there is an aspect to mental and spiritual health that is often ignored. it is rather uncomfortable, so i probably am willing to talk about it because the friends i have expect me to be a dork. got a hot cup of coffee? okay. for those who don't know me, i am an adolescent and family counselor who began my career 35 years ago. i was on the foundational staff for the premier drug treatment center for the area. i hate what they have done to it, but that isn't why you called ...
i call this phenomenon the "detachable heart" syndrome. you won't hear Dr. Phil talking about this cuz i made it up. if i disagree with Dr. Phil, ignore me and listen to him. i have heard this called the "system" behind the addiction. accurate enough, but i believe that the reason this "system" can even happen is because we have developed detachable hearts. the "system" is all the codependency and enabling in their world tied together. you see, even a hermit needs help to continue in addictive behavior, whether it is drugs or TV or computer games.
i have watched countless groups come into my sessions, and i swear i can almost see them strapping their hearts in like they do their cell phones in the morning. they are sincere and serious in group. then, as they walk out the door, they unhook. they nod seriously when i talk about how to create home environments that reinforce health. and by the time they get home, they "forget." there are other kids and relationships that demand attention. it is seriously uncomfortable to try to change the daily grind. my faith Handbook tells me that all believers are one spirit. so your health, even the secret part, affects me. getting an addiction in place is painful for the addict, anyone who loves the addict, and for those who have ears to hear, those who become family when we believe. we are called on to complete the sufferings of Christ. has that ever bothered you like it did me? what good am i in ribbons tacked to a tree? here is what i believe He told me:
the thing about pain is it is current. picture a skinned knee when you were six. the blood may still be gross. your mom may be compassionate or scold you for crying. you can picture the sidewalk or playground. what you CAN'T do is recapture the pain. scar tissue is dead to feeling. pain is a current affair. i have physical lunacy that gets me so absorbed in pain sometimes that i know if i had a gun i would blow off my legs to make my feet stop hurting. but right now i don't hurt. (i rarely do while writing.) even though i can see myself weeping in pain, taking meds to try to fight it, even closing my eyes and beginning to pray for my friends to get my mind off it, what i am unable to do is recreate the pain. so, while your sympathy is nice, it does nothing for my pain. pain can only be addressed while present. taking meds when you feel good is silly. and sick. and qualifies as addictive behavior.
i said all that to say this: fellowshipping in the sufferings of Christ has to do with those who weep and belong to Him. we are to weep when those around us weep. this takes supergluing those hearts into our chests once again and becoming involved in the souls of others. nothing comforts like looking up to notice someone else grieves for our loss with tears. nothing conveys understanding like silent weeping and a set of arms. connection on the heart level is the only way to involve ourselves in healing. the kids i counsel are stunned to look up and find that i am crying with them. weep with those who weep. from that moment, they trust me with their deepest pains. i give no advice while tears are flowing. parents, write this on your hand til you learn it. advice during sadness is sadistic. this is the single biggest reason your child will talk to me before you. i don't want that. i want them to have you. you were as much created for them as they were for you. they are crying real tears. they are hurting real hurts.
sometimes tears come in different attire. if friends or family connect shame to tears, tears will come out in other ways. but they WILL come out. the eyes are the window to the soul. do they shade their eyes against you? shame, fear, resentment, and very often tears are being hidden. we draw the curtains against that which we can't trust. most people draw curtains at night. fearful, broken people shade themselves against the day. it is easier to hide at night. that is why goth kids carry their night with them in clothing, make-up and attitude. and do not mistake this: kids NEVER hide without good reason. to scold a closed child by saying, "just talk to me!" is child abuse. it is unsafe to talk, or i promise you, they would talk. how do i know? because they always talk to me. i am scary looking. i am huge and bearded and tend to scowl. they simply sense they are safe. you CAN do this. i promise.
God is just. some may see it as "balanced." if i fellowship with Him in His suffering, i also share His joy. we can be relieved when a lifeguard pulls a kid out of the water just in time. but i have been the lifeguard in just that situation, and sharing coming out of the water is way bigger than simple relief. love is getting in the hole with them and saying, "okay, how are we gonna get out of this?" if i have shared the cave, the fear, the loss, the betrayal, i can share the healing, the hope, the joy of re-entering the light. real life is connection. refusing love is a walking death. it is difficult to swallow, but if our love is being refused, it may be us. is our love safe and free of expectation? have we connected with them on a heart based tear-for-tear level? you cannot have the afternoon sun and no shadows. it is either/or. you can't have the joys of love without sharing the pain. our Savior took our pain INSTEAD of us. i pray for that to happen to me for folks i love. i would rather hurt than see you hurt.
three women come to mind in my life when i think about who weeps when i weep. my longest active friendship, Carol. my beloved friend Denver's wife Cheri. and my Texas friend Beth. they don't let me hurt alone. Pastors Don and Vern, Uncle Worth, Big Jim and Chuck, my partner in regaining health, Bill ... these are my heartbeat. my kids ... such unending joy. and they talk to me! talk about a reason to keep waking up in the morning. trade your detachable heart in for one that cannot be detached. if God tells me to love you, i will be glued to you into the bowels of hell. i must go where He goes to love as He loves. "if i make my bed in hell, You are with me ... " want the church to heal? invest yourself in the hearts of the church. see you around campus ...
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