Thoughts.com Blogs - Back To The Cutting Board

I hate my compulsive eating faze. It has lasted now for almost 5 months. Being so overindulgent and senseless has completely ruined my once toned, beautiful body. I can clap my thighs together, I can't feel my bones anymore, my face is bloated and puffy, I am embarrassed to be seen in public, (especially at work) and my quality of life is horrendous. I have bins and bins of clean laundry downstairs, but I can't wear any of it, because I gained 15 pounds in 5 months and 25 in a year.

I just finished eating leftover Chinese food and a cheese string for no reason other than I didn't want to see it go to waste. Ironically, it is being wasted as extra fat to my waist. I wasn't hungry, in fact I barely finished digesting the 2 fudgicles and half a package of cookies a few hours earlier. I can't control it. I fucking hate this. My weak-willed mind screams to me to put the fucking food away, yet I still mindlessly shovel it into my mouth anyway. Because I had such a large consumption of food, I won't be able to sleep for at least another hour.

My screen name is the only thing that seems to fit me lately. All or Nothing. I am at the Nothing stage, doing nothing to better my body. I've been excessively eating and leading the sloth-like, neglectful lifestyle for quite some time now. I will switch over to the All faze soon, eating virtually nothing, working out everyday for at least 2 hours. I have to... I'm getting more depressed the heavier I become, and death almost seems as alluring as tropical vacation to me right now.

Life could be worse. Who cares, right? Worst case scenario, you're fat! Well, my brain chemistry doesn't accept me being overweight as normal and that life goes on. Like other people afflicted with eating disorders, my quality of life depends solely on what weight I am at the time. I'm at staggering 165 pounds and I'm only 5'6. I ignored all warning signs in the beginning and took a turn for the worst. I used to feel beautiful, but now I feel, at best, invisible and at worst, a monstrosity.

I know this stupid shit will continue until after the weekend. Only because I have dinner plans with my boyfriend to a restaurant. My mentality is since I am already going to fuck up my diet this weekend, I might as well fuck it up all the way there. Moderation, you say? Impossible. It's all or nothing....