one of the most angry stings from childhood is when parents lie to their kids. in countless situations i have heard adult children say, "why didn't you tell me the truth? we could have worked this out. now i just don't know what to think ... " i hear parental gears turning: " ... well, i didn't tell a big enough lie to actually get them angry, and besides, it was nothing they will ever find out." one more self-lie and you are out. the size of the lie is of no consequence. and they will find out. one friend of mine called her kids "bloodhounds." at least she was sensitive to her kids' skills. many parents don't give their kids even that much credit. (john lennon says, "hello julia" 2 minutes and 30 seconds into "stand by me." he is speaking to julia lennon, his mom. so i say, "hi julia" to my daughter. two Heavenly julias.) for many parents, the thought of being embarrassed in front of their children provides the only argument they need to cover up aspects of their lives. i am telling you right now that you are choosing humiliation if you do not choose honesty. being "found out" is such humiliation that it is the point that many relationships crumble and never recover.

   it is always, Always, ALWAYS better to have kids find out things from you than "about" you from another source. you have the chance to sculpt how they hear it in a way that is simply not going to occur if you are "caught" in a lie. let's say your kid is a teen, and you want to send them a message about drugs. "well, john, i am NOT telling them i did drugs. you might as well give them permission to get stoned right there." in the first place, if you lecture with no indication that you used, they will say, "what do YOU know about it?" secondly, you WILL be talking not knowing they are listening and let it slip. far better is to tell them. then you do not have to waste energy tending a lie. understand that it their job as teens to define themselves apart from you. i have long hair and my son has hair the length i hated in my young adulthood. SHORT. he is as handsome as a dang sheik, so i was wrong about that look. and he proved it, as kids tend to do. both of my kids have asked about drugs. i am a hippy. i am not a drug crazed mutant wandering the streets looking for meaning. but i have certainly tried drugs. so that was what i volunteered. "i have tried drugs." whoop-dee-dippidy-doo. it opened the door, and my kids talk openly to me about drugs now. 

   both of my kids asked me separately, "what would you do if i came home and said there was a baby on the way?" my answer to both was, "i'd say set another place at the table." did they hear that as permission to go get knocked up? not so far. they heard it as unqualified love. i have told them mistakes do not erase love. is that permission to do dumb stuff and call it mistakes? nope. they live their lives quite thoughtfully. i have told them and their mom that i am glad i can be with them as they make mistakes, so they don't have to make them later when i won't be here to support them. i got the snot kicked out of me as a kid. i do not remember a single thing i was belted for. i don't remember a single lecture. neither of those teach. they are power plays. they give parents the illusion that they are "in control." but the message to the child is that love is being turned on and off. worse, some parents tell their children they are "only spanking them cuz they love them." so the kids learn to equate pain with love. nice. c'mon, parents. it actually saves time to put a little thought into parenting. 

   the twelve step programs talk about, "the exact nature of our wrongs." nature. it is somewhat stupid to list every detail of your mistakes. you give people ideas. but the nature of your mistakes keeps you in a place of honesty and therefore trust. here are some "nature of our wrongs" ideas. concise and honest. "yes, i tried drugs." "yes, i have a few regrets about what i 'gave away' on dates regarding intimacy." "yes, i lied to my parents." "yes, i cheated in school." put your teeth back in your heads. if your kids haven't figured things like that out, you are an accomplished liar. the objective of these statements is the greater statement, "i trust you. i love you, and therefore want honesty between us." these statements are bridges. there will be follow up questions. say NOTHING that harms anyone else. no names. answer from your own experience. excuses are not productive. they teach your kids to make excuses. give the shortest complete answer and calmly wait for them to be done or ask another question. you will have greater respect as an honest person than a perfect one. honesty is possible. perfection isn't. next time we will look at the nature of encouraging children. just cuz i wanna. see ya.