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crass club

   some of my friends started a "crass club." the only thing i actually had in common with these folks was that we all needed to lose weight. i might one day tell you about some of the things folks did for food and you will be unable to believe me. but this actually had nothing to do with food. the crass club included the rudest people we knew. i got in with extremely little imagination. we were at a classy restaurant and my nose started running. there was nothing paper around, so i blew my nose in my napkin and put it back in my lap. and people say being high doesn't make you stupid ...
   one of my friends was an ex-prostitute. she had a bakery where she made x-rated candies. i am not lying. she had a cake that included ... um ... the hair down there. it was those little tiny chocolate candies, but on this nude person (male or female according to the order) they were amazingly authentic. and don't get me started about the suckers. anyhow, she got into the crass club by taping a ... um ... down there again, except a real one ... to a 3X5 card and mailed it to the woman i will now discuss.
   my other close-ish friend got into the club when we were on our way home from canada where we had been for a conference. this woman drop trou and did a pressed moon against the back window of the station wagon we were in at a trucker. i was driving and didn't see what she had done. i was too enthralled with a story the ex-prostitute was telling me. but all of a sudden i had a semi-truck climbing up my tail pipe. it was like a hitchcock movie. i said, "hey! this truck is after me." the woman in the back didn't want to get in trouble cuz i found out later she liked me and ... hey ... who can blame her? but she said, "nah. it's just the traffic. he isn't that close." i said, "then i am having a stroke, cuz it feels like his headlights are already up my butt." she admitted what she had done, so i was laughing my butt off trying to escape this truck. i pulled into a roadside rest and looked like i was parking and he parked so i took off and jumped off the freeway. this woman was the only virgin who ever gave me the opportunity, but i said no. too much pressure. i didn't know enough to guarantee better than an average time. i thought her first time should be magical. mostly i was just a chicken sh*t.
   it is quite odd to think i was a founding member of a crass club. if i wrote a profile for a dating service, i would say i was a quality guy. but when i stand back and look at myself, i question WHAT quality. HA! like when i worked at the prison. prisoners use the worst cuss words as simple adjectives. i became completely immune to cussing. i guess if you hear something often enough, it becomes white noise. unless, of course, you BECOME the noise. for instance, i had a girl start a conversation by saying, "now, don't think i am perfect. i just thank the Lord for my gifts." i was shocked. i said, "you aren't special enough to be that humble." sometimes i crack me up.
   stephen colbert is on letterman tonight, so i shall speak with you all tomorrow. have i mentioned i recently got nuked by love? i seriously appreciate you all stopping by. see ya.