i woke up the other morning, much to my surprise. i wasn't planning to wake up. i hadn't planned to go to sleep. the truth is, i am much more honest when i am sleeping. if i burp or fart, it's cuz i am asleep and don't know i am doing it. okay, now that the ladies are gone, let's talk about guy stuff.

   i think it is fair that about half the time, women need to put the seat down on their own. it is easier to put down than up, and i have never had it satisfactorily explained why they need me to do it at all. when i need to sit, i don't fall two inches onto the porcelin. i put the dang seat down. duh. plus, when my bladder is full, it might contribute to an accidental spritzing of the inside of my pants to bend over and pull the seat up. where is NOW when you need them? women's lib erased the societal norm of men holding doors for their women and so forth. (i still do.) but they never discussed the fact that i am entitled to a toilet visit that doesn't involve me acting like she is lending me her toilet: put the lid up ... do my thing ... put the lid down. don't pee on the floor. if i brush my teeth, rinse down the sink. fold the towel and make it look like it hasn't been used. don't touch the "visitors" towels. don't look now, but the visitors will have a more comfortable toilet moment than i do.
   women, do you understand that we can love you and not like to talk about some things? for instance, with my guy friends, i could say, "dudes, i saw a deer on the side of the freeway yesterday and his head was ripped clean off." women don't like stories about dead bambis. for any ladies who put on their sport's bras and are still reading, please understand that when you talk for half an hour about what color drapes you are choosing, i am about as enthralled as you are by road kill. first of all, i am not gay. i don't have dirty underwear on my kitchen table or anything, and i do wash my dishes and only wear my underwear for a week before changing it. my animals are fed because Craig Ferguson said they would eat me if i didn't feed them. i think whoever comes up with a way for animals to clean up their own poop deserves a Nobel prize. i have one extrememly shy cat who never comes up to get petted, but i still have to clean her poop out of the litter box. at that point i believe they should become stew. 
   what is it about this society that makes our most "manly" men so afraid of gay people? when was the last time you sought out the company of people who were walking around saying you were a freak on the way to hell? my best friend for a number of years was a lesbian whom i worked with. when she was off for a day, people would come up and say, "who is the guy in their relationship?" i infuriated my boss one day when i answered, "why would gay people model themselves after us when we are more likely to fail in relationships than to be successful?" gay people don't look for converts. non-gay people sometimes can't leave well enough alone and just be happy with their straight friends. many of them try to make gay people straight. there is some society that tries to fix gay people through religion. their leader and most famous convert went back to being gay and the society was aghast. if aliens kidnapped me and took me to an island with all gay people and told me for years i was gay, i would escape and try to find a female to lie down beside. it is stupid and bigoted to try to convert someone's sexuality.
   the church has let me down. not the Lord. just His people. "how?" you ask. i was a good kid. i saved myself like the church told me to. not forever, but long enough that when i tell people they go, "gasp." then i married women who loved me but didn't like me. but that was a lie, because liking is PART OF love. anyway, i had sex. then they went and found other guys. they tell me i was quite satisfactory in the sex department. but now i am alone. where is the church's teaching on that? i am a reconstituted virgin. i have read that every cell in your body is replaced every seven years, and every cell in my body has not had sex for longer than that. and it makes me nuts. i woke up one morning recently and was calmly discussing the pros and cons of suicide with myself. there was no fear, which i found interesting, but there was also no passion, so i knew i wasn't going to do anything self-destructive that day. but i don't cheat on wives, i don't cheat with other people's wives (except one who didn't tell me she was married back in the 80's), and i am attentive. who has the best women? drunks. then chauvinists. then men who are never home. then people like me. women SAY that they want men like me, but their behavior ...
   having been a believer in Jesus Christ for over forty years now, i am amazed. i had some exposure to large audiences as a newspaper columnist. i have gone to many churches. and the most hateful, nasty, ugly things i have ever heard said were words from Christians. i actually call their religion churchianity. they love to pronounce God's rejection on you. i kinda like bad responses now. it means people are reading and discussions are happening. i tend to completely block out anyone who says, "I am a Christian, and i think ... " you are a fake. Jesus said that they would know we are His disciples by our love. want my attention? behave like a loving believer and i will recognize you. until you have proven your love, your sermons suck, your theology is as empty as a deflated balloon, and your "tough love" is bogus.
   so here i am, the possibly suicidal minister, the believer who doesn't have a clue what direction to go, the teacher who knows less than nothing. while i have a million reasons to write, none of them are particularly interesting, so you can either use them to help you sleep, or pay attention to someone more interesting. like your milk man. or a rock. HA! hey, thanks for stopping by. perhaps i shall see some of you soon.