and the cross were for the healing of the nations, God's people, and family. 1 john says that if i don't love you who i can see, i can't possibly love God Who i can't see. a blind girl who goes to my church was in service one night when Pastor Don asked if anyone had seen God. she was the only one who raised her hand. God is so good. so let's look quickly at how connection changes things. first, when do you concentrate on connection? Jesus said, "agree with your adversary quickly." i know He tied it into court. but i am tying it into the court of your conscience. NOTHING gets done when you are warring with your child. and your child ALWAYS wins, because if you are mean or stupid, they just lie to you. plus, connection means that you aren't flying solo.
i rarely have situations where my kids are "out of control." i can't remember one. but part of it is your definition of control. it has been since the earliest days that they could talk that i have given them control over whatever they could handle. as young children i gave them the choice of remembering whose turn it was in the front seat. if they didn't keep track, i would take charge and they could both sit in back. i have never had to take over. see, when you are all mad and disconnected, guilt goes to the wrong place. i will not do guilt as a parent if it is my kids who are being idiots. okay. maybe a little. but it is their problem, and i will make connection so they at least share the guilt. and they tell me their consequences. they are always, without fail, EVERY SINGLE TIME harder on themselves than i would have been on them. "no, daddy. you tell me my punishment." "nope. your problem. fix it." God has never told me, "hey, don't worry about that heart you broke. I'll fix it." He DOES say that if you have someone you have anything against, go make up, and THEN give your offering. our mistake. ours to fix.
i guarantee that no matter what your status is on whether you can talk to your child, they will talk to me. people have said over the years that i have a gift. i used to love to agree and go polish my ego for the next miracle i pulled off. God gives no gifts to one child He doesn't give to another. go read the prodigal son story. so the skill set to have children talk to you is transferable. i will talk the next couple posts about how to make that happen. but if it is to do any good, your job is to connect in your memory to the time when you thought your child was a miracle. one reason they will talk to me is that i still recognize that. if you want to connect to your child, i can teach you how. see ya around campus. |
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2008-04-04 11:51:33 | Rating: | Views: 60
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yes the disagreement, boy my boys buck me at every chance, its cool though like you said they are learning life skills,,,,,peace and thanks for the help,,, have a great weekend
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Posted by bjm1
on 2008-04-04 11:56:27
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