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becky 1978
Becky was a placement from the court. i had a choice. we took her or the system ate her and spit back out someone MORE wounded and MORE prone to trouble. so we took her. and of course she was assigned to me. brilliant. oppositional defiant. apparently furious at everything older than 18. she had just turned 15 and celebrated by blowing up a car and burning down the garage. i let her stew in her own juices for a few days. she came to group functions, but she was waiting for her first talk with me and i wouldn't give it to her. she was pissed off. i didn't have to be yelled at cuz her attitude stunk. one night at dinner after a particularly dynamic group time she called me "bucky." it was time. (i have talked of nick-names and their significance before in this blog.)
becky: why you been makin' me wait?
john: you got a date? what's your rush?
becky: you spose to be fixin' me. that's what.
john: wow! so you are telling me you are both broken AND in a hurry?
that's really got to be uncomfortable for you.
b: so when you gonna fix me?
j: when hell freezes over, my love.
b: FINALLY. an honest counselor. THANK you!
j: (chuckling) my pleasure, madam.
b: kin i ask you somethin'?
j: anything, darlin'.
b: how did i get too broke to fix? why am i like this?
j: darlin', i said i wasn't GOING to fix you. not that i couldn't.
b: so why ain't you gonna?
j: because, sweet baby, you aren't broken. you been lied to. i plan to
tell you the truth. you will make right choices if you have reality.
b: how you so sure? i like to be sad. it makes me mad to be happy.
j: oh i KNOW! being sad is like listening to it rain in a pine forest. it
is deep blues and purples and it is warm. and, darlin', being happy
takes trust cuz it means you take down your guard for long enough to
let happiness in. i recommend you don't even do that. happiness isn't
all it's supposed to be. and smiling wrinkles your face.
b: they TOLD me you was crazy. they was right. but you kinda get it
about those colors. i never looked at it like that before. is that in a
book? where you learn that?
j: it's my head. my dad used to bowl with it. it thinks in pictures.
b: bucky, you swear you are telling the truth?
j: on a stack of churches, baby. what's up?
b: i seen you watchin' me. am i crazy? cuz i feel crazy. i mean, my
friends ask me for advice and stuff and i tell them, but then i feel
bad cuz they shouldn't ask me. cuz i am a ****-up. and, bucky, i
never told another soul this, but i am afraid all ... the ... time. ain't
that crazy?
j: you are such a beautiful kid. okay. let's do this one at a time. you're
right. i watch all my kids and you are my kid. crazy? nah. goofy.
surprising. funnier than professional comedians. and, oh, yeah, did i
mention that i watch you "become stupid" when staff asks you stuff?
you are a master of conning staff. i should get you a medal. about
fear. you been protecting yourself for most of your life. kids
shouldn't have to do that. of COURSE it has been scary to be you.
if you let me, i can teach you some ways to not be so afraid. and i am
yours for life if you need me. does that sound fair?
b: i'm gonna yell at you. and sometimes i will hate you. i ain't friends
with many adults.
j: i'm not scared of you. i can knock you out. everyone hates me. and
i'll try not to be too adult.
... i was in recent contact with becky. she has been sober and straight since 1978 when she was with us. my compliments to the amazing Mrs. Dean who used to transcribe our sessions. keep your heart open.
Posted by AllThingsBuck on 2009-07-05 02:10:10 | Rating: | Views: 49
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