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we are bound, Scripture says, by the words of our mouths. as is typical with my mind, i have always taken that to mean, "watch out what you say cuz you'll pay." and in many ways, of course, that is truth. i have found that any way i judge comes back to judging me. but i find myself in a brand new paradigm. i have taught someone to be independent whom i want to protect. i am the great preacher of, "discipline your children like they are the neighbor's kids." if this were my neighbor, i would be saying, "trust their integrity. you raised them with love. now you need to let go and trust."
but this is not the neighbor's kid. this is one half of my heart. and no one is going to be as careful with his best interests as i am. there are so many things i was just ready to teach him. i have kept the greatest teachers in negotiation and sales and so many things that would give him a street doctorate in business before he launched out on his own. they aren't just courses in business. they are collected dreams for him. and i messed around and waited too long. i want to do that "make the world spin backwards and go back in time" thing that superman did.
parenting and writing are the only two jobs i have ever loved. only God and other people know if i have ever done either at all well, i suppose. i compare where i am to where i intended to be, and i feel like i have regressed. there are so many things i don't know how to do myself. how am i supposed to be done with teaching him?
i don't know how to get published. i don't know how you are supposed to get everything in that you should teach them in eighteen years. there is too much to fit. i never got to take them on vacation. i haven't done very much that they would be proud of. i thought i was going to be singing, "oh, victory in Jesus!" for a lifetime. instead i think He must be exhausted from forgiving me every thirty seconds. i haven't made one good choice for my Master's trust in me. i have built empires for crooked men. i have married women who loved me a little but didn't like me much at all. that isn't self-pity. it is guilt. i am supposed to be a better chooser if i "seek the Lord" about these things. but i think i am seeking Him and i am only seeking His approval of my wishes.
i have known the Lamb over forty years. i have gone to church where folks understand grace. i understand it enough to explain it to teens. but i don't know how to apply grace to the mirror. Pastor Don falls into grace like a stage dive into a crowd of angels. Pastor Vern ENJOYS his life and helps untold people. yet i try to dive into grace and it is like a mosquito running full speed into an elephant's hide. i just bend up my nose.
i am glad to be this guy i am if that is to be the way i most glorify Him. but aren't there usually example lives in Scripture for the lives we live? cuz i want to know where Mr. Magoo is in Scripture. i stumble around blind with 20/20 vision. i love people and drive them away. i took every monday off work to be with my kids. then i broke my back and spent every day with them. and i didn't get done. how is that even possible?
is it a matter of faith to dive into tomorrow as if we haven't seen our best day yet? or is that dumb and a matter of wishful thinking? is there anyone who feels as spiritually retarded as i do? i am alarmed at the world we are leaving our kids because of our lust for stuff. how do i make my voice any more than an ant's scream in the median of the freeway at rush hour during a storm? what am i missing? or am i too old to worry about it now? Thanks for listening.
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Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2007-12-27 07:45:09 | Rating: | Views: 74
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