Hi all,

Thank you for your comments, it is always nice to know your not alone, especially when people you know look at you as if your mad when you talk to them about it.

I want to share with you a topic, myself and someone on my-space had, that got me really thinking...

What is a friend?

The Dictionary I own lists a friend as:

"A person you know well and regard with affection and trust.

An associate who always provides assistance.

A person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

A person who is always there for another without question"

Thinking about this, and every movie you have seen the people in which always fit this definition of a friend, even when they have issues it always works out in the end and they always pull through. As such has Hollywood corrupted the definition of what a friend is? Can you ever truly find anyone who fits the definition?

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My reasons for thinking so much about this?

I have always been the person who is quite until I get to know you and once we are friends, I am always there is you need anything.

I have a friend I have known since high-school, going on 15 years now. We have been through everything people playing us off against each other when we were kids, PMT and mood swings as teens, distances as university students and into today with various problems.

My friend for all we have been through is always the same, she is friendly and fun, we share some interests though not as many as when we were younger. She has always as an only child been alittle bit superior using terms on me such as:

"I was watch (inester show) on Sky the other night and... oh wait you would not know what that is you dont have Sky!"

"I'm going to a convention, i would invite you but you could never afford it, could you?"

" I dont shop there its full of cheep, trampy clothing!" (with regard to places like Primart, and Asda etc)

All the little things that would indicate I was less that she was or had less than she did.

Yet for all she puts me through she can ask me anything, my mobile is on 24/7 in-case she needs anything! I introduced her to a guy I considered a good friend, she started dating him and two days later, called me i tears sobbing madly, I could not get what was wrong from her, eventually someone took the mobile from her and told me her boyfriend (my friend) had tried to rap her!!

After knowing she was home and safe, I was on the next bus to see him and beat the hell out of him, I had trusted him and he had hurt me and my friend of (at the time) 9 years.

I never spoke to him again, two weeks later she tells me he had not even been in the same room as her! that he had done nothing other than ask "do you believe in sex before marriage?"

I was furious my trust in her as a friend had cost me someone I had also viewed as a friend! Still I looked past it and never let it come between us.

We have been to hell and back she has done silly things like sit me in a restaurant and tell me she was jealous of me 3 year relationship (after uni) with my still partner, and as such next man in her life she was sleeping with, because in her own words "I feel like I'm missing out!".

I spent ages telling her being a virgin was good, and she should wait for the right person and moment. she complained I sounded like her mum, and exactly one year later sat me in the same restaurant and said, "I'm pregnant and the dad i hate and have just got rid of".

Still I offered nothing but support, she can come to me for anything even bady siting lol, I was at one stage down as birth partner should her mum became ill and unable to assist her.

I have never asked for anything till now, two weeks ago ask if I could talk to her at some point I feel low and depressed and would love someone to confined in, she ignores all emails and txts only emailing when she needs something, like how to fix the dizzy game on her pc it isn't working right.

Second example for thinking about these things,

several friends at work known them for about 1 year, one started a relationship with our unit leader and when she decided to call it off he made life hell at work, I supported her all the way, I even sat in the toilets while she cried! found people at work she could talk to and confined in and take advise on action she can take, I went out shopping with her when she was low even though I was broke. Then last month she asked if she could come with me to the next anime expo in London.

She knew i like that sort of thing and had never had anyone to go with, so for a month she hounds me about it, 1 week before we arrange to go with two others, I buy her and me train tickets in advance and she says thanks meet you at 9am for train at 10am.

11am i am still alone at the station, none of the three people who agreed the day before to came are answering there phones, and 11:30 1 of them calls and says I'm still in bed sorry have fun!

I went alone and was late, while i managed to still have fun I could not shake the feeling of loneliness as everyone around me stood with friends or family.

Next day at work they all spoke as if nothing had happened, did i have fun and did i want to go with them to Camden next weekend?

I have always had an excuse not to do anything with them since. I fell low when I think about it and now we all sit at work and chat as always happy and laughing but i always have the thought, are they really my friends?

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So what I think about friends and the definition of the word, I wonder do I expect too much? do I offer too much as a friend and therefore expect too much in return? or is it that I simply have not found a true friend and they are out there if you are lucky enough to find one?

My conclusions are it's me! I expect too much as a friend to others.

So now I am trying to expect nothing from any one I consider a friend, if I expect nothing I can never be disappointed, right?